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Mother Goose for Ye Olde Modern Tymes

Updated on June 19, 2013

A few years back when I was suffering a terrible case of writer's block I took up a little activity to relieve my frustration: revising some old Mother Goose nursery rhymes. These took inspiration from current events, and I gave them most of them a humorous slant. Over time I've had to update those first attempts as current events and culture are, of course, constantly changing. But it is still a fun pastime and posted here are the most recently updated in my collection. I hope you enjoy them, and if you ever are in a creative slump you might find putting your own twist to Mother Goose nursery rhymes may be just what the Write Doctor ordered.


Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney,

where have you been?

“I’ve been on the campaign trail again.”

Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney,

what did you there?

“I worked to forget how I framed ObamaCare.”



Barry, Barry, Quite Contrary

Barry, Barry, quite contrary,

your office how can you save?

with Hollywood donators and union protestors

and the dead casting votes from the grave.



Txt To Your Daddy


Txt to your Daddy, my little man

txt to your Daddy before you get in the van.

For one thing is sure

when you get behind the wheel

to txt while driving

will make you roadkill.



POTUS, POTUS, OLE TAX-EATER


POTUS, POTUS ole tax-eater,

had a wife and tried to Tweet her.

But she was vacationing on the Rhine

so he golfed to pass the time.



Jerry Sandusky

Jerry Sandusky, pigskins and lies,

kissed the boys and made them cry.

When the jury came out to stay,

Jerry Sandusky was taken away.



I Had A Little Chinese Toy

I had a little Chinese toy, it made me lose my hair,

it made my skin fall off and my immune system go bare;

I used to be a girl; but now I’m a boy-

all for the sake of my little Chinese toy.

I lay now in the hospital, my blood is quite septic,

while the feds still levy high taxes on everything domestic.



Waa, Waa, Michelle Malkin

Waa, waa Michelle Malkin,

can you wage a war?

Yes, sir, yes sir,

a real class war!

War against the jobless,

war against the poor

and war against any Japanese-Americans coming to my door.



Prince Eric

Prince Eric, Prince Eric,

how the truth can you oppose?

“With the President sure to lock it

and Pelosi is in my pocket

and a finger slid way up my nose.”


The FDA Bureaucrats

The FDA bureaucrats came out to play

all blithely determined one summer’s day.

They prohibited cigarettes,

they outlawed cancer meds,

they took away vitamins,

got rid of sweets, salt and bread.

And as they celebrated

for all that they’d done

they forced us to take prescriptions

that tasted like dung.

And just as the sun sank low over the hills

The FDA banned the humans that swallowed their pills.



Little Freddy Frick-Frack

Little Freddy Frick-Frack,

cut off his ball rack.

What shall little Freddy do?

Buy him some tits

and give him a split

then he can win Miss USA, too.



Silly Billy

Silly Billy petty and sad,

his heart glowered brightly mad

at those prettier and wittier than he.

So Silly Billy courted a sow

then a horse and next a cow

and threw the dung at the girls like a cad.


Little Johnny Boehner

Little Johnny Boehner cries like no restrainer.

What can we do? Give him a tissue in a container.

How can he wipe his tears in front of all the guys?

How can his wife kiss him and still not roll her eyes?



Hickory, Dickory, Dock

Hickory, Dickory dock,

the debt ran past the clock;

the ceiling snapped like a twig,

and Georgie danced a jig,

Hickory Dickory dock.




Old Father American

Old Father American had paid his premium share,

before the bad accident sent him down the stairs.

And while he lay bleeding, and his insurance company whined it was unfair,

the pharmaceuticals raised their costs and called it Obama-Care.



Diddle, Diddle, Diddle Boff

Diddle, diddle, diddle, boff went Kim,

and laid on the bed for Kris to film

It turned Kim on and turned Myla off,

diddle, diddle, diddle, Kim went boff!



Teacher Needs Tenure


Teacher needs tenure,

Teacher needs higher pay

Teacher needs more vacation

if she’s going to stay.


Teacher needs full benefits

Teacher needs shorter weeks,

Teacher needs a retirement package

if her services we are to seek.


Teacher abides no parents

to put her under review,

Teacher abides no challenge

by any differing view.


Teacher doesn’t like any candy

Teacher doesn’t like any hugs,

Teacher doesn’t like childlike behavior

so bring your prescription drugs.


And when Teacher dies the union

in her obituary shall paint

that Teacher was the epitome

of everything called saint.



Old Mother Obama


Old Mother Obama

went to the Bahamas

to get barbecue in a bun.

And when she was fed

Snap! went her seam threads,

so the children of course had none.


Wee Billy O'Reilly

Wee Billy O’Reilly runs through the hour

on the Factor every night, foaming and sour;

screaming against all vices, calling for more laws,

“I throw the first stone, folks, because I've ice for balls!”


As I Went To The Concert

As I went to the concert to see the Boss

I saw a rude "Lady" upon a high horse.

With middle finger up and outie cameltoe,

she will have the press wherever she goes.


Little Fem-Nazi


I avoid little Fem-Nazi,

her wrath is so warm

and if I don’t make eye contact

she may do me no harm.

So I’ll not open a door

or act macho or manly

and if I am lucky

she won’t go Lorena Bobbit on me.




Little Al Gore

Little Al Gore, come blow your hot air,

global temperature has fallen; snow is up to your hair.

Where is the dude who collects the carbon credits?

He’s at the bank, adding gold to his debit.

Will you question him? No, not I,

For if I do he’s sure to cry.



Joe, Joe, the Scranton Son

Joe, Joe, the Scranton son,

stole a speech and away did run.

The speech was used

and plagiarism accused,

but smirk’n Joe wasn’t daunted

by his infringement misuse.




There Was an Angelina Wannabe

There was an Angelina wannabe who had no taboos,

and had so many children she knew just what to do,

So she got implanted with eight more – ah, isn’t that stable?

Now she’s celebrity Octo-mom, courstey of tabloids that enable.


Old Hollywood

Old Hollywood is a green city

we must all attest is true,

for all the scripts in Hollywood

have been recycled through and through.



NYC Has No Big Gulps

NYC has no Big Gulps today;

as they’ve been banned since May;

but to see the Mayor run quick

and stuff his mouth thick,

just declare a National Doughnut Holiday.




Bobby Shafto Went To War


Bobby Shafto went to war,

to that place the President had swore

that bringing troops home was his chore,

Bonny Bobby Shafto!


Bobby Shafto was young and fair

before the President sent him there

to sacrifice blood, limbs or more,

Bonny Bobby Shafto!


Bobby Shafto grew tired of war

in that place forever sore,

where a soldier’s life is foreswore,

Bonny Bobby Shafto!


Bobby Shafto perceived it pure absurdity,

this president’s answer for job security-

to use national defense to excuse his obscenity,

Bonny Bobby Shafto!


Bobby Shafto, as they bury you now

I pray in earnest that somehow

no soldiers more are ever maimed

as pawns in the old parlor game;

played by those who seek to gain

to bask in the sheets where the devil’s lain

for mere prestige, convenience or power

and behind the sacrifice of others cower,

knowing not the difference between defense and shame

or of a war of just cause and a war that's a game.

I will remember you, Bobby Shafto.



This Hub ©June 25, 2012 by Beth Perry


Comments

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  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    dahoglund, folks have been doing this for generations in one form or another; I know history tells that some of the most famous Mother Goose rhymes were inspired by real public figures. Thanks much for dropping by!

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    racinwa, thanks for dropping by and reading!

  • dahoglund profile image

    Don A. Hoglund 

    6 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

    It is a good way to poke fun at public figures. I am not very poetic myself, so I'll leave it for you and others ot do.

  • raciniwa profile image

    raciniwa 

    6 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

    now this is the product of a long rest, welcome back Beth...

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Glad you liked them, Nell, and thanks :)

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 

    6 years ago from England

    Beth that was genius! lol! loved the mrs obama one! but all of them were spot on! brilliant!

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thanks Will :)

  • WillStarr profile image

    WillStarr 

    6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

    Now that is funny stuff, especially some of the words you sneak in!

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    clason, glad you enjoyed it :)

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    I appreciate that Mhatter99, and thanks for dropping by to read :)

  • Mhatter99 profile image

    Martin Kloess 

    6 years ago from San Francisco

    wow funny!

    Mr. Limerick

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you Tobey100 :)

  • tobey100 profile image

    tobey100 

    6 years ago from Whites Creek, Tennessee

    Now THAT'S humor! Unbelievabley funny!

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    And Dexter, YOU just made my morning! Happy to know you enjoyed them, thanks :)

  • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

    Dexter Yarbrough 

    6 years ago from United States

    Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth! Your ingenuity, creativity and outstanding sense of humor never cease to amaze me. Boy did I have fun with these today!

    I am actually crying from laughing so hard!

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