ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

Living is bad for your health

Updated on November 15, 2014

My generation grew up trusting institutions. We trusted the government to tell us the truth. Everything proclaimed at school was gospel and science was considered all knowing. After all, an institution dedicated to the accumulation of evidence in billion dollar laboratories, could certainly unravel the mysteries of my little world. Laboratories were the new birthplace of knowledge. Everyone wore a white smock and carried test tubes. Life's question went in and the answers came out. We bowed in awe and waved good bye to ignorance.

There are things in life however, that won't fit in a test tube. There are even things that won't fit in laboratories. In order to combat questions that would not fit in laboratories, science came up with theory. Eventually, we came to crown theory with the same adoration reserved for science. Now we can no longer distinguish theory from fact.

Well, this gave rise to a mess. Theory has been telling me what's good for me all my life. They constructed a food pyramid so I would know what to eat and in what proportion. They steered me away from foods that would lead to the development of disease. They developed food crops that grow in half the time with greater yield and formulated pesticides that I could safely eat. They even gassed my food to encourage colors which provide greater sex appeal. Personally, I think theory has become so successful that science is in danger of being replaced. The wonderful thing about theory is that next week, they will save me once again from the harmful effects of their previous proclamation. Whatever was good for me last week may lead to cancer, heart disease or make me blind, this week. How do you not love an institution that is saving your life every week? Talk about job security! Our new trust in theory has given rise to weekly changes in life style, ever changing buying habits and a perpetually revolving food bin.

I fasted one week, just to rid myself of pollutants, pesticides, contaminants and anything else that was prematurely advocated. I consumed laboratory tested super supplements, stamped with the approval of theory. I drank bottled water and ate foods fortified with fiber, calcium, folic acid and things I can not spell.

I abstained from so many foods that I had nothing left to eat except theory. Then theory announced that although I had decreased my risk of prostate cancer, I doubled my risk of heart disease. Although I cut my chances of colon cancer, my chances for stroke, pregnancy and two rare African diseases increased five fold. After following their advice for the past twenty years I have concluded that I am a medical marvel. By now I should be dead or pregnant. I am left with a head ache that is not theoretical and unfortunately, the only pain reliever left to me will destroy my liver or leave me impotent. Adhering to the proclamations of theory has only lowered my average life expectancy and increased my risk to every malady under the sun, including a few considered long extinct.

The expense incurred in simply trying to keep pace with these revolving theories is putting me in the poor house. Today I learned that the food I should not eat was cooked in cook ware I should not use. The bottled water they approved is o.k. but, the plastic container which was a product of science and technology is slowly releasing poison into my already contaminated body.

Coinciding with this latest update, is the tale of a guy celebrating his one hundred and fifth birthday. Responding to questions regarding the secret of his longevity, he credited good whiskey, a daily cigar and an active sex life. Science has dismissed two of his secrets has hazardous to your health. I refuse to investigate his remaining secret for fear that theory will proclaim some malady associated with its pursuit.

It is agonizing enough to discover we are eating all the wrong foods, but, the pain lingers when we pay twice the price because theory just put their recommendation all over the box. What theory has taught me is that "living is hazardous to my health". If I wallow in the sun, breathe air, eat food or drink water, I will, eventually contract something that will end my life, make me blind or grow horns in my head.

I'm going to die with or without theory, but with them is costing me an arm and a leg. I have a state of the art "in home gym", a water purifier that consumes half my house, an at home pharmacy that prompts monthly drug inspections and I still have high cholesterol. Mr. one hundred and five, has a wet bar in his bedroom, an embroidered smoking jacket, a musical ceiling fan and a round bed decorated in romantic red. Science told him to change his lifestyle or he wouldn't live much longer. He gave up the smoking jacket and says that shedding the outer wear has improved his sex life.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • arb profile image

      arb 5 years ago from oregon

      Thanks so much Jaye. Sometimes the only way I can vent is to turn my frustration to humor. Generally, it accomplishes the same intent.

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 5 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Very funny hub, and I agree that much of what is propounded by "experts" (especially those affiliated with the government, the pharmaceutical industry and agribusiness) is not trustworthy.

      My friends and family refer to me as the "Food Cop" because I am so careful about what I allow myself to eat or products that I use. And, possibly, because I pass along information to them that they don't heed!

      I long ago stopped trusting the FDA and the USDA (both agencies which fail at their original mission of protecting the consumer but, instead, protect the interests of Big Pharma and Agribusiness). I think it's up to individuals to learn what is harmful to our bodies and avoid these things as much as possible. Unfortunately, I lived a long time without this knowledge, so a lot of damage was done during my years of ignorance.

      I realize genetics play a strong role in health and longevity, but when the deck is stacked against you genetically, it's good to know that some lifestyle changes can add protection. Not having George Burns' genetic strengths (or those of the 105-year-old you mentioned), I do what I can to close the gap.

      I enjoy your writing, including comments you've written on hubs I visit. I look forward to reading more of your work, especially humor, which you do well.


    • arb profile image

      arb 6 years ago from oregon

      You sound like a funny guy! I really have a balloon. Fly less and less, takea lot of help and our wind comes up around 11 every morning, discouraging 6 a.m. departure. Not sure that drinking or smoking makes us sinners, actually quite sure it doesn't. Be well, new friend.

    • nomoretrucks profile image

      nomoretrucks 6 years ago from scotland

      Great hub this arb, I am a terrible sinner who still drinks and smokes (not through the lack of trying to give up) in fact the last time i tried to give up, i was accused of being a quitter. I recently came across an old national geographic book which stated pickles are deadly because 98% of the soldiers who died in Vietnam had eaten pickles at sometime in their life's!- it was toungue in cheek, but the facts had come from genuine research. I still eat pickles though. On a lighter note, you really fly a balloon? This may sound daft but height scares me. I may fly a paraglider on occasion but i hate going up ladders!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Ah! :-)

    • arb profile image

      arb 6 years ago from oregon

      Love it!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      I wish I had the capability for that great humor! The common sense you have is not accidental - it's just natural. Could seem the same thing. :o]

      BTW - a short one I wrote long ago:

      I suffer from

      A terminal illness

      Called Life.


      _© Nellieanna H. Hay

    • profile image

      arb 6 years ago

      :) My humor is on purpose, common sense, arrived by accident!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Wonderful - near perfect. And I agree with the thinking behind it, as well as enjoying the rollicking laughing. Some while back - well maybe it was WAY back - I concluded that I know my body best and if I'm told I must take a medicine, instead I start looking for what I'm doing to bring a problem to the forefront. I use only one prescription and it's for estrogen which is applied to my upper arm, if I think to do it. It's also good for the complexion (as my GYN mentioned) so I justify it by using whatever doesn't sink into my arm on my face. No more Estee Lauder here. hehe You may or may not know - I am 79 and will be living happily at least to 100 - sans "illness care" barring a "catastrophic situation" - which I will carefully sidestep. I know a about "health care" and practice it.

      I love this article for its humor and its common sense!

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Hi toknowinfo! Thanks for the read and taking time to comment. Who knows, its only a matter of time before someone tells us that writing is bad for our eyes, or that sitting on our -ss for so long will make us constipated!

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 7 years ago

      Hi Arb,

      Loved your hub and your writing style. In your down to earth manner, you spoke the truth about the information we blindly accept. Our society is ruled by big business who profit from the little guy's search to do what is right. But the advice we get isn't always in our best interest, but rather, what makes them the most money for corporations. Thanks for writing about your take on it. It made for a most enjoyable read. Maybe the joys of HubPages, will counteract the negative affect of the hours spent in front of the computer. Rated up, funny, and awesome.

    • profile image

      Emme Hickmond 7 years ago

      fabulous!!!!!! Thank you for another wonderful laugh.

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Hi izettl,

      Forgot about George, he's perfect! Thanks for the comment and for taking the time to read. What a concept! We write and someone reads. Life is grand.

    • izettl profile image

      Laura Izett 7 years ago from The Great Northwest

      All this is so true! I don't trust doctors anymore and especially the government. I have concluded nothing is good for you. Life kills. I look at Geirge Burns who smoked and drank up until 100 and I say it's all a crapshoot.