Lost and Gone Forever

World English Dictionary dysfunctional (dɪsˈfʌŋkʃən ^ə l) — adj

1.med (of an organ or part) not functioning normally

2.(esp of a family) characterized by a breakdown of normal or beneficial relationships between members of the group

Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition
2009 © William Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. 1979, 1986 © HarperCollins
Publishers 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009

When something doesn't work I tend to want to fix it. Usually, what was broken was an appliance or a piece of furniture or something on someone's computer. I'm pretty good at troubleshooting things. I'm pretty good at looking at something that is broken and identifying what needs to be corrected. Sometimes the thing is just broken beyond repair. Sometimes when I've tried to help a friend or relative with a computer issue, the thing is actually worse after I tried to help. It would've been better if I hadn't tinkered with it at all. Sometimes on a computer (and this just happened with me when I was trying to help my Uncle) the thing isn't broken at all but a program that was trying to help was actually causing the problem instead. The "helper app" is thinking there is something wrong which isn't and it's stopping a program from running because it thinks it's harmful - but it's not, it's necessary in fact. It's just a misguided helper app. I'm a misguided helper app sometimes too.

People are trickier than computers or appliances. You can't just replace a person like you would with a bad toaster that can't be repaired. When things go wrong with people the fixes are often difficult. I wasn't surrounded with many coping mechanisms when I was a kid. My mom, possibly misguided by the philosophy she was under in the 70s, let me have quite a bit of free reign and didn't give me a lot of guidance. I was supposedly a "golden" child of sorts and there are several stories of the joys that was my arrival. I was too young to remember and although I heard the stories enough I believe they believed it was true. If it was true at my birth the "excitement" must have faded away quickly as I remember more times of being left alone or with a babysitter. I remember making up games to entertain myself. I felt like the center of attention but that was inside the walls inside of my head not outside of it in the real world.

When I've tried to talk to other people about my issues, it hasn't gone so well. When I tried to deal with the fights my parents were having - there wasn't really anyone around. What I found was helpful was to get away and not think at all for awhile. I had a few places I could run to and let the spinning wheels of my brain slow down. Usually, this would calm me down. When I came back home the matter had usually resolved itself. No one said much about it. No one asked me how I felt about it. If I complained or questioned what was going on it made things worse. I kept my mouth shut tight for the most part.

That problem solving method worked pretty good for me as a kid as a loner. I could make myself feel better fairly quickly. It didn't resolve any conflicts but it made me feel less nervous. As time went on I found myself with my own wife and children. I still had a habit of when things were too stressed and chaotic to isolate myself so I could get a handle on the situation. It sort of backfired as for my wife it seemed like I was running away and just burying the problems. I objected to that opinion but it was exactly what I was doing.

It's hard to change something you've done your whole life and I never really did give it up completely. But I learned to hold my ground and try not to be my own center of attention. I tried to keep my mouth shut tight and did but that didn't help the situation long term. So recently, I've learned to stay put and to actually talk things out with my wife - even when the dialog was painful. My wife and I learned to communicate and understand each other. Maybe truly communicate for the first time. It's a work in progress there - I'd say.

But what works for one situation doesn't always work for other situations. Some relationships are broken toasters. It doesn't matter how much you want to fix the toaster - it is toast. You have to throw it out. I fear some relationships are like this too. Be it with a social group, family members or a conflict with co-workers. Many religious philosophies say you need to stay away from things, ideas or people that are poisonous to your soul. Sometimes you have to say goodbye and lose your friends.

I'm at one of these points (again) in my life where I need to recenter my life. We are throwing out garbage we don't use in our house or donating it so someone else can use it. We're tired of feeling like victims. We've been making a turn towards something new and hopefully better by casting out what is dragging us down. I felt like I received a release from the beyond. With regrets it came but it followed the lyric that I should go on if it makes me happier. Do what you have to do.

You were almost kind
You were almost true
Don’t let me see that other side of you.
You have learned in time 
That you must be cruel
I’ll have to wait to get the best of you.

Poison in everything you say, 
Don’t you don’t you.
Wonder what difference does it make 
Either way.

You were almost kind 
You were almost true
Why give away that other side of you.
Happens every time
So it must be true
Step on a kid he’ll grow up hating you.

Poison in every thing you say, 
Don’t you don’t you.
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way.

Were you ever kind
Were you always cruel
Who has ever seen that other side of you.
Happened every time
So it must be true
Where did you learn it’s either him or you.

You were almost kind 
You were almost true 
Don’t let me see that other side of you.
You have learned in time
That you must be cruel
I’ll have to wait to get the best of you.

Poison in everything you say,
Don’t you don’t you.
Wonder what difference does it make 
Either way.