ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Morbid Chuckles News Presents: Used Car Salesman Pitches Death

Updated on April 17, 2018

This hub is fictional and is meant for the light hearted. If you offend easily, are politically correct or have no sense of humor you may not appreciate this hub.

In this slightly morbid and tasteless attempt to amuse hub, I explore what it might be like if a used car salesman tried to sell death for a living. Be forewarned it is far fetched and a bit quirky. I list things he might say to try to close a sale.

While Pitching Casket Sales…

Potential Commission: 15% of retail the price.

1. What….the liner is too thin? Why this casket is dressed with the best memory foam liner money can buy. It has been guaranteed to prevent rolling in the grave and that morning after stiffness. If rolling in the grave is what you seek we can install wheels.

2. If it feels too claustrophobic for you or you just want to rid yourself from that snug feeling…you may be interested in our premium options. We can install skylights so you can see the earth or for a bit more opt for a sheer glass top so you can see the moon.

3. Worried about temperature variation? May I personally recommend one of our newest premium insulated caskets that’s guaranteed to keep you cold year after year.

4. You mentioned you’re susceptible to sunburn. For a fraction more may I suggest our UV ray coating to ensure your ageless skin?

5. I know fifteen thousand dollars sounds like a lot of money up front but it is a small price to pay to protect your assets. A built in alarm system will deter grave robbers.

6. For customer satisfaction and quality assurance purposes…we include a pay as you go cell phone to be buried with you in case of an emergency.

7. If you are looking to be cremated but the family doesn’t approve that is where we come in. For the right price we offer the stiff double option. By the time they are itching their heads that it looks a lot like you but….. You have already been cremated. No must, no fuss you were never at your funeral. So are you ready to sign a contract to receive our services?

So I see you not ready to commit. Please take my card so when you have made a decision we can schedule an appointment…

Remember our motto….Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Body Back.


It’s your time…

Why waste it?

Mr. Peter Pendulum

Condolences Consult

“Because death doesn’t have to be done wrong”

Kicking The Bucket Memorial Services

777 Departing Way

Loathing, WV 77777


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      5 years ago from Northeast United States

      Jodah: Thank you :). I try to push the envelope without tearing it :). I'm so happy you loved the read :)

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      5 years ago from Northeast United States

      Jaye: Thank you for reading :). Have a great day :)

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      5 years ago from Northeast United States

      Frank: Thank you for your kind comments :). There's more to come soon :). I'll be reading your sinking cementary hub soon. I'll he writing a Halloween story once I get a chance.

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      5 years ago from Northeast United States

      Flourish Anyway: We can do vanilla or French vanilla sundae. If you prefer we can embalm you with's sunshine mint sound ? We can also install a dehumidifier for that damp feeling. There I go selling again :). LOL. Thank you so much for your support :). Quirky is exactly what I was hoping for :)

    • FlourishAnyway profile image


      5 years ago from USA

      Very quirky and I loved it! I need vanilla fragrance piped into mine, just in case things start to get a little musty.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 

      5 years ago from Shelton

      funny regardless.. you have an intelligent sense of humor carrie.. or I too must be from 777 Departing Way

      Loathing, WV 77777

      love it

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 

      5 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Yep, it's morbid, but yep, it's also funny. I have a quirky sense of humor anyway.

      Voted Up+


    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      5 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Love your sense of humour Carrie. Nothing is off limits. :) Well done, voted up funny.

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      5 years ago from Northeast United States

      Billybuc: Thank you ! :). I'm happy to pull a grin :). Have a great weekend.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Way too funny! Thanks for the chuckle. Have a great weekend.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)