My Laundry Views Have Exploded

Evidently numerous well-meaning world citizens across cyberspace prefer my laundry-based articles. Such Internet activity makes me happy. I'm here to help all of us.

Enough about me: let's talk about my articles. When you do online, open the Google, and search for laundry-based information, do my articles pop up? Am I in the Top 10 search results for such popular phrases such as:

• "The Importance of Doing Laundry", and
• "Fun Facts about your Washing Machine."

Indeed, our world needs to use less energy unless it's the renewable type and it doesn't occlude the view of rich people or kill any noble birds. Other than that, I'm all for wind-power powering my Maytag. Hopefully you see it the same way.

Many of my unmentionables, once white, turn dingy shades of off-white after repeated washings. Faithfully I deploy Earth-friendly detergents made from the smiles of free-range monarch butterflies and packed in self-recycling packages that I carry home in unbleached organic grocery bags tucked neatly into my Lexus hybrid. All the way home I listen to Garrison Keillor on a radio powered by energy reclaimed from burning copies of The Art of the Deal. It's all good but were I to engage in an accident the fire department would surely be horrified by my less than clean underwear. I can't wait for an autonomous fire truck to arrive at my wreck so only robots share my shame.

Given that my clothes tumbled for 2 hours and remained soggy, I thought it was time. The old dryer I took apart and stared unknowingly into the innards, but that didn't fix it. Nice men hauled away the pieces, leaving me with model GTD4EASJWW from General Electric. I hooked up the exhaust ducting because I can. I also plugged it in.

Now my clothes dry. I remove them from the stainless steel drum to find them toasty and mostly lint-free. I think the front-loader works well for my needs. A bottom loader seemed neat at the appliance store but my critical thinking kicked in before regrettable decisions were decided.

If I have one complaint, it's the timid nature of the buzzer. My dryer sits in the basement because there's no exhaust port in the bedroom. When the buzzer goes off I don't know it went off. If I was a GE electric clothes dryer engineer I'd engineer in more decibels. The high volume setting rivals the low volume setting for hear-ability.

Keep your clothes clean and you will save the Earth. If your clothes remain dirty, you will find yourself shunned by other Earthlings. You will smell bad and possibly badly as well. Eventually you will forfeit employment. Forced to join the swelling ranks of welfare recipients, you will be. Your only friends will be your EBT card and that sketchy Uber driver who accepts shiny stones as payment. And that guy is hardly ever going your way.

Absolutely nothing, except cleansing your clothes. It's a lousy aquarium and you can't store zombie apocalypse emergency food in it because that's the first place they'll look. All you can do is go with the flow. Temporarily store dirty clothes in it. Remove them frequently and replace with other dirty clothes, hopefully grouped according to color, fabric, and proclivity for fashion. I know I do.

Samsung finds itself hamstrung by exploding smartphones that were not intended to do such. Washers seem to follow suit.

Your part in this reality series is to stay clean while using as little energy as possible. Don't find yourself down by the creek beating your corduroy suit on a rock as the world passes you by. Keep your washer and dryer in good working order. Optimize wattage consumption while taking maximum advantage of opportunities to preserve what nature we have left. Nature will thank you and the bloke standing behind you at Arby's will be grateful. I join them in congratulating you on your thoughtfulness toward this mortal coil. Surely you'd do the same for me.