Mother Goose for Ye Olde Modern Tymes
A few years back when I was suffering a terrible case of writer's block I took up a little activity to relieve my frustration: revising some old Mother Goose nursery rhymes. These took inspiration from current events, and I gave them most of them a humorous slant. Over time I've had to update those first attempts as current events and culture are, of course, constantly changing. But it is still a fun pastime and posted here are the most recently updated in my collection. I hope you enjoy them, and if you ever are in a creative slump you might find putting your own twist to Mother Goose nursery rhymes may be just what the Write Doctor ordered.
Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney,
where have you been?
“I’ve been on the campaign trail again.”
Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney,
what did you there?
“I worked to forget how I framed ObamaCare.”
Barry, Barry, Quite Contrary
Barry, Barry, quite contrary,
your office how can you save?
with Hollywood donators and union protestors
and the dead casting votes from the grave.
Txt To Your Daddy
Txt to your Daddy, my little man
txt to your Daddy before you get in the van.
For one thing is sure
when you get behind the wheel
to txt while driving
will make you roadkill.
POTUS, POTUS, OLE TAX-EATER
POTUS, POTUS ole tax-eater,
had a wife and tried to Tweet her.
But she was vacationing on the Rhine
so he golfed to pass the time.
Jerry Sandusky
Jerry Sandusky, pigskins and lies,
kissed the boys and made them cry.
When the jury came out to stay,
Jerry Sandusky was taken away.
I Had A Little Chinese Toy
I had a little Chinese toy, it made me lose my hair,
it made my skin fall off and my immune system go bare;
I used to be a girl; but now I’m a boy-
all for the sake of my little Chinese toy.
I lay now in the hospital, my blood is quite septic,
while the feds still levy high taxes on everything domestic.
Waa, Waa, Michelle Malkin
Waa, waa Michelle Malkin,
can you wage a war?
Yes, sir, yes sir,
a real class war!
War against the jobless,
war against the poor
and war against any Japanese-Americans coming to my door.
Prince Eric
Prince Eric, Prince Eric,
how the truth can you oppose?
“With the President sure to lock it
and Pelosi is in my pocket
and a finger slid way up my nose.”
The FDA Bureaucrats
The FDA bureaucrats came out to play
all blithely determined one summer’s day.
They prohibited cigarettes,
they outlawed cancer meds,
they took away vitamins,
got rid of sweets, salt and bread.
And as they celebrated
for all that they’d done
they forced us to take prescriptions
that tasted like dung.
And just as the sun sank low over the hills
The FDA banned the humans that swallowed their pills.
Little Freddy Frick-Frack
Little Freddy Frick-Frack,
cut off his ball rack.
What shall little Freddy do?
Buy him some tits
and give him a split
then he can win Miss USA, too.
Silly Billy
Silly Billy petty and sad,
his heart glowered brightly mad
at those prettier and wittier than he.
So Silly Billy courted a sow
then a horse and next a cow
and threw the dung at the girls like a cad.
Little Johnny Boehner
Little Johnny Boehner cries like no restrainer.
What can we do? Give him a tissue in a container.
How can he wipe his tears in front of all the guys?
How can his wife kiss him and still not roll her eyes?
Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Hickory, Dickory dock,
the debt ran past the clock;
the ceiling snapped like a twig,
and Georgie danced a jig,
Hickory Dickory dock.
Old Father American
Old Father American had paid his premium share,
before the bad accident sent him down the stairs.
And while he lay bleeding, and his insurance company whined it was unfair,
the pharmaceuticals raised their costs and called it Obama-Care.
Diddle, Diddle, Diddle Boff
Diddle, diddle, diddle, boff went Kim,
and laid on the bed for Kris to film
It turned Kim on and turned Myla off,
diddle, diddle, diddle, Kim went boff!
Teacher Needs Tenure
Teacher needs tenure,
Teacher needs higher pay
Teacher needs more vacation
if she’s going to stay.
Teacher needs full benefits
Teacher needs shorter weeks,
Teacher needs a retirement package
if her services we are to seek.
Teacher abides no parents
to put her under review,
Teacher abides no challenge
by any differing view.
Teacher doesn’t like any candy
Teacher doesn’t like any hugs,
Teacher doesn’t like childlike behavior
so bring your prescription drugs.
And when Teacher dies the union
in her obituary shall paint
that Teacher was the epitome
of everything called saint.
Old Mother Obama
Old Mother Obama
went to the Bahamas
to get barbecue in a bun.
And when she was fed
Snap! went her seam threads,
so the children of course had none.
Wee Billy O'Reilly
Wee Billy O’Reilly runs through the hour
on the Factor every night, foaming and sour;
screaming against all vices, calling for more laws,
“I throw the first stone, folks, because I've ice for balls!”
As I Went To The Concert
As I went to the concert to see the Boss
I saw a rude "Lady" upon a high horse.
With middle finger up and outie cameltoe,
she will have the press wherever she goes.
Little Fem-Nazi
I avoid little Fem-Nazi,
her wrath is so warm
and if I don’t make eye contact
she may do me no harm.
So I’ll not open a door
or act macho or manly
and if I am lucky
she won’t go Lorena Bobbit on me.
Little Al Gore
Little Al Gore, come blow your hot air,
global temperature has fallen; snow is up to your hair.
Where is the dude who collects the carbon credits?
He’s at the bank, adding gold to his debit.
Will you question him? No, not I,
For if I do he’s sure to cry.
Joe, Joe, the Scranton Son
Joe, Joe, the Scranton son,
stole a speech and away did run.
The speech was used
and plagiarism accused,
but smirk’n Joe wasn’t daunted
by his infringement misuse.
There Was an Angelina Wannabe
There was an Angelina wannabe who had no taboos,
and had so many children she knew just what to do,
So she got implanted with eight more – ah, isn’t that stable?
Now she’s celebrity Octo-mom, courstey of tabloids that enable.
Old Hollywood
Old Hollywood is a green city
we must all attest is true,
for all the scripts in Hollywood
have been recycled through and through.
NYC Has No Big Gulps
NYC has no Big Gulps today;
as they’ve been banned since May;
but to see the Mayor run quick
and stuff his mouth thick,
just declare a National Doughnut Holiday.
Bobby Shafto Went To War
Bobby Shafto went to war,
to that place the President had swore
that bringing troops home was his chore,
Bonny Bobby Shafto!
Bobby Shafto was young and fair
before the President sent him there
to sacrifice blood, limbs or more,
Bonny Bobby Shafto!
Bobby Shafto grew tired of war
in that place forever sore,
where a soldier’s life is foreswore,
Bonny Bobby Shafto!
Bobby Shafto perceived it pure absurdity,
this president’s answer for job security-
to use national defense to excuse his obscenity,
Bonny Bobby Shafto!
Bobby Shafto, as they bury you now
I pray in earnest that somehow
no soldiers more are ever maimed
as pawns in the old parlor game;
played by those who seek to gain
to bask in the sheets where the devil’s lain
for mere prestige, convenience or power
and behind the sacrifice of others cower,
knowing not the difference between defense and shame
or of a war of just cause and a war that's a game.
I will remember you, Bobby Shafto.
This Hub ©June 25, 2012 by Beth Perry
