Living with a Werewolf
Ask yourself the following: Does my significant other have an unusual fascination with the moon? Do they disappear at strange times during the night? Do they smell meat cooking from several miles away? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be living with a werewolf. But don’t panic; not all werewolves are evil and there are a number of things you can do to prepare your home for werewolf habitation.
Make sure you have a lot of silver on your person at all times. While you may love your were-husband or were-wife, you have to take the safety of yourself and others into consideration. Should were-spouse become enraged, you need to subdue them or take them out by any means necessary. Having the proper containment facilities can prevent an attack (more on that below) but so can a healthy supply of food.
You want to ensure that your were-spouse has a healthy diet on a regular schedule. While they prefer human flesh (and in some cases vampire flesh) you can get by with some extra raw steaks or ribs. This, however, only accounts for the bloodlust. Your were-spouse will also need a number of vitamins and minerals to keep them healthy. You could insert a multivitamin into their raw meat, but often times they will discover it and just eat around it. Instead consider fish (for Omega 3s), poultry (for the low fat content) and bone marrow (for the calcium), just to name a few. Also take into consideration your werewolf’s dental hygiene. A toothbrush isn’t going to do you much good, but a dento-bone goes a long way.
Much like when you have a baby, you’ll need to were-proof your house. Secure all of your indoor valuables with a high grade duct tape or gorilla glue. For outdoors, you’ll need reinforced titanium fencing to contain your werewolf. If you go with chain-link fence, make sure it is several layers thick and bury it at least ten feet into the ground so it has a secure base and the werewolf can’t dig under it. You will also have to construct a roof that extends from fence to fence because werewolves can jump extremely high. As an added bonus, however, you can construct, or purchase, a werewolfy house where they can lay down and rest when it is raining. The werewolfy house also needs to be constructed from reinforced titanium.
Since your werewolf won’t be allowed to roam free in the streets of your local city; you’ll want to make sure they get plenty of exercise during that time of the month. There are a number of large were-hamster wheels available, though most werewolves are too appalled to step onto them. Instead consider a reinforced titanium treadmill or a reinforced titanium stepping machine. It may take them a few days to figure out how to use it in wolf form, but they’ll be stretching, jogging, and stepping in no time!
Under no circumstances should you show your werewolf movies about werewolves. It only seems to anger them. Instead consider low stress programs like painting with Bob Ross or the Dog Whisperer. Werewolves also enjoy chew toys (chew toys must be made of reinforced titanium) and romantic audio books. You want a variety of activities to keep your werewolf occupied and forget about his craving for human flesh.
It is not advised that you dress your werewolf in festive sweaters or hats. They will hate you for it. Also, dressing your spouse in advance of the change will only result in ripped clothing. For the most part, their fur will keep them warm in the colder months, but if you find that you need something extra, put your spouse into large, expandable clothing. Sweat pants can stretch well enough as can muumuus and ponchos.
Follow these steps and you will be on your way to living a comfortable, normal life with your werewolf. If you would like further information of the supernatural, you can consult my Tips to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, Field Guide to Vampires or Extermination Manual for Ghosts.
(Disclaimer: This article is completely fictitious. I do not advocate the housing of potentially dangerous animals, nor am I an animal expert of any kind. Should your spouse become a werewolf, consult a professional.)