"Lips of Poison"
"So put that smile back on my face and mix it strong my friend"
It makes me feel numb,
to where I can't feel my face...
That's when I know
that I've had enough.
But I keep drinking,
put my lips to the cup.
I can smell the liquor.
It beckons me.
I'm sure you can smell it on my breath...
I tell myself I need this,
to forget the pain,
to make my worries and cares,
go away...
As I'm stumbling and stuttering,
falling to the ground.
Spilling my poison.
But the problems will still be there,
when I awake in the morning...
from my night of proverbial self-destruction.
I always manage to keep the vomit off my clothes.
I never make a mess.
But, there's self hatred and pity,
feeling sorry for myself, feeling worthless.
How did I ever let myself get like this?
It all started with a kiss...
Your lips were the liquor and I drowned in them.
The room getting dizzy now,
even when I close my eyes.
I had a breakdown inbetween heaves,
now on the floor I lie...
I'm no stranger to public bathroom stalls,
hugging a toilet for hours.
Too drunk to care.
Too drunk to get up on my own.
You were the one I hated(loved)
You were the one who carried me home.
I let the liquor consume me
until there was nothing left...
The same privilege I gave to you everytime we kissed.
© 2011 Nikki Wicked
Comments
AUTHORI dont drink alone either, i drink when im hangin with friends, even when i was drinking because of my sorrow, i would purposefully go out so i could drink. my friends were always there for me, but i never asked them to drink with me, and they never let me get left behind or wake somewhere and never take a drink from a stranger unless you watching them, always keep an eye on your drink, i never got drugged or anything, i know better. i dont like flirting with guys to get drinks, i can just buy it myself, but when i get drunk i dont get like a lot of people do, and pass out, or act stupid. i just get sick, once ive reached my limit its the toilet for me. ill be sick the rest of the night, good thing i have a high tolerance. i dont really get hangovers either, a headache at the most. and that still drunk feeling. Please dont hate yourself. be strong.
I understand, and you are so honest for saying this. Thank you. I know some people who can't drink alone and they beg and plead for me to join them for a drink and even a small one... and I know if I do, that will be just the start. Maybe I am a scare-dee cat. I try to be careful. I have seen girlfriends who had drinks spiked and crap put in their drinks.
I love hanging with my friends, and I know they wouldn't drag me down, but I have to be careful anyway.
I'm not a party poop, I just want to have a good time but mostly remember every moment and not ever wake up and find it was a blaze and a blur of alcohol. I am trying hard not to hate myself any more...
I hope things are okay in your life now Nikki. I enjoy your hubs.
- AUTHOR
awww thanx spade, but i wouldnt want you to drown yourself in alcohol over me lol. and your very welcome :)
The malice of a relationship, if i had a girl like you, i too would fall under the spell of those, "Lips of Poison", lol. Also, thanks for all the invigorating comments you left on my hubs...
- AUTHOR
lol strange comment there astra. yes i kno. I love to drink and have a good time with my friends, but back when i was going through that hard time, i just drank to drank, just to pity myself really. i knew it wouldnt make the pain go away, or the problem, or make the guy love me, though that night he did take care of me a bit, he was a good friend, it only made things worse the next day, he wanted nothing to do with me. i got like i did because i found out a bit of information that really hurt me and im still not sure if its true or not. recent events make me believe it is. but whatever its all in the past and Im quite over it. I never want to get like that again, i hate gettin too drunk and getting sick. its a horrible feeling, even when your not emotionally a wreck. Im not afraid of my pain either, just tired of feeling it, and just want to be happy and I think Im at that place now. lots of my friends are going through hard times too, and feel like drinking or cutting is the answer, and i have to do what i can to make sure they dont do that.
We all drink for different reason, Nikki... me I like to socialse with friends, so we have drinkies at the weekend. I have never been too drunk, but I came close to throwing up once and it scared me. I am afraid of alcohol and it might take over me.
Maybe I am a control freak in some way. But its a point I don't go beyond. I am not afraid of my pain. Actually I kind of need it to know I'm alive. Lots of my friends just numb themselves, and then lose themselves, and a little bit of me dies as I watch them, even though it is funny. Kay... gonna shut up now.
I'm glad to hear that :)
- AUTHOR
well it feels great not feeling that way anymore. those were feelings id much rather have put behind me yes. but the memory is still always there, and i will still always care for that one particular person but im very much over him and not in love like i used to be, i definitely have the better guy.
Lol. That's good to hear, that you found what you're looking for. Must feel good, to leave all of those feelings behind, huh?
- AUTHOR
exactly uni_te thanks for commenting. this was a year or so ago. i am much better now. things actually did work out and im happy. though i sometimes think of the past and how things could have been, theres a reason it isnt and things turned out for the best, Im with someone much better. he drives me crazy but not to drinking. :)
I can totally relate this.. That one special person, who makes you feel so alive, can make you feel so alone.. And you do the most reckless things, only to forget what you've lost. To avoid facing tomorrow. But you always wake up, thinking that another night has passed, and you've only sunk a little lower.
Great poem, Nikki. I hope everything works out for you.
- AUTHOR
thanks for all the wonderful comments. i have cut down my drinking, now i just drink to have fun. i dont wanna get to that point again, and yes i have a better guy in my life he may drive me up the wall but not to drinking. nelli yes it was my own doing, though he/they were the ones causing me pain, i was the one who chose to drink, knowing the pain would still be there, those few times only made it worse, i chose to keep myself in the hole they dug. but i finally climbed out of it and am no longer a prisoner to the pain.
This is the best statement in the entire hub and comments, Nikki: " i cant believe i let myself get like that" - shows you know it was not someone else's doing. And shows how strong you really are. Good gurl.
Been there, chica. You expressed this state very well. Hope you don't get yourself into trouble!
Great hub. know what you mean...
An awesome hub Nikki. But i bet you feel better after getting it all off your chest. It takes a lot of guts to tell the world that you where often drunk and spewing up in public.
Two things i wish for you and that is (1) that you've cut back on the alcohol a bit and (2) that you've found yourself a decent man that dosent drive you to drink. You deserve it. LOL.
Ghaelach
I agree with Randy. A powerful piece of writing and wonderfully written. Many of us have been through similar trials, and unfortunately, many I knew didn't survive, and many still, haven't yet recovered. We are soooo happy you got through it!!
Much love.... =)
- AUTHOR
yea it was pretty bad. i cant believe i let myself get like that. but me and him are on good terms now and the other one i had drunk myself into a stupor over well i dont want anything to do with him, but i once hated him, i learned to let go and just not have any feelings towards him whatsoever.
and thanx randy that means a lot. i like this one a lot myself. it comes from a really bad night and just so much emotion came out. but its all behind me now and i dont think ill ever let myself get like that again.
hope yall like the song too. Its one of my fave by avenged. and inspired me to write this.
Nikki I think this is the best thing I've read from you. Its so... without pretense. Bravo girl.
Got it!! Not a good thing if he was able to get you to your weakest. I had one of those to I know what you mean well I am glad it is in the past now and you have written it down to let it go.
smiles :)
- AUTHOR
eh he was the drug that got me to the worst point of my life. my worst breakdowns were because of him. Hope you get to see this with the video i posted. Good song, inspired me to write this. this night happened last year, funny i never wrote about it before. i would drink myself drunk around him just to be ok. and 2x ended up in breakdowns.
A drink of the one who got you love drunk....
smiles :)
bella
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