My Almost Suicide

My Almost Suicide

by Chuck RitenouR

In April of 2002, I attempted to take my own life. I had lost the love of my life and simply did not wish to continue living. I believe everyone and anyone has the right to chose life or ending life. Fortunately, I was not very efficient. I had decided to use a combination of sleeping pills and other meds which surely to my way of thinking would get the job done. I took about two dozen tablets and chased them with a bottle of Patron tequila. If its your last bottle of tequila, it should be your favorite. I drank the bottle in about 30 minutes and became very tired and managed to stagger to my bed. I noticed it was 11:20 PM by the little alarm clock on the night stand by my bed. It was the last thing I would remember until 12:30 AM.

I was hovering above my body and looking down on myself as I lay there unconscious. I heard a voice say softly, "You are not finished." Then, I heard a loud snap as if my chest had split in two. I sat straight up in bed and looked over at the alarm clock. It was 12:30AM. I was no longer drunk nor feeling the effects of the pills.The minute I opened my eyes, I was completely sober. I got up and walked down the hall to my bath room and washed my face with cold tap water. I spent the rest of the night thinking about what had just transpired. I could find no answers only questions.

What just happened? Who's voice did I hear? Why am I still alive? Did I die and return? Why after such a short time was I no longer intoxicated? At times, these questions rumble through my mind like a runaway freight train. I look back on my life since that night and see the change it brought.

I began writing songs, poetry and keeping a journal again. I no longer concentrated on the future and began living one day at a time. Actually, it would be more correct to say I began living every day like it was my last day. I started practicing random acts of kindness, doing things without any thought of reward. Believe me when I say this was not my natural state of existence prior to that 12:30 AM awakening.

It has been eight years and some months since that night. Tonight, I find myself sleepless once again. I am compelled to write about something that had remained hidden deep within, hidden from my family, hidden from my friends and hidden from you. Tonight, I exorcise yet another of my personal demons, "My Almost Suicide".

the end or is it the beginning.