Nameless- A monologue from a series about Addiction
You have the right to remain silent. If you do say anything, what you say can be used against you in a court of law. This is what they said to me. While I was being arrested I could only think of one thing. My daughter. All I could say was, please someone go get my daughter, she’s home alone. She’s hungry. She’s hungry. She’s hungry. I broke down. (Getting really upset and worked up, he pauses and holds his head in his hands.) I get a fucking phone call? Don’t I get to see a lawyer? This is bullshit, this guy comes up to me, how was I supposed to know what to expect?I’ve made some pretty stupid choices in my life. I don’t think I’m a bad guy, I mean, I stuck around for my daughter. The night, well, it started with me on the street. Yeah, I know it’s not a good start.
I get a phone call from this guy asking me where I’m at, I tell him. He’s being an asshole and talking about how the shits too expensive and I’m like “Man, stop I don’t need to hear your financial shit, I got my own problems.” So he says he’ll be here in ten and we hang up. (His face changes, he lights up.) Then my daughter called me. It wasn’t exactly the kind of conversation I wanted to have while I was on the street, but it reminded me of why I was there. She was asking when I’d be home. She was all alone because that flaky babysitter, Katie, left. I knew I should’ve found someone more reliable. She hadn’t eaten dinner yet. I mean, come on, just rip my heart out. Hadn’t eaten since last night actually. I told her I’d be home soon, even though I wasn’t even sure about that. “I love you sweet heart” was how the call ended.
And then! Jesus Christ, this lady comes up to me…I guess she recognized me from some other time, and she’s like “Do you have the…you know…you know?” She’s all urgent and annoying. I’m about to tell her I got the shit, but then I notice this huge bulge coming out of her stomach and I’m like “Holy shit lady, are you pregnant?” “Hell no I ain’t pregnant! You think I look pregnant?!” She tried to deny it but she had to be like seconds away from giving birth...literally, she was fuckin huge. I don’t mean fat...she was one of those nasty skinny girls with a huge basketball under her shirt. Anyways, at first I was like what the…? But she just started getting all pissed off and waving money all around at me and so I thought about giving her the “candy” that she wanted. She looked up at me with these huge big eyes and said “Please, just give it to me.” But all I could think of was her kid someday having those same eyes, being automatically addicted without even having a choice. So I told her to walk on. She was furious but she left (shrugs shoulders).
So anyways, I’m pacing around, pissed off because I should be home, but I’m waiting for this asshole to meet me. So finally he shows up. He comes up to me and is telling me that he’s gotta run to the fucking bank to get my money! So I’m all, “Man, I’m not giving you the shit unless you pay upfront. I gotta get the fuck home, okay? I’m not waiting around for you to go run some fuckin errands.” So the guy pulls out a MASSIVE wad of cash out of nowhere and my brain just starts racing, it’s just SO much. I see my daughter’s future in his pocket. He says, “Show me everything you got.” So I do.
Yeah, he was cop. I know I’ve really screwed up.Now that it’s been six months,I’ve realized everything I’ve done has been gone about the wrong way. That scares the shit out of me. All I wanted was for my daughter to look up to me as if everything I had done was to provide for her. But I am ashamed. I hope she’ll understand some day that I’m sorry. That I wish I finished high school. That I wish I didn’t make the choices I did. I think all the time about what I could’ve done instead. Work four jobs instead of two like I was? Get loans from a bank? As if they would ever give a guy like me a loan. Or maybe I could have just moved away. Taken my daughter to somewhere new, somewhere safe. Where I could find a cutesy little babysitter who loves kids and doesn’t leave them alone. But I know at this moment, right now, my daughter is safe.
I will serve the time that’s necessary and when I’m done, I know exactly where I’m going first. But until then, all I can hope for is my daughter to forgive me. Forgive me for putting her through what I’ve already put her through, and what the experience of having her daddy in jail will do. I love her more than words can describe. She’s coming to see me today, and I don’t know what I’m gonna do. What can I say that will make it seem alright? (To off stage) What Marcus? She’s here? Alright I’ll be there in a second. Tell her daddy will be there real soon.