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My Wife's Mental Catalogue

Updated on July 31, 2012

My wife does not have an exceptionally great memory. Now that she’s pregnant, she will sometimes stop talking as her thoughts leaves her mid sentence and I try to help her backtrack as we search for the rest of the story.

But she doesn't forget all things. Quite the contrary, there are certain memories that she stores in the hard drive. Here she is able to access this vital information within tenths of a second. She will rattle off dates with astonishing accuracy, describing every minute detail with exact specifications. This is what I call the mental catalogue.

Not to sound conceited, but I am the main subject of this rather extensive catalogue. There are sections and chapters dedicated to my shortcomings, mishaps, wrong answers, and stupid statements. Every wife is programmed with the mental catalogue; I think they’re born with it.

Trust me, I know that I only have myself to blame. I am constantly adding material to this catalogue, almost daily.

For our first example, we are on the road, driving to the beach when I decide to take an exit, she informs me that it’s the next exit that I need to take. I say no, it’s this exit, and just like every healthy couple, we have a disagreement about it that I think has ended when I tell her that I know where I’m going. But she has already pulled it up in the catalogue:

Incident 6-09-2009 Summer Beach Trip Wrong Turn – I remember you said this last time and we took this turn and ended up in that construction zone heading west when we needed to head east. Then you had that fit because we were stuck in traffic for a half an hour and I had to go to the bathroom and you said this was the last time you were ever going on vacation in your life. You sa---

Okay okay, we’ll take your exit, just make it stop! This from a woman who could not remember if she paid the cable bill.

Or maybe we’re at the grocery store and decide to splurge with a little ice cream, I go right for the chocolate because you cannot go wrong with chocolate. My wife however has a taste for the mint chocolate chip. I scowl, kind of like an 8 year old when he doesn't get his way. And then:

Incident 4-28-2012 Mint Chocolate Chip Hog – You made that face last time but then you ate almost the whole container that night and your stomach hurt, because remember I sai—

Okay, I guess I do like mint chocolate chip honey, let’s get that one and get out of here. (That lady is staring at me now, thanks)

This catalogue goes on and on and if you’re anything like me, it grows daily. My failings and faults will be stored only to be pulled up and recalled years down the road when I least expect it. And sometimes she lets me think that I made a decision when in actuality I didn't! It's a wicked game these wives can play.

Suppose I find a picture or something I think will look great in our living room. I mean this thing will really set the place off. I show it to my wife and to my amazement she is less than enthused. What? I ask. How could you possibly not like that? I've always had great taste.

She looks at me as if I'm a wet puppy with nowhere to go, that I'm so naive to think that I actually had good taste. Before her I thought that Pottery Barn was where you went to pee while on a farm. She starts gently, letting me down easy:

Incident 10-28-2008 First Visit - I remember your house when you lived alone honey, and that was fine for a bachelor. But I’m not sure I want our living room to look like a sports bar. Remember, you have the basement all to yourself, where you have those football pennants and concert posters hanging.

She pats me on the back as I look down at the floor in defeat. I suppose that plug-in felt pictures of dogs playing poker is not going to make it into our house, at least not upstairs. Defeated I trudge off, knowing deep down that she’s right, our living room shouldn't look like a sports bar….we should go for more of a pub feel.

So unless I quit making mistakes or delete my wife's hard drive---which sounds illegal--- I will just have to settle in and live with the consequences of my shortcomings. All in all it's not that bad, she let's me have my moments and I let her have her way, which in all honesty, works out for the best. So as I eat mint chocolate chip out of my pottery barn bowl, I will look at the pretty pictures on the wall and enjoy what I do have, instead of cringing at what could have been.


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    • neelu sinha profile image


      5 years ago from India

      Story of a compromise.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      5 years ago from Virginia

      That sounds about right!

    • fpherj48 profile image


      6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Oh, I know about that "compromise" concept, honey...been in the business for a mighty long time......I'm sure you do compromise......She gets to be right...and you get to agree......Sounds fair to me, as long as you have as much love as you two! It's all cool.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      I'll relay this message to my wife Paula, thanks! We have a really good relationship based on compromise on both sides, so it works out well.

    • fpherj48 profile image


      6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Weestro....Oh are too damned funny. Now that I know this, I'll remember to rest up before reading your hubs. I love nothing more than "FUNNY!" Thanks for the laughs....REAL laughs, as in the laughing that hurts!

      You speak of this so lovingly.....I commend you for being man enough to know that men can never win. Your wife sounds very anyone who is married, ever was married or spent any amount of time with married couples......I want to hug your sweet wife. She's my new hero. I LOVE this hub. You have extreme talent, young man! UP++

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Phil, glad you enjoyed it!

      Wesley, thank you for the life lessons on self respect and dignity as well as interior design, perhaps you missed that this is a humorous piece. Thanks dude.

    • Wesley Meacham profile image

      Wesley Meacham 

      6 years ago from Wuhan, China

      I cringe at your story. I think I would have divorced your wife a long long time ago. You don't have to live in such an abusive relationship man. You are a person too and you need some.... well.... respect. Starting with a little self-respect and dignity. Get some., dude.

      However... having said that... Dogs playing poker? Man, I wouldn't even have that shoved into a dark corner in my basement let alone hung on a wall in my home where other people can see. I don't know. Maybe guys like you do need wives like that.

    • Phil Plasma profile image

      Phil Plasma 

      6 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

      So... my wife was passing as I was reading the hub and I told her it was funny and true, all she caught was a glimpse of the top photo with all of the sorting drawers... she says, 'yes, that's me, keep working on getting there..'

      If I had her read this, I am sure she could relate, as have so many of your other commenters. Great hub voted up and funny.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      I have a long way to go in the learning women department...but I do know that I don't know anything! Thanks for stopping by tilsontitan, glad you enjoyed it!

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 

      6 years ago from New York

      Weestro you are such a man, wise in the ways of men and it would appear beginning to learn the ways of women ;)

      This was a very amusing hub that everyone not only understands but relates to. Poor men never learn their wives are right 98% of the time...I'll give you guys the other 2% :)

      Enjoyed reading and laughing along with this hub!

      Voted up, funny, and yes, interesting.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Christy, we really do, glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks for reading and voting Shelley, she's a great woman to put up with me!

    • CyberShelley profile image

      Shelley Watson 

      6 years ago

      Loved this, sounds as though we all travel a similar road one way or another. Up, funny and interesting

    • Christy Stewart profile image

      Christy Stewart 

      6 years ago from Oklahoma

      Well written and funny! Sounds like you have a great relationship with your wife. Keep up the good work ;)

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Let's just say I shouldn't go into interior design anytime soon! Thanks Carol!

      Thanks Shining, I will do my best!

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 

      6 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Funny like only you can provide, my friend. And it sounds like a typical wonderful relationship. Enjoy!

    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 

      6 years ago from Arizona

      Very funny. I love the hard drive with all the incidents of life. At least she was honest before marriage about your place. I do like honesty.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      They're good, they're very good billybuc! Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      6 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh Pete, is there a married man alive that does not understand this hub? I have had practically the same conversations with Bev and I'll be damned if I'm not wrong every single time. One would think I would learn but oh no, no way!

      Thanks for the laugh and the important lesson in the last sentence.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Mesha, she will remind me I'm sure!

      Will do Becky, thanks for stopping by!

      Yes, I'm hoping she will forget some things while pregnant Kathy! The olvive pictures sound awesome! Thanks for reading!

    • KathyH profile image


      6 years ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

      Pregnancy brain... it's an affliction that afflicts most moms-to-be. :) Very funny! And how could anyone NOT like the dogs playing poker? Really? LOL!!!

      You reminded me of something funny. There is a shop in one of the casinos here (don't ask which one, I can't remember! HA!) and there is an artist that paints pictures of OLIVES that has his paintings on display in this shop. Olives drinking martini's while sitting on bar stools, OLIVES sitting playing poker... pretty much like the dog picture you described. I love these paintings, my husband... not so much! HA!!!

      Thanks for the giggles this morning! :)

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 

      6 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Wonderful stories of your wife's recollections. We do remember what makes our honeys special. So just relax, and get to the honey-do list. Love your hubs.

    • Mesha Minnerman profile image

      Mesha Minnerman 

      6 years ago from Merced

      This is reminds me of like a reverse version of the movie the is built on memories and from the looks of it your wife will remind you of plenty.


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