Living is bad for your health

My generation grew up trusting institutions. We trusted the government to tell us the truth. Everything proclaimed at school was gospel and science was considered all knowing. After all, an institution dedicated to the accumulation of evidence in billion dollar laboratories, could certainly unravel the mysteries of my little world. Laboratories were the new birthplace of knowledge. Everyone wore a white smock and carried test tubes. Life's question went in and the answers came out. We bowed in awe and waved good bye to ignorance.

There are things in life however, that won't fit in a test tube. There are even things that won't fit in laboratories. In order to combat questions that would not fit in laboratories, science came up with theory. Eventually, we came to crown theory with the same adoration reserved for science. Now we can no longer distinguish theory from fact.

Well, this gave rise to a mess. Theory has been telling me what's good for me all my life. They constructed a food pyramid so I would know what to eat and in what proportion. They steered me away from foods that would lead to the development of disease. They developed food crops that grow in half the time with greater yield and formulated pesticides that I could safely eat. They even gassed my food to encourage colors which provide greater sex appeal. Personally, I think theory has become so successful that science is in danger of being replaced. The wonderful thing about theory is that next week, they will save me once again from the harmful effects of their previous proclamation. Whatever was good for me last week may lead to cancer, heart disease or make me blind, this week. How do you not love an institution that is saving your life every week? Talk about job security! Our new trust in theory has given rise to weekly changes in life style, ever changing buying habits and a perpetually revolving food bin.

I fasted one week, just to rid myself of pollutants, pesticides, contaminants and anything else that was prematurely advocated. I consumed laboratory tested super supplements, stamped with the approval of theory. I drank bottled water and ate foods fortified with fiber, calcium, folic acid and things I can not spell.

I abstained from so many foods that I had nothing left to eat except theory. Then theory announced that although I had decreased my risk of prostate cancer, I doubled my risk of heart disease. Although I cut my chances of colon cancer, my chances for stroke, pregnancy and two rare African diseases increased five fold. After following their advice for the past twenty years I have concluded that I am a medical marvel. By now I should be dead or pregnant. I am left with a head ache that is not theoretical and unfortunately, the only pain reliever left to me will destroy my liver or leave me impotent. Adhering to the proclamations of theory has only lowered my average life expectancy and increased my risk to every malady under the sun, including a few considered long extinct.

The expense incurred in simply trying to keep pace with these revolving theories is putting me in the poor house. Today I learned that the food I should not eat was cooked in cook ware I should not use. The bottled water they approved is o.k. but, the plastic container which was a product of science and technology is slowly releasing poison into my already contaminated body.

Coinciding with this latest update, is the tale of a guy celebrating his one hundred and fifth birthday. Responding to questions regarding the secret of his longevity, he credited good whiskey, a daily cigar and an active sex life. Science has dismissed two of his secrets has hazardous to your health. I refuse to investigate his remaining secret for fear that theory will proclaim some malady associated with its pursuit.

It is agonizing enough to discover we are eating all the wrong foods, but, the pain lingers when we pay twice the price because theory just put their recommendation all over the box. What theory has taught me is that "living is hazardous to my health". If I wallow in the sun, breathe air, eat food or drink water, I will, eventually contract something that will end my life, make me blind or grow horns in my head.

I'm going to die with or without theory, but with them is costing me an arm and a leg. I have a state of the art "in home gym", a water purifier that consumes half my house, an at home pharmacy that prompts monthly drug inspections and I still have high cholesterol. Mr. one hundred and five, has a wet bar in his bedroom, an embroidered smoking jacket, a musical ceiling fan and a round bed decorated in romantic red. Science told him to change his lifestyle or he wouldn't live much longer. He gave up the smoking jacket and says that shedding the outer wear has improved his sex life.