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Mr. Know-It-All Answers Your Sex Questions

Updated on May 4, 2009

Who Is This Sage?

Mr. Know-It-All is not a licensed Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Sex Therapist. Instead, he has studied heavily at the School of Life and Hard Knock-Ups. Since 1999, unencumbered by University degrees or Professional certification, he has offered his healing advice on everything from sex education to dog grooming, literally to tens of people. He is proud to offer his services to the men and women of HubPages. If you have a question for Mr. Know-It-All, please leave it in the comment section of this column and if chosen, your question will be answered in next weeks column.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen and Scoundrels and Wacko's, we are proud to introduce...Mr. Know-It-All!   First question, please.

How Important is Foreplay?

Answer: Foreplay before sex is very important. Just as an athlete will stretch and “warm up” before the big game, so too must the lover. This gets the blood going to the muscles and warms and loosens them up, otherwise you could pull something. There are more groins pulled in the bedroom than anywhere else combined.

Here is what I do: Begin by doing some light stretches. Then jog around the bedroom for 5 minutes. Now stretch a little more thoroughly. Good. Now you're warmed up and stretched out, so get going, Bucko, she's not going to wait all day.

Arnold Ziffle - The know-it-all pig.
Arnold Ziffle - The know-it-all pig.

Do Men Really Think With Their Penis'?

Answer: Yes. Yes, they do. Recently, scientists actually found a tiny brain about the size of a snake's brain in one man's penis. They carefully removed the brains from several penis' and transplanted them into the craniums of mice.

In a laboratory test, a maze was set up with a chunk of cheese at one exit and a vagina at the other. In the interest of scientific accuracy, both the cheese and vagina were Swiss. Out of 400 test runs, the mouse chose the exit with the vagina 93% of the time. Curiously, 7% chose the cheese, which appropriately coincides with the estimated homosexual population among males.

Can Masturbating Make You Go Blind?

Answer: Yes. It can happen thusly: You are masturbating. During climax, you start doing all that herky jerky stuff that you always do, the same stuff that makes your lovers – if you have any - laugh their butts off. You are so spastic that you accidentally grab the scissors from the nightstand and poke your own eyes out. This is how masturbating can cause blindness.

It is not true that you can go blind just by masturbation alone, in spite of what your Mother told you. At least I don't think so. I'm pretty sure you can't. 99% sure. Ouch! Somebody moved the damn furniture again!

Do Women Fake Orgasms?

Answer: Not in my experience, no. Unfortunately, your experience may be quite the opposite. In a study conducted by the Harder Faster Institute, it was discovered that all women, universally, were quite skilled at faking orgasm under certain conditions, and what's more, that they were very good at it.

Anthropologically speaking, this may be a defense mechanism due to the woman's need to retain a mate until she finds a better one to replace him with.

For example, your girlfriend/wife/mistress may fake orgasms with you until a handsome doctor comes along, Then it's “Ha, ha, out with the old in with the new.” If she did not fake orgasm, you would begin to feel inferior and possibly leave her before she had a chance to dump you.

Recent polls conducted among your past lovers indicate a fake to real orgasm rate of 10 to 1. This is odd considering you have only had two experiences.

What is a "G" Spot and Where the Heck is It?

Answer: Man has been searching for the “G” spot for hundreds if not thousands of years. Named the “G” spot in 1981 by the German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg, this mythical place has gone by many different names. Ponce de Leon called it the “Fountain of Youth,” while Columbus called it the “New World.” NASA referred to it as “The Moon.” It has also been metaphorically sought after in scores of novels, including James Hilton's classic, Lost Horizon, and was called “Shangri La.” Unfortunately, the “G” spot is a myth and as for where it is, it is here, there, and everywhere...and yet it is nowhere. Now light some incense and leave a dollar on the alter.

That Concludes Our Program

Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen. Remember to leave your questions for Mr. Know-It-All and you just might be one of the lucky ones to have your important question chosen and answered in next weeks column. Thank you for attending, and remember, there are none so misinformed as those who do not seek.

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    • profile image

      wwolfs 5 years ago

      I don't know how I ended up on this hub, but it's really funny!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Twilight Lawns: You're slumming it among my trashier hubs. Actually, I hadn't seen this for almost 2 years. It's kind of funny...in a crass kind of way. Thanks for reading it though. You're a pal.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I've just realised where I was going wrong. I took so many side roads and dead ends; I followed the Primrose Path till it was strewn with plastic flowers; I trod the Road to Perdition (well, actually, I borrowed my little sister's bike, and pedalled along it) till it became the Yellow Brick Road; I even played Doctors and Nurses with Big Bad Brenda at the back of Safeway. I should have come to you first. I can see clearly now, (Sings): Tra-la-la!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Yeah, sure you do. I gave up first. (Not trying to say cause I won, but because I can't win.)

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      Oh you are too clever for me.. I give up :-)))

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      I appreciate your saying that, but no woman would ever cite my name I am sure. Secondly, regarding your claim that you are a virgin, I have heard different, and no man would get and keep a wife who looks like yours by remaining a virgin.

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      Ah, but you wrong me CR! I could not tell a lie, so it could not have been I who placed the question, because I am a virgin.

      Yes, to my shame no woman will even consider having sex with me, because they all say the same thing:

      "You, you poor fish, have no chance because you do not look like that God like male specimen Christoph Reilly".

      And so, I wander the world a broken and horny man praying for some miracle which will change me into even a slight semblance of You.

      So I repeat: YOU ARE MY HERO!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      DeGreek: Obviously, I was referring to the asker of the question which may have been you for all I know, not to myself which would be so absurd that it would fit in a Beckett play. You seem to have had a case of "life transposition," wherein a person - out of embarrassment - substitutes another's life for their own.

      Thanks for the comment. Admitting your shortcoming is the first step in getting help.

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      "This is odd considering you have only had two experiences" As many as that eh? Wow! You are my Hero!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Iphie: I have been spying your "100 Sexual Positions" hub out of the corner of my eye for days now. Was going to go see it but didn't want to scare you with my following you around! Ha! I should love to offer any advice - or rather, Dr. Know-It-All I'm sure would love to help - so just say the word. Thanks for reading this, by the way!

    • profile image

      Iphigenia 8 years ago

      Well how's about this for mutual admiration - you loved my ghost story I love your serious and sage explanations of embarrassing sexual issues.

      It's quite obvious that all of the other commentators have not takien this seriously - I can't actually see what they find funny.

      I may call upon your expertise when I write up my research for my upcoming 100 sexual positions hubs as promised in my current hub "1oo Hundred Sexual Positions in 30 Days" which started as a simple antidote to the HubChallenge but which has taken on a life of it's own.

      :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Sailaway: That is exactly the point. Nobody knows where it (the g-spot) is. Discoverers have searched throughout the ages. You raise an interesting point however; perhaps the government knows where it is but is "covering it up." Why would the government do this? Simple, there would be mass hysteria and rampant pleasurable activities. It would be difficult to get anyone to go to work, and that can be disastrous for a society.

      Thanks for coming by. Welcome to HubPages! Who recommended you read my work? Anyway, I appreciate it. Good luck!

    • Sailaway profile image

      Sailaway 8 years ago from Australia

      Oh yes! haha, i joined today, and was immediately recommended to come and read your work. I think I might play a few games in B grade before I can step up to this quality. So to complete my education...are you suggesting the "g"spot is somewhere in the nevada desert? If the hubble scope cant find that baby, it must be a Government conspiracy!!!!

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Jayb: Thhanks for coming by. Glad you found it enjoyable. Thanks for the comment!

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      jayb23 8 years ago from India

      Hhahahhaa...i couldn't stop laughing. It was pleasure reading your hub as well as the comments. Cheers

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Candie V: Thanks for tuning in. Glad I was able to make you laugh. A appreciate your comment!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 8 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      As Dr. Ruth once said "Some men lean to the left, some men lean to the right, and Dr. Ruth says it's ok." Dr. Ruth didn't say it was great, or wonderful, or that's what you want to own.. just ok. thanks for making me laugh!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      So good to see you CW, don't forget us, we luv you :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      What she said!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Wow CW, so gr8 to see you here. Please stick around, we have missed you loads :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Dear Ms. Lindagoffigan: That was exactly the thinking of the scientists involved in the experiment. If you have a better way of insuring impartiality, I'm sure they would like to hear it. You can tell me and I'll tell them.

      I does not escape my notice that you are an attractive woman. I'm sure your lovers share my enthusiasm, and are accustomed to getting on again and getting goffigin. Thanks for the comment!

      (Note: The editor of this hub wishes to apologise for the previous comment.)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      OK Countrywomen: I'll take it easy on ya. Mighty Mom made me do it, and while I can promise I won't tease you anymore, I can't make any such promises on behalf of Mighty Mom.

      Hubber 2009: No. Nothing is wrong. In fact, Adsense is so enthralled with me and this hub, that they are simply waiting for the exact moment to spring a new, worldwide adsense campaign featuring this hub! Isn't that exciting? Thank you for your concern though. Look for their new program which they are calling, Mr. Know-It-All-Knows-Adsense!

    • lindagoffigan profile image

      lindagoffigan 8 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I am a little concerned about the swiss mouse pairing with the swiss cheese. Does the ties that bind has to be the same in the experiment for accuracy.

      Fun hub as always.

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      hubber-2009 8 years ago from India

      I wonder why Google Adsense is missing in this page? anything wrong?

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      MM/Christoph- You guys really are putting so many words in my mouth (which I didn't even imagine) and now making me too shy to even reply. Anyway earlier my life was revolving around very few friends but after marriage my husband's extended circle of friends/colleagues tend to take up a lot of time. Either we are invited for parties/get together/dinners or we end up inviting and coming to writing a hub then let me see what all I can come up without mentioning too much about our private lives in a public arena....hehe.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Gypsy: um...no thanks. Mr. Know-It-All respectfully declines. He prefers his...that kind of hair...where it belongs, and not on his feet and climbing up his legs.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Gypsy: I don't personally, and I don't know anyone who does, but I could be mistaken. You're not talking about that yarn that's actually made from cat hair, are you?

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 8 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      Have you read my knitting hub? I shall commence to knit you a pair of tube socks in very hairy yarn.I think Americans prefer that kind. XXL is that correct?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      CW: Well, your husband my want you to be "Frank," but I prefer you as countrywomen. As the kids say, "Homey don't play that!"

      I agree with MM's saying you should write on these matters of interest.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      MM: I'm assuming you are aware the usage of this term "pull up my socks" to indicate getting to work on something, much as we use the term of putting one's nose to the grindstone. You are right, however, to flag this term and is possible bedroom meaning. I hypothisize that that Cw's husband like her to wear two-toned saddle shoes, bobbi sox and dress like a cheerleader. He then like to see her "pull up her socks," as this neccessitates her bending over in front of him. This is, I'm sure, as far as they take this activity, what with her being so prim and proper.

      Now, when she wrote, "I have been...getting on/off the forums," I'm sorry she didn't write, "I have been...getting off/on the forums." Then I would really have something to comment on!

      Thank you, as always, for your astute question.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Hey dear CW! Why don't you pull on your big girl panties (one of my fave expressions) and write us a hub about this wild married life you are living! What do you cook? Who are these new social friends? I am serious. It is not often that one of "us" gets married and has the opportunity to write about the experience:-). hehe. MM

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      MM- Now I wasn't talking in a double entendre (and have to search for the Aunt Jemima and not make my ignorance official)..hehe. PS: I will visit your hub too. I have bookmarked all the hubs of my favorite authors whom I would like to visit and the sock-pulling was mentioned in that context. :D

      Christoph- I guess I have become more vocal and have lesser qualms about speaking my mind these days (and my husband prefers me to be frank too). :-)

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Is it me, or does the visual of Countrywoman cooking and socializing less so she can "pull up her socks" seem out of place on a hub of sex questions? Or maybe, like "gerbilling" or "Aunt Jemima-ing" this reference to sock-pulling has some bedroom meaning I am ignorant of? Please advise.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      CW: Ha, ha! Married life has turned you into a wild woman! Ha! I don't think so. You're still the same sweet Countrywomen!

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      I am being "wild" is it. I guess I transformed from mild to wild..LOL

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      muley84: Thanks much for the comment! Nice to meet you!

    • muley84 profile image

      Michael A Muehleisen 8 years ago from Miami,FL

      Hi Christoph, you are a very funny fellow. I think I'll take notes.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Countrywomen: I know..You must go where you are needed the most amongst the wilds of HubPages. It is your calling...your destiny. I appreciate your time in coming by to say hello to me. Thanks!

      Ag: In countrywomen's case...for sure!

    • profile image

      hairy A.S.S. 8 years ago

      countrywomen don't forget that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. G'day mate , ;-[)

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Christoph- I have been reading lesser hubs and just getting on/off the forums. I know I know that I have been a slacker and need to pull up my socks. I miss you all a lot (nowadays I got to cook for the two of us and more ever now a new set of friends has left me with lesser personal time).

      PS: I am trying to catchup with all my favorite friends (hopefully over this weekend). :D

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I.T. Small:  Thanks.  I'd like to include you in my New England Journal of Medicine paper.

      Countrywomen:  Thank you, stranger!  So nice to see you!  Ahhh. I feel better!

       

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      WOW!! This is a very bold hub. I must say your "warm up" routine really had me smiling. Regarding "false" satisfactions the movie where Meg Ryan fakes in a restaurent came to my mind. Thumbs up.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      I'll try that and get back to you. Thanks, Mr. Know it All.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Mr. Shadesbreath: it comes as no surprise that your significant other cannot stay focused, since 4 or 5 minutes is an extremely long time to engage in sex, as any man will tell you. I think your partner suffers from ADD (Attention Dick Disorder.) But hey, they make a pill for that. Try slipping some Ritalin in her pre-sex cocktail. That should help her stay focused.

      Ag: As the undisputed monitor of this hub, you have my permission to speak your piece.

    • profile image

      hairy A.S.S. 8 years ago

      Strewth did someone ear mention sausage casings........hmmmm what . Oh I can't say that Ag. Someone might complain. oh ok.

      But wouldn't that be sexual disk crim in nation. ?

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Dear Mr. Know it All:

      My relationship suffers from a lack of creativity. I have already tried all the obvious things that most couples do, like gerbil stuffing, toasters, blenders, gravel insertion, and, most recently, bringing in pinecones and peanutbutter. With all of these standard tricks exhausted, I've suggested less conventional things, but, she's just not into it (barbed wire and hot sauce was a total miss, and, wow, whoever wrote that article on the joys of battery acid as lubricant needs to rethink that seriously).

      I read several sex therapy books and took a two week Tantric seminar from the Pygmy master in Botswana and can now boast endurance reaching into the high fours and even as much as five minutes per encounter, so she clearly has no reason to blame me. I'm really at a loss, please advise.

      Thanks in advance,

      I. T. Smalle

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Paper Moon: Probably not. I'm pretty sure somebody ate it.

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      Paper Moon 8 years ago from In the clouds

      Hmmm, sausage casing? What did happen to cindyvine's sausage anyways? Never mind, I may not want to know!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Paper Moon:  The term "Aunt Jamima treatment" comes from the Bill Murray movie, Stripes.  In the movie, the girl he likes (an M.P.) sits on the counter top.  Murray removes a spatula from the drawer and proceed to slide it under her bottom and various nether regions, all the time saying, "Aunt Jamima treatment, Aunt Jamima treatment."  Now, being a progressive society, it has envolved.  It actually involves one party sitting in a giant, hot iron skillet while the other powders her with pancake mix and syrup, and then trying to actually flip him or her with a large spatula.  Thank you for your question.

      Gypsy:  My, my, aren't you the nosey one.  Mr. Know-It-All considers that info a bit too personal to disclose (however, he wears 14 1/2 double wide shoes.)  Why?  Does that mean something?

      Ag:  American, of course.  Don't you Aussies just use sheep intestines - something like a sausage casing?

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 8 years ago from In the clouds

      As I hear tell from the ladies, the worth is in the girth :O

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Now would that be American Condoms or Aussie Condoms.

      You must take into account that the American condom is only worth three quarters of one Aussie Condom at the moment. Or did I get that backwards so to speak ?

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 8 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      PS I never did see you record your shoe size, or did you????

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 8 years ago from In the clouds

      Mr. Know-It-All, I am in desperate need. Exactly what is the aunt Jemima treatment. I have a new spatula and need to figure this out quickly! Thank you in advance from a frustrated chef. :O

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Gypsy Willow: Thanks so much. Glad you came by and took the time to leave a comment. Did you say you read the comments? Wow. There have been some interesting happenings on this hub. Thanks again!

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 8 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      How can I add anything to this discussion it has taken nearly an hour to read all the comments which were ALMOST as funny as your hub. I especially liked the bit about going behind ones back...or did I read it out of context. Good laugh, Thanks Mr Reilly!!!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ag: Yes, that is a good idea. I'll pass it on to Ms. Roberson. I should add it should be a new, unused feather duster. If you have enough feather dusters, she could do a "fan dance."

      Yes, please leave your invoice at the office. I pay in condoms.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Ignoring she who must get in the last word. Mr no to all , as your reluctant back room advisor. ( you being the reluctant one ) I would suggest an am end um to your reply to the baster consultation with that hawt Pam. She might like to try a feather duster. I find that works. I mean I've heard anectdotely that it works VERY well.

      I will leave my invoice at the Hubpage front orifice.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Whitney: My gosh, how nice to see you. Glad you read it and took the time to leave a comment. Thanks!

      Writer: That's all fine and good, but maybe you should explain it to her.

    • profile image

      Writer Rider 8 years ago

      Countrywomen did say something mean but that, I believe, was in response to something I said on BardofEly's hub about a certain group of islands in the pacific potentially being the ancestors of Indians. Maybe she assumed (falsely) that I was suggesting that Indians are uncivilized...on the contrary. We are all related and the more advanced a country, in my opinon, the younger the civilzation is. According to liguistics there's a pattern that proves this...that the Indian language is related to all European languages except Finish. And if you notice, the further West of China you get, the more cursive and away from a logogram language you get. We are all related.

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      Whitney 8 years ago from Georgia

      Great laugh... Definitely meant to read read this sooner but I log in before I click it. Today I tabbed over and did both. Glad I finally got to read the real answers.. :-p

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ms. Roberson: I am very much looking forward to the pineapple ring game. And that thing you once suggested with the salt water taffy and a circus pony sounds like lots of fun too.

      (It's you who are funny. When you first said "meat thermometer" I lauged out loud!)

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      I can't thank you enough for jumping right on me and giving such insightful and experienced advice (along with a very spirited willingness to allow me to experiment on you). You're marvelous, and I'll recommend you to all my friends! Oh, and I'll call you the next time I bake a ham! Pineapple rings make for an interesting game. :D

      (I have to tell you that I'm rolling with laughter over your comment! Hysterical!)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Dear Ms. Roberson: As one of my best clients, I am only happy to jump right on you and answer your question immediately. I feel sad for your lover. Everyone knows a basting brush in the bedroom can be utilized in a wide variety of applications, whether spreading scented, edible oils or simpy as a tickler. Likewise, salad tongs are excellent for handling sausages. Personally, I adored the things you did with these two utensils. They were like magic in your capable hands. (And just between you and me, the meat thermometer wasn't THAT bad. And 99.9 degrees! Woo, that's HOT! You could have stuck a fork in me, because I was WELL DONE!)

      As for what to do with your reticent (frightened) and cautious (chicken shit) lover, please refer the the section above...Faking Orgasms.

      Thank you.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      **Pam enters in a huffy whirlwind of indignance** (borrowed from MM)

      I'll have no more of this horrible drivel in or around this brilliant and hysterical hub any longer! Do as the wise ones suggest and take supposed insults straight to the people involved and allow Mr. Know-it-all to help us with our sex problems.

      Now, Mr. Know-it-all, I have an urgent problem. My lover and I are having a heated argument over whether or not it's appropriate to use salad tongs and a basting brush in the bedroom. I think they make handy tools in the kitchen or the bedroom. It's not like I want to use a meat thermometer on him or anything. What do you think?

      Thanks in advance!

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      M.M. You would definitely qualify on the "Wallenda" level. If you don't have telephone poles in the back yard, the electricity poles will do.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Now, about that trapeze question....???

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Misty: Agreed.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Gosh, just when I thought peace had been restored we now have to defend poor Countrywoman too. Just for the record, in my own experience Countrywoman is probably the kindest and gentlest soul here on hubpages, and I for one am proud to call her my friend.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Frieda: Thanks for calling into the show today. That's a good question. Where you hang the trapese is dependant on your trapese experience and skill level. A beginner should hang it directly above the bed. The bed can then serve as a safty device for when you're hanging upside down and singing the Singing Nun song. If your last name is Wallenda, you can hang the trapese out in the back yard on top of a telephone pole. I hope that helps...and thanks for calling.

    • Frieda Babbley profile image

      Frieda Babbley 8 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

      So back to the topic at hand. I'm here to speak with Mr. Know it All. How do you know when you should purchase a trapeze, and once you do, where exactly do you put it? Thanks, I'll take my comment off the air. (clears throat, hangs up phone, giggles with excitement)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      What's this? I guess you left the Countrywoman remark while I was answering your previous comment. Gawd, why can't you just leave well enough alone? I can't imagine Countrywoman did anything to you. Possibly you have imagined it. I know well how that works. Countrywomen is well respected here. She is known by all for her selfless caring. I seriously have to question your statement.

      And why bring it up here? MM merely mentioned her name and you pounced on the opportunity to bad mouth her. She happens to be a good friend of mine (I think she is good friends with everybody). Again, if you have a problem with her please bring it to her attention - to her face. Not here on my hub behind her back, when she has nothing to do with this. I already had to delete your comment to 2C's - you managed to insult him even as you apologised.

      You've been around here for a while and should know better than to go around bad mouthing writers behind their backs.

      Hi Ag: Couldn't agree more. I'm sure Countrywomen would be as baffled as I was.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Well I reckon fair suck of the sauce bottle , just hold on there one minute, back up the truck. Which ever way you wanna say it.

      Chris I gotta say this mate. I agree with what MM says to the nth degree , about countrywomen and yourself.

      I have checked the comments above, and I cannot even see a comment from countrwomen on this Hub.

      So methinks that perhaps, her on her high horse, should reconsider her last statement. Sorry to carry this on ,but I do not think it fair to see countrywomen's reputation sullied like that.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Now wait a minute, Writer Rider. Did I read correctly? You feel that Countrywomen insulted you? Once again, I feel compelled to enlighten (if not correct you). That surprises me even more than CR insulting you.

      If you follow in CW's footsteps around HP you will see that she is kind and sweet and positive. I cannot think of a single negative (or even neutral) comment she has ever made. She seems to live to make others feel good, with no ego of her own. I find it very difficult, indeed, to believe thse CWwould insult you when you didn't say anything "to or about her" as you say.

      What I find quite amazing is that there are a number of pretty hard-core hubbers here. They don't mince words and they don't really care about hurting people's feelings. They call it like they see it. But Christoph Reilly and Countrywomen are NOT like that. Not a bit.

      Again I say, peace out. And I hope you will focus on the positives here on HP. There are many!!

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Writer. No problem. I deleted your comment to 2C's. You should take that up with him. He won't be back here to see it. Thanks.

      MM: Thank you for everything. You filled in for Country Women with exceptional style, wisdom, and skill. Thank you for that!

    • profile image

      Writer Rider 8 years ago

      Well, I don't know. Countrywomen insulted me when I didn't say anything to or about her, but whatever. Water under the bridge. Peace out.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Kumbaya, everybody!

      So it's now May 6th (still, where I live), the day AFTER Cinco de Mayo. What playground is everybody hanging on tonight -- NOT throwing sand, or margarita salt, I hope!

      WR -- I am honored you reread and reconsidered. This kind of mediation is usually Countrywomen's job, but I haven't seen her around these parts.

      Peace, out!

    • profile image

      Writer Rider 8 years ago

      2c's: Still a little crass man, though no more crass than what a lot of dudes tend to say. Sorry for coming down hard on you.

    • profile image

      Writer Rider 8 years ago

      Thanks Mighty Mom. I appreciate your objective, kind response and yes I misread the comments. I'll take your word on Christoph.

      Thanks Christoph for being a gentleman!

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      kbdunn: Thank you very much, for coming by and your astute comment. It is appreciated!

      Sheena: My, my, what a sweet thing to say. It is you, of course, that brightens up HubPages with your lovely presence. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. You are truly an inspitation!

      LAmatadora: Thank you. I appreciate your comment!

    • profile image

      LAmatadora 8 years ago

      hell yeah this is too good to miss!

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Why do I like this hub very much? I just can't get enough. It's like watching a commedy movie and then just when you thought its about to say "The End," here comes the most exciting part and you call it "comments." Lovely, I am just impress how this hub made us all ONE. For you CR, a thousand times over!

    • kbdunn profile image

      kbdunn 8 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Read it over and over. Hilarious :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Well, if you think of it come on back!

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 8 years ago from In the clouds

      Came in for another peek. Wow, I missed all of the excitement. Well, actually the hub and the first part of the comments were exciting, what I missed was all of the commotion. But alas it has ended. And now I have forgotten my question. Der uhhh. Hmmm.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Good night, Sheena.

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I am off for tonight... It's home time for me... be back tomorrow.

      love yah, CR! Good night!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      hairy A.S.S.: The time difference between us yesterday was the culprit, for this went on all day, starting in the morn. Ya shoulda been here, Ag....er....Hairy. I'm still not sure what was the germination of the problem.

      For getting on the wrong side of the bed, have a nice, spicey Bloody Mary or Chelada. Then it becomes the right side of the bed.

      C.C. Yeah. Hubpages is all confused. The score has dropped 10 points. It will catch up today, I think, and shoot back up even higher.

      Sheena: Good Morning! It's going fine, Sheena. How goes it with you!

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      then, I have to be here to see how it's all going. How is it?

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      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      What a hawg of a hub. 300+ comments! takes forever to load. haha Dr. Know is pretty hawt!

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      hairy A.S.S. 8 years ago

      Geez Christoph trust you to go spoiling all the fun. I just pulled up a chair with the chips and coke? and getting ready for the stouch.

      Just to stir the pot a bit. What would Mr.knowitall recommend for someone who may just have got out of bed on the wrong day, er.....sorry, side. ?

      btw, I thought your new best friend Ride a Writer was a tad churlish towards Gwendymom.

      (mate do what you please with this comment it's all yours.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I was off working, may.

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 8 years ago from North Carolina

      Where the hell is everybody?!

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 8 years ago from North Carolina

      I need some bodyguards, gay guys, girlfriends, volunteers in the audience, you name it!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      LAmatadora: I loooove Cinqo de Mayo! Pass the Patron! Aribe, aribe!

      shennearrrrrrrobins!

      Mayhmong: Sure May. Hey, listen up, people! I volunteer all of you folks to Mays jerry Springer forum! Woot!

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 8 years ago from North Carolina

      Yo CR!

      Think you can help volunteer some folks to my forum of the Jerry Springer show for the fun of it! I know everyone must be tired of boiling their asses over nothing.

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I know, I know! heheheh. I like LAmatadora! I can hear th sound of RRRRRRRRRRR in your Ariba!

    • profile image

      LAmatadora 8 years ago

      I am here...faded and elated off of Patron so where's the party??? HAPPY CINCo DE MAYO....Arrrrrriiiiiibbbbbbaaaaa!!!! ay ay ay ya

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Tom: It's been happenin all day!

      Sheena: You're not really shooed. You know that.

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Bummer! Just as I was getting excited and comfortable all together, you shoo me. :)

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      Ok, here I am. Where's the party? Where'd everybody go?