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LOVER MAN VS. SPIDER LADY...by b. Malin

Updated on October 1, 2012

THE WEB...

The Web started to unfold in Mid August, on our Front Porch. At first we admired the workmanship that was slowly going on, which could only be seen after dark. During the day, it was neatly tucked away somewhere. Lover Man was very impressed, until one night when the WEB was hanging Post to Post to Post. It was like she was slowly taking over the porch. He nicknamed her "Spider Lady"...and now I will give you the rest of the story. Afterwards you can decide, who really Won...

I said to Lover Man, during one of our nightly walks. " I think she's getting out of Control with that Web, and it's kinda creepy...Granted she's caught some interesting Bugs... But we can no longer get to the Front Door without part of a Web catching our heads. You've got to do something". Ok, I'm going to be honest, I am afraid of Spiders. And Spider Lady was BIG and I personally think Controlling...But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Lover Man being the Brave Soul that he is, said, "I'll get the Broom, and gently place her down on the Rose Bush and break her Web, she'll take the hint. RIGHT, I thought to myself. However, he was sort of right...For the next night a new Smaller Web was going from the Rose Bush, to ONE post. But, come the next night, she was once again making her way back across the porch. And so once again, Lover Man got the Broom, and moved her back to the Rose Bush, before taking down the Web. "She's watching you" I said softly. "So she is, he said staring back at her...She knows who's boss". "Right, I replied, let's see what round 3 brings...

The next night there was a BIGGER WEB and this one was once again Post to Post..."Ok, Lover Man said, Spider Lady is Going to the Street". He went and got the Broom from the garage and gently took her down. They were Eye Ball to Eye Ball and she looked Angry. He gently placed her on the curb. She surveyed him for a moment before tuning her back and walking gently into the night. I shivered...Wondering if we'd seen the last of her...And it seemed to be. For a week rolled by and no more Spider Lady.

A few days later in the mail comes a Summons for "Jury Duty" addressed to Lover Man. It wasn't for the next County...Oh No, it was for "Camden", which is at least an hour away if the traffic is Light...As he flipped the envelop to shred it, on the back was a cartoon picture of a Spider and a Man caught in a Web...Lover Man and I looked at each other as we both said..."No Way".


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    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi femme,

      Yeah, that's my Lover Man...Tiny Spiders I'm ok with...But BIG and BLACK and Hairy...NO WAY!

      I'm so Glad your Enjoyed my Hub.

    • profile image

      femmeflashpoint 5 years ago

      B.,

      Loved it and I admire Lover Man's bravado!

      Spiders scare me stupid!

      femme

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Wow, Cashmere, Thank YOU. I'm delighted that you Enjoyed, and of course, a Warm Thank You for All your Votes!

    • Olde Cashmere profile image

      Olde Cashmere 5 years ago from Michigan, United States

      This was an enjoyable and fun read b. Malin. Voting up and rating awesome, funny, and interesting :)

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Denise,

      Great Comments, Loved them. Yes, that's what Lover Man does, he too, moves all Bugs outdoor. Thank goodness we don't get too many in the house. It was MY Sister's fault that I became afraid of Spiders, SHE was the one!

      Thanks so much for all that you had to say, and of course your Votes and Sharing of my Hub. LOL.

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

      OMG ! This is an amazing story. How very interesting...the Universe really has a wonderful sense of humor AND 'connection' does it not? Stranger than fiction...

      So-I can completely relate to the image of that web. We have so many 'house' spiders' that weave their thick webs all over the porch. I just had a similar conversation when a garden spider kept nudging over into porch space until it blocked the entrance to the mail box. I had my friend move it to the lotus tree branches. Now I am noticing the 'Halloween' look. Time for a fall clean up.

      We don't kill spiders (or bugs) in our home either. We move them outdoors. I have been phobic until about 2010 when I did overcome my fear of spiders and actually did write a hub about it. So, I sympathize with the creepiness of it all and the 'watchful eyes' LOL

      Oh gosh, you 'weave' a wonderful story here, Barbara. I loved it. Rated up and across and I am sharing...

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Shiningirisheyes,

      Thank You! Thank You, THANK YOU! I'll try not to let it go to my Head. I Loved Your Comments.

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 5 years ago from Upstate, New York

      b.Malin - Fantastically humorous, hilarious and enjoyed every minute of this funny read!!!

      Love your humor.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Vinaya,

      I'm so Glad I gave you a Good Bedtime Story, Ha, Ha! I'm glad you Enjoyed, now go to sleep!

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

      What a wonderful thing to read before going to bed.

      Regards

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi T.T.

      Well she kinda got him in her own way...Jury Duty...and an Hours drive to get there...Hopefully, when he has to call, his number won't be picked! I'm so glad you Enjoyed.

    • TIMETRAVELER2 profile image

      Sondra Rochelle 5 years ago from USA

      Another fun hub from a great writer! I really thought Spider Lady was going to jump on Lover Man and feel he was lucky that she didn't. Enjoyed this one immensely.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Ausseye,

      Why are you calling Lover Man the Fish? You are too Funny with your Comments. I Enjoyed what you had to say, and now I've got to stop by and visit your Hubs.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Amy,

      It Sooo Creepy when the Web gets in your Hair. As for Spider Lady, I think her work is done...She was Banished from the Porch, and now she has sent Lover Man to Jury Duty. I'm just saying...

    • profile image

      Ausseye 5 years ago

      Hi Bee and the Fish: You made spider lady a street dweller, whereeeee will she get her bugs from now. All I can say is what a bugger!!!! A touching point where human meets da spider (could that be man?) and both walk away is humanity at its best. Oh what a web we weave for future generations of spider people!! Your hub web holds some great story adventures, loved the read.

    • Amy Becherer profile image

      Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Dear b. Malin, You know how creepy it feels when a spider web gets caught in your hair? That's exactly how I feel after just reading the conclusion of your Lover Man vs Spider Lady story. And, I have the creepy feeling this is not the end of this story!!!! After all, Halloween is approaching.

      Brilliant, memerizing web of frightful intrigue. Awesome

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Toknowinfo,

      Thank You. It's so Amazing how many of us are afraid of Spiders, and some we really should be afraid of, like the poisonous kind. But Spider Lady had a personality, that said, "Don't Mess with Me"...So Glad you Enjoyed, and Laughed, and gave my Hub, such a nice Rating, Thank You!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Maria,

      Thank You! A little of my Imagination Gone Wild...All in Good Fun.

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Teacher,

      Thank Goodness there is always one person in each Family who isn't afraid of Spiders. I'm so glad you Enjoyed.

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Nell,

      Very Funny, thank Goodness we don't have a Cellar...we live on a Barrier Island, that probably once was more water...if you did deep enough. Now Spider Lady when she left us that night, Probably "Hitched" a ride to Camden and made sure LM got "Jury Duty"...The Jury Duty part is real, he did receive the letter...she on back...well...So Glad you Enjoyed, I Loved your Fun Comments.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Ruby,

      I try, I try...LM will NEVER kill a buy, if he can help it. I'm so Glad you Enjoyed, you are such a Special Friend!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Colin,

      Thank You! Yes, we will head to the Condo w/the View after Thanksgiving...Looking forward to that. I will always keep in touch, you are such a "Special, Hub Writer Friend". Glad to hear you are still Swimming. It's been Mild here, so we are still using the outdoor "Jacuzzi" Hot Tub". God for Bid, your Time running out...We will both be Hubbing at 100 years of age! Glad the Cats are Fine.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 5 years ago

      I love your stories. They put a smile on my face. I am afraid of spiders, but I know they get rid of bugs, which I am more afraid of, so I also try to gently move spiders away from where I don't want them to be. The next time I see I spider, which I hope isn't for a while, I will certainly think of your story. Thanks for a great laugh! Rate up, interesting and funny.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Astonishing arachnid anecdote... Loved this, b. Hugs, Maria

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      My husband hates spider but I am the one who gets the spider out of the home. This is funny.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      Haha! Brilliant! that spider got her own back! I bet she is living in your house somewhere waiting to catch you as you go down into the cellar! clever little thing, wonder how she managed to print that on the back! I can see her sitting in the office, typing with two feet, emptying the bin with another one and doing up envelopes with four more while drinking coffee with the last one!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      HaHa, You ' weave ' a funny tale. Lover Man must be a gentle soul to move the web so many times. I must admit that I am afraid of spiders and it's that time of year. Definitely a fun read. Thank's for the share..Cheers

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      ...why yes dear friend I have missed you as well - I love your humorous take on life and living and as a writer you are a true hub treasure - I always get a kick out of 'lover man' and will you be heading down shortly down south again? Please keep in touch because you and I go back now 2 years at the Hub and I have always admired your writing - sending warm wishes to you and good energy too from lake erie time ontario canada 5:19pm with a very mild fall so far - even still going into the lake on a daily basis but I skipped today - I think my time is running out but my two cats and I are fine -

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Martie,

      How Interesting, thanks for sharing that about Spiders in Africa. Lover Man, kills nothing, he is kind to Bugs...Me...well, sometimes I will, but most times, I won't either. No, we've never sprayed.

      Thanks for your Wonderful Comments, and Enjoying, and of course your Votes.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Alicia,

      Thank You. No, we couldn't Kill Spider Lady, although getting that Jury Notice for Lover Man...I don't Know...Nah, we wouldn't have!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Frog,

      Glad I made you Laugh...You made me Laugh too...You FROG, YOU!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Breakfastpop,

      She May...For only a week later, along comes the "Jury Duty Notice"...Coincidence? You be the Judge...Pardon the Pun!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Frank,

      It was Brief, like our relationship with Ms. Spider Lady...Loved your Comments, so Glad you Enjoyed.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Rosemay,

      Thank You. Spider Lady DID indeed have the last Laugh...Especially when Lover Man got that Jury Duty Notice. Thanks for Enjoying and your Fun Comments, and the UP!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Girishpuri, Thank You! I try, I try. I'm so Glad you Enjoyed, and of course, I appreciate your Vote!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Mhatter,

      Thank You. Did Lover Man have it coming? Sigh...I guess. But did he have to drive to Camden, we will know when he calls to see if they selected him!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Very Funny Mickb...you got CAUGHT UP...I get it...I "Spin" quite a tale.

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      That was Great Cleaner. I will watch out for what Crawls or weaves a Web, Especially at night...Hate when it gets in my Hair!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Xstatic,

      I guess you're right...I'm so Glad you Enjoy the Story.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Drbj, so Glad you Enjoyed. I did go over to your Hub Page and read your Hub on "Interview with Banana Spider...It was Great and a Fun, and Scary as well as Educational read.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Kashmir,

      Were you Afraid? By day, I'm not...It's at night, when I walk into a Web and it gets in my Hair...Ah...Thanks for your Wonderful Comments, and of course your Votes!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Becky,

      Loved your Comments. I was the one when we were kids who had to get the Spider out, my BIG sister would Scream until I did. So why am I afraid today...

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      Hi Bill,

      Loved your Comments...But I really hope Spiders don't get to Rule...Although Spider Lady kinda did...And Lover Man would never Kill one, although as he drives to Camden, I wonder...So Glad you Enjoyed!

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 5 years ago from South Africa

      It was tradition in Africa never to kill a spider, because it hosted the spirit of an ancestor still on its way to become a star. So who knows....

      My hat off for Lover Man for being so kind to a spider. Normal instinct simply grab a tin of insecticide and whalla, dead and gone would Spider Lady be.

      Voted up, interesting and highly entertaining :)

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This is so funny - and I'm so glad that you didn't kill the spider, despite her determination! I like spiders (except for the really dangerous ones).

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

      Bailiff ! Whack his pee-pee! Too funny...

      The Frog

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 years ago

      Spider Lady must have some weird connections in the court system!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 5 years ago from Shelton

      This was an interesting story.. brief.. but the spider lady can come from anywhere... hmm what we may get tangled up with huh? Good share B Malin

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      Hilarious, Gotta admire the way she eyballed Lover Man. hmmmm I think Spider lady had the last laugh.

      You definitely know how to spin a good yarn :)

      Thumbs UP and more

    • girishpuri profile image

      Girish puri 5 years ago from NCR , INDIA

      Hilarious and fun read, you make my day, voted up.

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

      Enjoyable read, thank you. Did lover man have it coming to him?

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      b., I got all caught up in your story.

    • cleaner3 profile image

      cleaner3 5 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

      eeerrrie..... halloween is nigh

      fall is in the sky ...

      soon ghosts and goblins

      in the mall

      but watch out...

      for what crawls.

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 5 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Sounds like karma to me! Great story!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Enjoyed your arachnid story, b., and those lady spiders are smarter then we think. If you doubt it, see my hub written some time ago: 'Interview with Banana Spider.'

    • kashmir56 profile image

      Thomas Silvia 5 years ago from Massachusetts

      Great hub and it was a very fun read. All summer i saw nothing but these huge spider webs every where in my yard with these huge spiders on them. This is the most spiders i have see in any summer.

      Vote up and more !!!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      I am the one who has to take the spider webs out. I hate them and our daughter will shriek if she sees one. Our younger son used to walk them out of the house. He would walk behind them with his toes pointed out. They would scuttle along in the V that formed and out the door they would go. We laughed at him but he doesn't live here now. I really miss my spider herder.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Hilarious! I am convinced that spiders are smarter than man (or woman), and they will one day rule the world. :)

      Great fun; Bev will not allow me to kill a spider, so I understand taking your spider to the curb and gently laying him down on the ground. LOL