Left Out

After Service, Micky usually drove me home.

Others would be with us, like Tim and whomever else needed a lift, and he'd drop them first. I considered he was my friend, the one I could rely on. The one who dropped me last to give us a chance to really talk.

He wasn't the only one who'd give me a lift. I'd been carried home by Stevie, by Carol, Paul, and a few times by John. But usually it was Micky. I felt connected to him.

We'd leave service and a group of us would hang around and talk before we began our journey. This was normal.

Then today....

Today Micky was saying something to Carol and Michele about the Coffee Bar.

There was a new place that opened, everyone was talking about it. I assumed we go there first, hang out, and then go home

I assumed I was invited.

As Micky would take Tim home before reaching the Coffee Bar I got into Carol's car with Michele. .

The conversation in Carol's car was breezy and fun, and everything was fine.Un til Carol took the turn and I was at my Gate.

I sat a second, then found a stupid smile to paste on my face as I left the car.

I went along imitating a jaunty mood. But felt really sad.

How could they just leave me out?
Wasn't I a friend?
Wasn't my company appreciated?

I guess I misread.
And that made me extra sad.

I'd always thought myself rather aware, a 'be here now' type.

I'd always thought I could 'read' people.

I had linked with Mickey and Tim and the others based on the 'vibe' I picked up.

Sure I could ask Erica to drop me, but I didn't have that connection to her as I had;
correction, thought I had with Mickey.

I wasn't a friend.

I was a burden, someone who ' had' to be taken as part of a mindset of 'charity'.
Someone whose company wasn't particularly desired but in the spirit of charity, tolerated.

It is not easy to look in the mirror and appreciate I wasn't one of them. or whatever term worked, but an obligation.

Because I felt young I guess I'd fooled myself into thinking that others saw me as nearly a contemporary instead of a grandmother.

And who would want to bring their grandmother to a coffee bar?

I didn't blame Carol, I scarcely knew her. Outside of a few words after service and conversation in her car during the journey home, we didn't socialise.

Michelle was also new and matched pretty well with Micky.

I believed I was closer to Micky than anyone, so suppose that's why I was in Carol's car. It might be harder on Micky to dump me...or was I again putting myself in the 'friend' column where he had me listed under 'burden'?

I was in Carol's car because she would feel nothing at leaving me out. I might of said something to Micky on the drive up which would have annoyed him. Might of pulled his tongue, forced him to say what he felt....

I took a breath, looked in the mirror.

Nothing had happened. I didn't make a fool of myself, they didn't 'let me down.'

I decided to give Micky a break. To get lifts from others. To let him move the edge of friendship. If he said anything about it, well, then I'd know I misjudged. If it flowed passed him, well, that was an answer as well.

And I suppose knowing is better.

I guess.