My Final "Good Bye"
A Final Note
My Dearest Sweet One,
Even though you were not born to me, I fell in love with you the second I looked into your sky blue eyes. Your face was framed by blonde curly locks of hair, framing your joyful grin. Your tiny fingers gripped around my thumb in a tight embrace. Your skin was that of an angel’s – soft, delicate, pink and glowing. I will never forget how you gazed into my eyes, trusting, believing, and already loving me unconditionally. We fell in love with each other.
When you came home, you were bundled up in a soft, blue sateen blanket. Your eyes were closed as you slept soundly. Your brothers and sister were ecstatic when we opened the door and brought you home. I was sure all the noise and excitement would wake you. I asked them all to be quiet, to slow down, and to be careful but they were children too, and how could they? They were beyond excited when their baby brother came home. It was a joyous occasion and we all celebrated.
Finally, you woke, not because of the noise, but because you were hungry. Everyone was mesmerized by your beautiful eyes, your curls swaying this way and that as were you held by each of them. You were surrounded by love.
Time passes so quickly. You learned to recognize each of your loved ones faces, answer to each of their voices and laugh when they played and tickled you. You reached milestone after milestone. The first time you giggled. The first time you tasted pureed peaches. The first time you uttered da-da. The first time you sat up on your own. So many firsts and all accomplished with unfettered confidence.
You loved to play. Music was your favourite. You would dance as you jumped in the Jolly Jumper. You would clap your hands to the rhythm. When you were upset, all I had to do was sing a song and you would calm down immediately.
Before long, you were crawling, walking and then running. It was always a game of catch up with you as you were always running. Your feet barely touched the ground. I never understood why you were in such a hurry. But you were. You were excited to experience everything that you could. I understand now.
With the blink of an eye, your first birthday turned to second, third, fourth and, not too long ago, seventh. Throughout the years, you have had many more firsts. And I am unable how to express how it feels to have been part of them. My heart soared when I coached your first year in soccer. You were a strong player and always persistent. You weren’t afraid, as you are now. You loved school, your teachers, your friends. Every day you came home excited with another story to share.
I wish I listened more. I wish I listened carefully. I wish I recorded everything you did. I wish, I wish. That is how I feel. I can’t help wonder if I did a good job raising you and being there for you. Sometimes I wonder if I had been careful enough about cleaning your scraped knee or holding you long enough during your fever, been more compassionate when you had a nightmare for another 100th night in a row. I hope I have done a good job of being your mother. I hope you forgive me for the times I have been too tired, too stretched to give you more attention, too rushed to slow down, too busy with your siblings to stop and give you more time.
I know that the answer lies in my own heart. I believe I have done the best job of being your mother that I possibly could. I cannot have regrets for what I have not done, for I am only human with limited capacities. I have always done what, I believe, was in your best interest. I still feel that way.
Even so, saying good bye is no easy task. I pray to God that you carry a piece of my heart with you on your next journey. I pray that what I have given you will be enough to carry you through. I carry a piece of you in my heart. I pray that it will be enough to carry me through the dark times ahead. I pray that we have more than a few hours together. I have so much to say and to show you. We haven’t even finished decorating our home for Halloween. We need more time, please. I have so much love for you that I can’t give it all to you in such a short period of time. Please, a few more weeks, that’s all I ask. Please.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I write this as I know that our time left together is very short. My heart is breaking and a hole is beginning to form. I know that the time is nearing, the bigger the hole, the closer it comes. I have no idea how I will fill it when you are gone. The pain is already too great and my mind can’t accept the final outcome. I pray that you will be safe, as I know you will be as God will care for you.
Every second is a sacred second. I don’t want to waste one of them, but night has fallen and you must rest. I will sit by your side, hold your hand and wipe your tears. Angels will carry you to sweeter dreams.
I love you, my Sweet One.
October 28, 2009