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My Life A Mess

Updated on November 13, 2018
Paul Balagtas profile image

Paul is an Engineer. A graduate from a Catholic University. A rebel and a romantic...

Nobody will miss me when I die
So give me that gun and let me try
To shoot it at my head and then see
If blood will gush out and form a sea
That will drown all memories and fears
That will swallow fake laughter and tears
That I have collected all these years.

I don’t care if it is true or false
But I don’t expect anymore calls
From people who are faking concern
I hate myself because I don’t learn
Seems like respect I will never earn.

Thank you…My life is a big big mess
Call the catholic priest who will bless
This room…my cage…Then anoint my head
With that untrue chrism filled with lead
This poison so sweet because I’m dead
Thank you…Now I can sleep with out dread.

© 2018 Paul Balagtas

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    • Paul Balagtas profile imageAUTHOR

      Paul Balagtas 

      4 weeks ago from Philippines

      You should get back Adam :) ... It is always nice to go near a fire place of faith...I was jumping from church to church for 9 months until someone approached me and took that task of discipling me....

    • AdamMason113 profile image

      Adam Mason 

      4 weeks ago from Melbourne, Australia

      Thats great to hear. Isolation is the worst thing for someone when they are depressed. Always reach out, I need to get myself back to Church haha

    • PoetikalyAnointed profile image

      PoetikalyAnointed 

      4 weeks ago from US

      Amen and God Bless.

    • Paul Balagtas profile imageAUTHOR

      Paul Balagtas 

      4 weeks ago from Philippines

      Hi Poetikaly Annointed. Thank you for your message. I realize that I listened to the wrong voices at that time when I tried ending it all. God will never tell me that I am worthless, insufficient, and unloved. It was at that moment that I realized that there is an emptiness in me that I refuse to allow God to fill. Now, each verse I am reading has a stronger meaning to my life.... I hope some soul out there allows the Holy Spirit to take over him before doing something that may echo negatively for eternity....

    • Paul Balagtas profile imageAUTHOR

      Paul Balagtas 

      4 weeks ago from Philippines

      Thanks for the message Adam. I'll check out DBT. Indeed, I am in a better situation now. I know belong to a cell group in a church and meeting regularly with fellow Christians. Looking forward to seeing God's work each day....

    • AdamMason113 profile image

      Adam Mason 

      4 weeks ago from Melbourne, Australia

      You are so worth it. I'm enrolled in DBT "Dialectic Behavioural Therapy"

      It's changing my life. There is a mindfulness aspect to the therapy but It's just great. I hope you are in a better place now :)

    • PoetikalyAnointed profile image

      PoetikalyAnointed 

      4 weeks ago from US

      Oh Paul, God Bless you! I Thank you for being brave enough to post this because you might've just saved another life! Thank God that you had a change of heart and you are still here.

      Don't ever forget that YOU are worthy of God's Love and whenever you are hurting so badly, please call on him!

    • Paul Balagtas profile imageAUTHOR

      Paul Balagtas 

      4 weeks ago from Philippines

      Welcome, Mr. Santiago. I was hesitant to share this. But I somehow felt other can learn something about it-- maybe make them check if a loved one is going through some painful experience.

    • Santiago Altriaga profile image

      Santiago Altriaga 

      4 weeks ago from Caracas, Venezuela

      Thanks for sharing Paul, greetings.

    • Paul Balagtas profile imageAUTHOR

      Paul Balagtas 

      4 weeks ago from Philippines

      Thanks John. It was written years ago intended to be posted when I finally raise the white flag. What stopped me from jumping off the bridge is not fear but hope....That a year later things will be better....And it is getting better.... Writing helped really... I actually wrote the poems I posted here during those period.... I was hesitant to post this but this is part of my journey and perhaps when read together with other things I have written, a soul can relate and hope to have as well that journey from darkness to light....genesis to babylon to revelation...

      My attempt to end it all happened Feb 15...My birthday Nov 15....Nine months apart...It's like I went through a process to be born...again...

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 weeks ago from Queensland Australia

      Paul, thank you for sharing this poignant poem/suicide note. I am so glad you decided against it and are in a better place now.

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