Marriage is for Real Men!

They say that the institution of marriage is crumbling. They say that its an antiquated notion no longer relevant today. They say that it's a silly idea meant only to satisfy a legal prerequisite. That's very much like telling Genghis Khan that war is over rated. Try telling Republicans that the Democrats don't want to argue anymore. What's a soldier to do without a battle, without a war to wage?

They say that one should keep friends close and the enemy even closer. You can't get any closer than sleeping with the enemy. Sleeping with the enemy takes cunning. It builds character. It requires sacrifice and teaches us the intricacies of deception and strategy. Anyone can have sex with a friend, but it takes courage to sleep with your wife. Man has been engaged in this battle since Adam discovered fig leafs in unusual places and now that I've gotten things figured out, everybody wants to quit in favor of friends with benefits.

What am I going to do when there's no one to disagree with? No one around to point out my deficiencies or to tell me when I'm wrong? Who's going to tell me when I need new underwear or contrary to repeated efforts, that my mismatched socks do not constitute a fashion statement.

Marriage has taught me that home is not a sanctuary. Its boot camp. Its endless gauntlets, snares and mine fields laid meticulously beneath black lace, disguised in perfumed smiles and concealed, treacherously in satin sheets.

It is the granddaddy of all boot camps and the men who huddle fearlessly in its trenches are the most courageous men on the planet. They are elite warriors, real men, unafraid of the perils which lie obscured in intimate promises.

Marriage has taught me that PMS doesn't come once a month. It has led me to discoveries that are reserved only for those who say "I do". I now know that burnt food is nutritious. I know where the Hallmark channel is. I know how to separate the whites from the colors and that you scrape food off the plate before putting them in the dishwasher. Marriage has taught me that the best time to talk about absolutely nothing is during the last two minutes of a football game. Marriage has taught me that when she says "we need to talk" the world and everything in it, stops until we do.

Marriage has taught me that things like, golf, fishing and television endanger meaningful relationships. It has taught me that you can spend an entire day at Macy's, Nordstrom, Bed, Bath and Beyond and accomplish absolutely nothing. Marriage has taught me that you can't rinse off the Pampers and put them back on baby. Its taught me that duct tape is not a suitable pacifier. Its taught me that tying baby to my leg and taking a nap does not constitute babysitting.

Marriage has taught me that a man's home is not his castle, it's a fashion statement. Couches are not for naps. They are little orphanages, set aside for all the homeless and frilly little pillows of the world. As a matter of fact, homes do not any have rooms for napping because every room has been prepared just in case the queen of England decides to drop over for a visit.

Marriage has taught me that electricity is a detriment to candlelight. That taking a shower "does not" simultaneously clean the tub. Marriage has taught me that menopause is not a pause. Walking around the house with the hair dryer blowing does not constitute dusting and spraying the windows with Windex doesn't clean them, you actually have to wipe the stuff off. Marriage has taught me that a new toaster doesn't say happy anniversary, that foreplay isn't whispering "Come to daddy" and that romance isn't conveyed by slapping her fanny.

Yep, co-habitation is for sissies and weenies! Its for the guy whose only lasting relationship is with a BMW or a gym membership.

Real men get married. They can take a "No" and show up again tomorrow ready to engage the enemy! Husbands aren't afraid to advance in the face of opposition. They don't retreat." We have met the enemy and they are ours." What kind of a guy wants complete surrender without the requisite battle? A weenie, that's who! Real men need to battle, to move the immovable, to experience daily conquest. Real men are proud of the wounds, the battle scars and the injuries which evidence their years of rugged engagement.

What would lawyers do without our marriages. How would they pillage, plunder and reap the spoils of our war? What about marriage counselors? They would be left to go home and work on their own relationships! Politicians depend on marriage in order to keep track of all the (affairs) confronting them.

Marriage is essential to our well being. Without it, we wouldn't know that insanity doesn't kill you. We wouldn't know that dysfunction is necessary to the success of all relationships. Marriage is the open window, through which we view reality. Without it, we would think we were happy all the time. Marriage is monumental to our moral; Who else would crawl into bed with us after forty years? It is paramount to our sense of self worth; What else but marriage, could keep you in a room where air freshener isn't enough to disguise that it was either you or the dog and you have never owned a dog?

Yes, marriage is a perpetual battle. It arms us with enough stubbornness to weather the endless rains of absurdity and it orchestrates the daily chaos into a music which begs us dance.

We will never know if the ecstasy is from the fighting or from the making up. It is all that's good in bad and all that's bad in good blended into one intoxicating cocktail that leaves us so drunk with love that whatever is wrong with marriage will never matter. With all its inevitable conflict, its inherent and inescapable peril, the reward of every impending resolution will exceed the promised danger. For the cause of this perpetual battle, for this exhaustive engagement, for this gauntlet to authentic manhood, do real men marry.

Today, I will launch yet, another assault on the battlefield that separates the men who marry from those that won't. It is a battle which will attack my sense of masculinity and further attest to a character which is worthy of the great battle. Today I will spend the day with my wife at "Fabrics R Us". I will gaze upon aisles of fabric, femininity and fiasco. I will endure the endless perusal of gingham, chiffon and satins. I will bob my head up and down in dazed agreement and I will smile as though I were sitting on the fifty yard line at an Army - Navy game.

Sissy's and weenies lack the fortitude to confront such challenges. They are all stuck down at the gym oiling their six pack and passing out cards with a BMW plastered all over the face. Real men are down here at "Fabrics r Us" laying the groundwork for tonight's assault.