Midwestern Man Discovers Saturn is "Effed-Up"

Neighbor states: It's like a Midwestern boy has finally done good.

POSTED: 5:36 a.m. CDT August 27, 2010
UPDATED: 8:21 a.m. CDT August 27, 2010

MADISON, WI - University of Wisconsin-Madison officials in conjunction with NASA have announced that local resident, John Beadle, discovered that Saturn is effed-up and "but good". Immediate verification was delayed while officials took the time to re-program the Hubble Space Telescope telemetry to look at Saturn. Hubble had been exploring the deep space region of the Universe where it is believed some of the answers to the meaning of life exist.

"No one, save a few novice yahoos from Wisconsin are looking at Saturn these days", Ford Prefetch, famous space traveler and a NASA spokesman was quoted as saying. "There are so many more interesting things to look at these days; even amateur astronomers are bored with Saturn. Not one legitimate scientist with a telescope in the world has their telescope pointed at Saturn currently, not even in the past year. Never the less we decided to check out the wild claims of Mr. Beadle who said that he was really sure that Saturn was effed-up. If nothing else, to ridicule and embarrass him."

Ford Prefetch, who was strangely wearing a towel, did confirm that Saturn was indeed effed-up, "Holy essit, I said to my assistant, Saturn really is effed-up!!!! It looks like Venus!?!? It is as-if the side of the planet has disappeared. AND the rings can not be seen."

This matched the earlier reports from John Beadle of Madison when he described what he had seen the night before.

"I was looking at what I figured was Saturn", said Mr. Beadle, "As it was very bright and still quite high up in the early night sky. I had double checked my free star map program I have on my computer and that pretty much verified it had to be Saturn. But when I looked at it through my telescope, it looked more like Venus in one of its phases. I'd seen Saturn the year before and it had the rings and all and you could make out the stripes but this thing was like a half moon with no rings. It's completely effed-up."

Brian Welch, a chief NASA spokesman and a way more reliable source than Ford Prefetch said he had no comment on why Saturn is effed-up other than to shrug his shoulders.

Mr. Prefetch explained, "We don't know why it is effed-up, and I mean effed-up but good. We can tell it doesn't look right and that we aren't looking at Venus. Whether the planet is being destroyed by hostile aliens or there is something blocking our vision to Saturn or whether we are on the verge of the Mayan apocalypse - we just really don't have enough data at this point to make a solid guess. We advise people not to panic at this point but to be on standby for concern or possibly even worry as details become known. There are no satellites nearby to help us figure out what happened at the moment but it is safe to assume that something not good has occurred and apparently something pretty destructive is happening… I mean, whatever it is has completely effed-up Saturn!"

John Beadle, also claimed that he had known Saturn had been effed-up for days before reporting it to the UW-Madison Astronomy Department.

Beadle commented, "I saw that Saturn didn't look right a few days ago and I'd even posted it on my list group site, Chicken_Talk to some of the members. I was telling them that Saturn looked completely effed-up and if someone could explain it. This guy, Spencer James, well that isn't his real name but just something he goes by, told me it was probably Venus and then went on to explain why we can only see the planets like Mercury and Venus just after sunset or just before sunrise because they are the inner planets. Like I haven't gotten past Astronomy 101 or something?!?! That killed me. This guy thinks only people who went to the University of Texas understand anything. Anyway, I assured Spencer that it was late early-evening and impossible to be Venus considering its height in the sky and the lateness of the early hour and how I'd verified it with my free star map program. Then this HR "Happy Roosta" guy who writes the Daily Cluck for my Chicken_Talk site, a place where we talk about chickens – just blah blah blahs that he thinks it is Venus too so I just dropped it.

Except, after that and for three nights in a row the planet that was NOT VENUS was still all effed-up and I had to call the UW-Madison Astronomy department to let them know. AND I live in Edgerton , even though the guy on News15 kept saying I was from Madison. I graduated from Madison but I'm from Edgerton now - and viewed this all in Edgerton so the least you could do is put Edgerton as the city in the by-line when you write up this piece. For accuracy, if nothing else.

And it would be nice if the article didn't dwell on the whole thing about how I blog about chickens on the Internet like the News15 news jerk guy did. He seemed to feel like potentially *I* was crazy. Just because I have an Internet list group that talks about chickens and that I discovered that Saturn was effed-up. I mean, NASA admits it is effed-up so I'm not that crazy! I'm sane enough to see that Saturn didn't look right."

The statements made by Mr. Beadle in regards to his sanity will have to be determined true or not true when all of the facts come in. But for now, at least, it seems NASA agrees with Mr. John Beadle from Madison, Wisconsin that Saturn is indeed effed-up. At least, effed-up for the time being and but good.