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My Thoughts/ Mes Pensees (Journal)
6th December, 2009
Cuba … I am at an all-inclusive resort in Varadero and I am feeling shameful and ‘dirty’; overall as someone who is taking advantage of something. My feelings are not without a cause.
I am a ‘gringo’ walking around with a fluorescent green wrist-band, drinking and eating anytime, basically worry-free. It is disgusting since most Cuban people with an average salary of fifteen dollars a month are struggling to live; thus, I feel ashamed.
The night I arrived in the lobby of the hotel I had a man in perhaps his mid forties grab my gigantic backpacking bag to carry it to my room. Being considerably younger than him I did not feel that he should carry my bag and told him that I would carry it myself but he would not let that happen. I felt awful for that too. When I got to my room I gave him five American dollars and some of the things I had brought to give away: shampoo, body-wash, a Diesel cologne, deodorant … I asked him if he had kids and when he said “yes" I also gave him a couple of packs of gum, a bag of gummy-bears and a couple of Kinder eggs. He was too thankful … now every time he sees me he gives me a big smile and half-screams: “Romaniaaa!” (I told him where I was originally from and that I had lived half my life in a communist country thus, I knew his struggle). Again I feel horrible … I wish I could do more … I have to do more!
10pm Sunday, 6th December, 2009
I bartended almost ten years in my ‘younger’ days and so I generally tip bartenders and waiters as I liked to be tipped: good. So now I got bartenders rushing to serve me when I approach the bar. Drinks do not cost anything since this is an all-inclusive resort and so it feels like all the people serving and helping with the accommodation are slaves. They are always there to push the seat under you as you sit down to eat and when you have a bite left they are there to take your plate away asking you if you want a drink. They work for next to nothing and yet they always smile … it is a forceful smile though – I see through it. They have no choice.
I went to the beach last night at about 3AM and there was a guy sitting on a chair, alone on the entire beach … he was a security guard. What was he guarding? The sand? The waves? I am being sarcastic; I know why he was there … to prevent drunken ‘gringos’ like me from drowning. But why? Fuck it! If you’re a ‘genius’ that gets really drunk and drowns – you deserve it! People hardly get what they deserve …
It is honestly ridiculous how the Cubans working at the resort ‘kiss so much ass’ to the tourists. I know there is not much else they can do … tourism is the main source of decent employment here so the Cubans try to make the tourists as happy as they can … it is saddening to see.
I am not sure what is happening to me … I do not seem to care about anything else except Mother Earth and its relationship with our specie. Therefore, humans and humanity itself is only of secondary importance to Mother Earth for me …
I have questions and questions … and more questions about what we (humans) are doing and where we are ‘going’. I cannot seem to be able to enjoy or even partake in ‘harmless’ conversations’. I feel like there is hardly any time left. There is a great urgency for action and dramatic change within the world’s society. I am not sure why yet. Our existence as a specie is not at risk in its entirety but there is ‘a lot at stake’. (It is the truth as I see it and I am currently working on an essay that should clear things a little.)
I am not on any drugs … I am not drunk – I am actually drinking water right now at this useless Cuban resort unlike the majority of people who are flooding the open-bars from morning ‘till night. I wish I could snap my fingers and get all these drunken zombies to wake-up and concentrate on things that are important.
Sadness lies within me and not for myself – I am ‘fine’ (I have no kids, no wife or girlfriend – I want none of those … whatever happens to me I can overcome), the rest of the world though is in trouble and Mother Earth is highly distressed.
Have I gone completely insane? Where are all these thoughts and feelings coming from and why? I am actually afraid to ask “why” … maybe I don’t want to know.
There are so many questions … I welcome them though. Here I must make a parenthesis: when I use the word “I”, I do not think of myself as Mr. Happy, Dre, Hanz, Rasta or any other of the ‘personas’ which people know me by. When I say “I” (or “I am”) it is a completely selfless statement. “I” is without body, name or any other “given” attributes. “I” is the spirit … the faceless driver in a car (body). “I” could very well be “You”.
When I write (say) what I write (say), I do so because I see Life (beings: humans, animals, plants, insects) as being threatened. “I” am not worried so much about Mother Earth because she is relentless, a fighter and a survivor, adapting and changing with whatever circumstances exist. I cannot say the same about our specie though. We humans are quite weak and fragile. As Pascal once said, a drop of water is enough to kill us (paraphrased). If we do not use our only asset worth mentioning, our intelligence, we will not be well in the future to say the least.
Personally I do not favour “sad endings” so I try to warn/raise awareness but ultimately I will accept any outcome because I know there is no “end” for Mother Earth and thus, Life itself. The question is if there is an ‘end’ for us. And if so when and how?
For the most part I know that what I say/write is ‘heavy’ and difficult to ‘digest’ and I know that most people “cannot handle the truth’. Yet, we need to look at things as they are; we need to realize that we as humans are “one”, regardless of shapes, colours or where we were born. We have to strive for the progress and evolution of our specie and focus on what is really important … Enough for now … I’m tired.