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Mr. Know-It-All Answers Your Sex Questions

Updated on May 4, 2009

Who Is This Sage?

Mr. Know-It-All is not a licensed Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Sex Therapist. Instead, he has studied heavily at the School of Life and Hard Knock-Ups. Since 1999, unencumbered by University degrees or Professional certification, he has offered his healing advice on everything from sex education to dog grooming, literally to tens of people. He is proud to offer his services to the men and women of HubPages. If you have a question for Mr. Know-It-All, please leave it in the comment section of this column and if chosen, your question will be answered in next weeks column.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen and Scoundrels and Wacko's, we are proud to introduce...Mr. Know-It-All!   First question, please.

How Important is Foreplay?

Answer: Foreplay before sex is very important. Just as an athlete will stretch and “warm up” before the big game, so too must the lover. This gets the blood going to the muscles and warms and loosens them up, otherwise you could pull something. There are more groins pulled in the bedroom than anywhere else combined.

Here is what I do: Begin by doing some light stretches. Then jog around the bedroom for 5 minutes. Now stretch a little more thoroughly. Good. Now you're warmed up and stretched out, so get going, Bucko, she's not going to wait all day.

Arnold Ziffle - The know-it-all pig.
Arnold Ziffle - The know-it-all pig.

Do Men Really Think With Their Penis'?

Answer: Yes. Yes, they do. Recently, scientists actually found a tiny brain about the size of a snake's brain in one man's penis. They carefully removed the brains from several penis' and transplanted them into the craniums of mice.

In a laboratory test, a maze was set up with a chunk of cheese at one exit and a vagina at the other. In the interest of scientific accuracy, both the cheese and vagina were Swiss. Out of 400 test runs, the mouse chose the exit with the vagina 93% of the time. Curiously, 7% chose the cheese, which appropriately coincides with the estimated homosexual population among males.

Can Masturbating Make You Go Blind?

Answer: Yes. It can happen thusly: You are masturbating. During climax, you start doing all that herky jerky stuff that you always do, the same stuff that makes your lovers – if you have any - laugh their butts off. You are so spastic that you accidentally grab the scissors from the nightstand and poke your own eyes out. This is how masturbating can cause blindness.

It is not true that you can go blind just by masturbation alone, in spite of what your Mother told you. At least I don't think so. I'm pretty sure you can't. 99% sure. Ouch! Somebody moved the damn furniture again!

Do Women Fake Orgasms?

Answer: Not in my experience, no. Unfortunately, your experience may be quite the opposite. In a study conducted by the Harder Faster Institute, it was discovered that all women, universally, were quite skilled at faking orgasm under certain conditions, and what's more, that they were very good at it.

Anthropologically speaking, this may be a defense mechanism due to the woman's need to retain a mate until she finds a better one to replace him with.

For example, your girlfriend/wife/mistress may fake orgasms with you until a handsome doctor comes along, Then it's “Ha, ha, out with the old in with the new.” If she did not fake orgasm, you would begin to feel inferior and possibly leave her before she had a chance to dump you.

Recent polls conducted among your past lovers indicate a fake to real orgasm rate of 10 to 1. This is odd considering you have only had two experiences.

What is a "G" Spot and Where the Heck is It?

Answer: Man has been searching for the “G” spot for hundreds if not thousands of years. Named the “G” spot in 1981 by the German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg, this mythical place has gone by many different names. Ponce de Leon called it the “Fountain of Youth,” while Columbus called it the “New World.” NASA referred to it as “The Moon.” It has also been metaphorically sought after in scores of novels, including James Hilton's classic, Lost Horizon, and was called “Shangri La.” Unfortunately, the “G” spot is a myth and as for where it is, it is here, there, and everywhere...and yet it is nowhere. Now light some incense and leave a dollar on the alter.

That Concludes Our Program

Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen. Remember to leave your questions for Mr. Know-It-All and you just might be one of the lucky ones to have your important question chosen and answered in next weeks column. Thank you for attending, and remember, there are none so misinformed as those who do not seek.


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