Morbid Chuckles News Presents: Used Car Salesman Pitches Death
This hub is fictional and is meant for the light hearted. If you offend easily, are politically correct or have no sense of humor you may not appreciate this hub.
In this slightly morbid and tasteless attempt to amuse hub, I explore what it might be like if a used car salesman tried to sell death for a living. Be forewarned it is far fetched and a bit quirky. I list things he might say to try to close a sale.
While Pitching Casket Sales…
Potential Commission: 15% of retail the price.
1. What….the liner is too thin? Why this casket is dressed with the best memory foam liner money can buy. It has been guaranteed to prevent rolling in the grave and that morning after stiffness. If rolling in the grave is what you seek we can install wheels.
2. If it feels too claustrophobic for you or you just want to rid yourself from that snug feeling…you may be interested in our premium options. We can install skylights so you can see the earth or for a bit more opt for a sheer glass top so you can see the moon.
3. Worried about temperature variation? May I personally recommend one of our newest premium insulated caskets that’s guaranteed to keep you cold year after year.
4. You mentioned you’re susceptible to sunburn. For a fraction more may I suggest our UV ray coating to ensure your ageless skin?
5. I know fifteen thousand dollars sounds like a lot of money up front but it is a small price to pay to protect your assets. A built in alarm system will deter grave robbers.
6. For customer satisfaction and quality assurance purposes…we include a pay as you go cell phone to be buried with you in case of an emergency.
7. If you are looking to be cremated but the family doesn’t approve that is where we come in. For the right price we offer the stiff double option. By the time they are itching their heads that it looks a lot like you but….. You have already been cremated. No must, no fuss you were never at your funeral. So are you ready to sign a contract to receive our services?
So I see you not ready to commit. Please take my card so when you have made a decision we can schedule an appointment…
Remember our motto….Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Body Back.
It’s your time…
Why waste it?
Mr. Peter Pendulum
“Because death doesn’t have to be done wrong”
Kicking The Bucket Memorial Services
777 Departing Way
Loathing, WV 77777