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My Thoughts IX

Updated on June 25, 2012

Note: This is another journal entry from four years ago. I always like looking at my past, to see where I have been, remember lessons I have learned, experiences and such. It is incredible sometimes how much can change in a very short period of time. It is all in our thoughts ...

Within the last year, I heard a Native American elder say something along the lines that we have to learn to live with our past and not in the past. I think those were some very wise words.

June 23, ’08

I was thinking how the ultimate happiness in this life will be to blow my brains out when the time comes. And I would like to be in a forest where scavengers could at least get a meal out of me. That would be an ugly sight but life is not all pretty and even ugly is beautiful.

I haven’t written in so long … struggling and so I’m writing. I always try to write when I am struggling (hardly ever happens). I have told myself a long time ago that I wouldn't let the pressures of society, those of age and class to affect me but they do. I have friends not much older than me with kids; by my age my sister already had three kids.

While I am still living ‘la vida loca’, I am hearing my close friends (which are the same age as me) talking about marriage and the likes . . . scary shit for me! I can’t even begin thinking about a relationship never mind marriage. My life is still so unpredictable and chaotic that I can’t make any long term commitments. Not that I wanna make any. I think that’s the part that maybe worries me . . . I have no interest in ‘settling’ down. Blah …

“Did I keep it gangsta or keep it classy”? – Nas. That’s the question …

Thank you Nas … you helped me so much. You are helping me right now. “Coke on the stove … I’m not going back to.”


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    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Hello Kallini,

      I think what You said about looking back at some journal entries and thinking; "Are You nuts?" is what I think myself many times. For me it helps to see that I have been through rough times, that I have made it through and with that in mind, I can now be Mr. Happy and know that I can overcome other obstacles which I may encounter in Life.

      I do love journal entries for that reason: I look at past worries and laugh therefore, any worries I may have now, I suddenly realize that they are nothing to worry about - if that makes sense ... I think it does, haha!!

      Thank You for stopping-by. All the very best!

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Cheers Mr. Williams and thank You again for the inspiring words! : )

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Honestly, I hope you don't blow your brains out - scavengers have their food.

      I like going back to my journal entries from the past and the general conclusion that I normally have is "Are you nuts?" Or it was so insignificant - of course, knowing what would happen later. You think I would learn my lesson and stop worrying to much about mundane things....

      So, what do you think about your entry NOW?

    • profile image

      Hubert Williams 5 years ago

      Glad to hear of the laughter. I love it when people laugh.

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Greetings Mr. Williams,

      I had a good laugh at "Hang on tight, it gets rougher." That's awesome! Sort of like: "You haven't seen nothing yet!" - I like these sayings, it encourages one to keep going. Thank You!

      And yes, 2008 was not the greatest year I suppose but it has been a learning lessons so, I cannot complain too much. : )

      All the best!

    • profile image

      Hubert Williams 5 years ago

      Sounds like 2008 sucked for you. I hope that brain game with the gun is long gone. Hang on tight, it gets rougher.

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      "Don't let the buggers grind you down", is great advice Mr. Alancaster. I was going through some tough times four years ago but I was able to overcome that chapter of my life. It is quite tough when we let the expectations of others rule our lives. The pressure becomes almost too much to bear at times.

      I am happy (and lucky) that I was able to swim through those dark waters.

      Many thanks for the read and for taking the time to leave me a comment. Cheers!

    • alancaster149 profile image

      Alan R Lancaster 5 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      You need to put the brakes on your life, stand back, take a long look and grab hold of the reins. Life's better when you're in charge! Interesting perspective, but like the man said:

      'Don't let the buggers grind you down!'