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Morbid Chuckles News Presents: Used Car Salesman Pitches Death

Updated on April 17, 2018
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This hub is fictional and is meant for the light hearted. If you offend easily, are politically correct or have no sense of humor you may not appreciate this hub.



In this slightly morbid and tasteless attempt to amuse hub, I explore what it might be like if a used car salesman tried to sell death for a living. Be forewarned it is far fetched and a bit quirky. I list things he might say to try to close a sale.



While Pitching Casket Sales…

Potential Commission: 15% of retail the price.



1. What….the liner is too thin? Why this casket is dressed with the best memory foam liner money can buy. It has been guaranteed to prevent rolling in the grave and that morning after stiffness. If rolling in the grave is what you seek we can install wheels.


2. If it feels too claustrophobic for you or you just want to rid yourself from that snug feeling…you may be interested in our premium options. We can install skylights so you can see the earth or for a bit more opt for a sheer glass top so you can see the moon.



3. Worried about temperature variation? May I personally recommend one of our newest premium insulated caskets that’s guaranteed to keep you cold year after year.



4. You mentioned you’re susceptible to sunburn. For a fraction more may I suggest our UV ray coating to ensure your ageless skin?


5. I know fifteen thousand dollars sounds like a lot of money up front but it is a small price to pay to protect your assets. A built in alarm system will deter grave robbers.



6. For customer satisfaction and quality assurance purposes…we include a pay as you go cell phone to be buried with you in case of an emergency.



7. If you are looking to be cremated but the family doesn’t approve that is where we come in. For the right price we offer the stiff double option. By the time they are itching their heads that it looks a lot like you but….. You have already been cremated. No must, no fuss you were never at your funeral. So are you ready to sign a contract to receive our services?



So I see you not ready to commit. Please take my card so when you have made a decision we can schedule an appointment…


Remember our motto….Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Body Back.



BUSINESS CARD:

It’s your time…

Why waste it?


Mr. Peter Pendulum

Condolences Consult

“Because death doesn’t have to be done wrong”


Kicking The Bucket Memorial Services

777 Departing Way

Loathing, WV 77777

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    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Jodah: Thank you :). I try to push the envelope without tearing it :). I'm so happy you loved the read :)

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Jaye: Thank you for reading :). Have a great day :)

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Frank: Thank you for your kind comments :). There's more to come soon :). I'll be reading your sinking cementary hub soon. I'll he writing a Halloween story once I get a chance.

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Flourish Anyway: We can do vanilla or French vanilla sundae. If you prefer we can embalm you with freshness...how's sunshine mint sound ? We can also install a dehumidifier for that damp feeling. There I go selling again :). LOL. Thank you so much for your support :). Quirky is exactly what I was hoping for :)

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 

      4 years ago from USA

      Very quirky and I loved it! I need vanilla fragrance piped into mine, just in case things start to get a little musty.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 

      4 years ago from Shelton

      funny regardless.. you have an intelligent sense of humor carrie.. or I too must be from 777 Departing Way

      Loathing, WV 77777

      love it

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 

      4 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Yep, it's morbid, but yep, it's also funny. I have a quirky sense of humor anyway.

      Voted Up+

      Jaye

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Love your sense of humour Carrie. Nothing is off limits. :) Well done, voted up funny.

    • carrie Lee Night profile imageAUTHOR

      Carrie Lee Night 

      4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Billybuc: Thank you ! :). I'm happy to pull a grin :). Have a great weekend.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Way too funny! Thanks for the chuckle. Have a great weekend.

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