MEMORIES WE SHARE – PART 12

It has been 12 days since this and much much more has happened! Here's the beginning of the new developments.

A little after 1:00 a.m. I woke to find our cats Tiger and Lil-bit on my chest. Lil-bit was having strong contractions and starting to give birth right on me! As I always do out of habit when I need you and your strong nature and mind, I called out to you and told you she was giving birth. I set her on the carpet and ran for the box, with a towel lining it that I have had prepared for weeks now, thank God, and put her in just as the first baby was being birthed. You sat down on the floor beside her and gently pet her continuously while she gave birth to four – FOUR – healthy mewing kittens. My heart was so full of love for you and joy, watching as you seemed to know just what to do to make the momma, just barely beyond being a kitten herself, more secure and comfortable.

Now for some reason, possibly because her water broke while she was on my chest and I had blood and part of the sack on my shirt, I started gagging and ended up having to leave the room as nature took it’s course all four times with the after birth. I almost threw up all four times and ended up having to take half of a Xanax – I was a wreck. But, my steady rock, you stayed right there and I thought of your famous line you always say when an emergency or unexpected problem has arisen these past 24 years, “I’ve got it covered.” And you always have, somehow you always pull us through whatever we are experiencing and with grace and such strength!

We had that hour together, all of the other animals coming in the room to see what was going on, the sharing of the miracle of birth and watching this young cat who before did not seem to have a clue, turn into a loving mom that knew instinctively what needed to be done.

And then you finally spoke. “Why is she having kittens?” you looked at me with narrowed eyes. I answered that this was what they do when they are expecting babies and you replied, “I didn’t even know she was pregnant.” Then you went back to petting her, never uttering a word, just giving comfort, knowing instinctively what she needed from you.

I can not stop crying today. That magic time is gone and your confusion continues and grows and your spasms have increased to a level that even one sip of coffee or water escapes your unending tries to hold the cup to your mouth. I shampooed chocolate Ensure from the carpet three times yesterday and helped you change clothes at least five times. The only time you would not push my hand away and shake your head NO was when you needed water to take your pills and I ignored your protest and asked you to please do it for me.

I monitor all of your medication now and you have left it alone so I know it is not an overdose of anything causing your confusion. Hospice suspects your kidneys are shutting down now but you have refused the catheter to see if there is any urine in your bladder. You lie with eyes of a four year old who has just been accused of eating cookies without permission and are about as convincing as that child, hand still in the cookie jar. You tell the nurse, oh yes, you are able to urinate, no troubles there.

They have added another medication to the endless list you were taking too. Haldol, which I really didn’t think I’d give you until the hallucinations got so bad and you were so agitated that there was no reason not to let you have the relief the drowsiness brings as it begins to work. You have become suspicious of most of what I say or do, thinking I am taking your medication or tricking you. The nurse asked if you’d go into the hospital to see if they needed to adjust medications or add something because your spasms have become so violent anything in your hand slams to the floor or goes flying. This morning you have a burn under your chin, the exact shape of a lit cigarette. But you told her no, you would let them adjust what they need to while you remain at home.

You have an appointment in the city that is a fifty-seven mile round trip from us on Monday, with the psychiatrist and I have one the same day with my cardiologist but I am wondering now if I shouldn’t cancel yours completely and ask for refills on your meds and reschedule mine. I see no way I can drive with you that far let alone get you out of the car and into the wheel chair you must now use because your legs have buckled on you three times, once causing you to fall. Was it just two days ago you were out having coffee at your local hangout? Maybe it was longer but it was sometime this week. Or was it a week ago? One day has melted into the next completely now and I can not keep up and have quit even trying. I only leave the room when you are asleep or if I absolutely have to. I want time with you! I do not want to look up and see an empty chair or the couch barren of you like I did the other night when something woke me and I found you standing in the kitchen. You had no idea why you were there so we got a glass of water to make the trip seem worthwhile. I was so happy just to see you I would have broke out the champagne if we had any.