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Lawyer Jokes: Oh Come On Who Else Could We Laugh At?
The Phone Consult:
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Questions About Lawyers:
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep there fore-skins from poping up.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Two Kinds of Lawyers:
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Mark Twain notes...
"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."
Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
This is supposedly a TRUE news story. I have my doubts, but you decide....
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Postal Service Goof:
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
But why?" asks the man.
I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.
The next day, the following notice appeared, "We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley's death was in error."
Lawyer and Engineer:
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and hen the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge:
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.