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My Thoughts IX
Note: This is another journal entry from four years ago. I always like looking at my past, to see where I have been, remember lessons I have learned, experiences and such. It is incredible sometimes how much can change in a very short period of time. It is all in our thoughts ...
Within the last year, I heard a Native American elder say something along the lines that we have to learn to live with our past and not in the past. I think those were some very wise words.
June 23, ’08
I was thinking how the ultimate happiness in this life will be to blow my brains out when the time comes. And I would like to be in a forest where scavengers could at least get a meal out of me. That would be an ugly sight but life is not all pretty and even ugly is beautiful.
I haven’t written in so long … struggling and so I’m writing. I always try to write when I am struggling (hardly ever happens). I have told myself a long time ago that I wouldn't let the pressures of society, those of age and class to affect me but they do. I have friends not much older than me with kids; by my age my sister already had three kids.
While I am still living ‘la vida loca’, I am hearing my close friends (which are the same age as me) talking about marriage and the likes . . . scary shit for me! I can’t even begin thinking about a relationship never mind marriage. My life is still so unpredictable and chaotic that I can’t make any long term commitments. Not that I wanna make any. I think that’s the part that maybe worries me . . . I have no interest in ‘settling’ down. Blah …
“Did I keep it gangsta or keep it classy”? – Nas. That’s the question …
Thank you Nas … you helped me so much. You are helping me right now. “Coke on the stove … I’m not going back to.”