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How It Was
Micky usually drove me home.
He'd drop Tim and whomever
else needed a lift, but he was
my friend, the one I could
rely on, the one who dropped
me last to give us a chance
to really talk.
I'd been carried home by Stevie,
by Carol, Paul, and a few times
But usually it was Micky.
After service we'd hang around and talk before the journey.
This was normal.
Today Micky was saying something to Carol and Michele about the Coffee Bar.
I assumed I was invited.
I got into Carol's car with Michele. Micky would drop Tim home.
And I assumed I was invited.
The conversation in Carol's car was breezy and fun, and everything was fine.
Until Carol took the turn and I was at my Gate.
I sat a second, then found a stupid smile to paste on my face as I left the car.
I went along imitating a jaunty mood. But felt really sad.
How could they just leave me out?
Wasn't I a friend?
Wasn't my company appreciated?
I guess I misread.
And that made me extra sad.
Not One of them
I'd always thought myself rather aware. Always thought I could 'read' people.
I had linked with Mickey and Tim and the others based on the 'vibe'.
Sure I could ask Erica to drop me, but I didn't have that connection to her as I had;
correction, thought I had with Mickey.
I wasn't a friend.
I was a burden, someone who ' had' to be taken as part of a mindset of 'charity'.
Someone whose company wasn't particularly desired but in the spirit of charity, tolerated.
It is not easy to look in the mirror and appreciate I wasn't one of them. or whatever term worked, but an obligation.
Because I felt young I guess I'd fooled myself into thinking that others saw me as nearly
a contemporary instead of a grandmother.
And who would want to bring their grandmother to a coffee bar?
I didn't blame Carol,
I scarcely knew her.
Outside of a few words after service and conversation in her car during the journey
home, we didn't socialise.
Michelle was also new and matched pretty well with Micky.
I believed I was closer to Micky than anyone, so suppose that's why I was in Carol's car.
It might be harder on Micky to dump me...or was I again putting myself in 'friend' column
where he had me listed under 'burden'?
I was in Carol's car because she would feel nothing at leaving me out. I might of said something to Micky on the drive up which would have annoyed him. Might of pulled
his tongue, forced him to say what he felt....
I took a breath, looked in the mirror.
Nothing had happened. I didn't make a fool of myself, they didn't 'let me down.'
I decided to focus more on John and Paul and give Micky a break. If he noticed
I was linking with John or Paul and said something I'd know we were friends, if he
took the opportunity as freedom I'd know.
And I suppose knowing is better.