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Never Ending promise

Updated on October 18, 2019
Sean McLean profile image

My main interest fr covering this topic is because of personal experience and of course observing others in their own life.

The Beginning.. 1

Hello.. You have taken the interest to observe my everyday life, I'm surprised even.. I don't really think I have anything for you to be interested in when I think about it unless if you like reading about people feeling lost in life and not knowing what to do exactly.. Unless if you enjoy reading about how people do not take care of themselves mentally and physically well here you are!

The name is Mike. I am a young person, I'm in my developing years as I'm told but in all honesty is there any development? I'll walk you through my daily routine. During the week I wake up around six in the morning to get ready to go to work, at six thirty I am still in bed because I usually switch my alarm off after it rings. I am awake checking my phone but still in bed..I would approximately be up at seven actually knowing that work starts in the next hour which means I need to eat. My breakfast is a glass of orange juice with pancakes and syrup usually but since I commonly run late I'll get some cereal like corn flakes in my bowl and basically drink it rather than eat it since I'm running late. After that I get showered and dressed, once that is done I leave the house to go and stand at the bus stop.

My bus arrives after 10 minutes so I hop on and take a seat, I feel sleep deprivation since I went to bad at like two in the morning after a web surf and film watching. My job is at a supermarket, I didn't finish school so I wanted to find a quick way to make money and of course support myself with this job. I do not picture myself doing this for my entire life but I really don't know what else I could be doing and I just don't know at all. I arrive at work and my boss notifies me about being late again for the forth time this week. I say sorry in repeat just to make sure the conversation ends so I can just get this day over and done with. I feel like quitting this job because I do not like the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by people since they all seem to be happy and pretend like life is beautiful it's disgusting!

The Beginning 2

It is time for me to go home now after eight hours of re arranging items on the shelfs in all sections of the store. I leave the store and walk to the bus stop with a co worker that I actually do not want to walk with but I do it anyway just to be respectful or nice or whatever you want to call it. We both take out our cigarettes and start smoking as we wait for the next bus to arrive. Tomorrow is the weekend so maybe I might invite one or two friends to the bar with me or something so we can have fun after a long week of work. I return home and the first thing I do is check my social media to see whats up, I see no notifications and that makes me really angry! Nobody ever looks at my stuff and I do not know why! I take out a beer bottle with some cheetos and left over pizza I had yesterday. After I set the table I turn on my ps4 console and start playing a game with some friends online. Sometimes we'd be on that game for hours because it's so dam fun! We play online so I connect my microphone so I can hear what people are saying, allot of eleven year old's are online tonight because of the weekend and their voices are annoying and immature to me so I make sure to make them cry at the end of every session since they are so dam good at pissing me and friends off. It's three in the morning, my stomach is bloated, I'm tipsy and for some reason I feel horny but there is no point going out to see any girl since I seem to get rejected on the first gaze. Stupid women... I turn on my computer and head to pornhub and I start pleasuring myself to some of those videos instead.. After that I head to my bed to sleep. As I lay down on my bed the more and more I want to sleep and never wake up again from life since it's nothing but suffering and darkness for me.. Nobody is willing to help me!

The next morning I wake up only to see a message on my phone from my therapist telling me I have a session today, I personally have no interest in going but my parents are paying for it so I might as well go. I feel the need to go clothes shopping later on since allot of clothes do not fit me anymore. Over the years I have put on a lot of weight which I don't really care about anymore. It's twelve in the afternoon and I have just awaken and my session is literally in the next hour. I get dressed and run straight to the station to catch the next bus without showering since I am very late. I arrive at the center and start my therapy session and I"m instructed to explain my feelings and thoughts to this person who doesn't even care so what is the point really? The lady just keeps rambling on about how I should start to exercise and change my diet or whatever the hell ''happy people'' do and then she prescribes me an anti depressant for me to take every morning and night daily.

The Beginning 3

The session is finally over so I can now go to a friends house, well not entirely a friend more of a dealer lets say who will provide me with the only medication I actually need which is weed! Fuck everything else.. I spend a good fifty dollars on some grams but I ask him to roll them up in advance so I spend an extra ten making it sixty in total. I arrive back home and I light up and get high, the feeling is spiritual to me and I feel cleansed after allowing the THC in my blood stream but the feeling only lats half an hour since I have built a tolerance to it since I have been smoking since my high school days. Occasionally I do MDMA but I do not touch other drugs since they provide nothing but danger in my opinion. An afternoon alone at home now, the high has vanished since my tolerance isn't what it used to be so I decide to roll up another blunt regardless of the thought of saving that for tomorrow I just want to use it now so I can actually feel something!

After finishing the blunt there is nothing left for me to want to do instead of mindlessly stare into space for the next few minutes or hours..

I quickly grab out my phone since I'm getting a phone call, It's my mother.. Let's hear what the angry lady has to say... My mother called because one of my cousins is getting married so she would like me to attend the wedding, well I don't know if she really wants me there or if she's just doing it for the sake of family I actually do not know why.. My folks don't phone me nor do I phone them so our relationship is sort of non existent at this point.. They always ramble on about how I could do better and how I am wasting my time and life but they are grumpy old losers why the hell should I listen to that hurtful stuff anyway? I tell her that I am more than happy to show up but I will most likely not show up at all since I don't actually have any interest family reunions or weddings or whatever the hell people are dragged into.. The event is in three days and to be honest I do not think that is enough time for me to get ready for this at all so I might as well refuse!

I have two brothers who seem to be interested in these things. I'm the middle child of the family and my older brother is currently in university studying psychology while my younger brother is job searching after getting thrown out of high school like myself a few years back. My parents like to blame the issue on me and state that I was the one who influenced my little brother to behave inconsiderately in school although that's not true because I was never really around him at all so that is clearly bullshit.

The Regeneration 1

After three days of wasting away past by I decide to actually rent a suit and attend this wedding since it was an actual excuse to avoid work. I called my boss and notified her that I had a family event to attend so they found someone to cover my shift as I make my way to the wedding. My cousin Anna is getting married to some guy she met on the internet, they dated online for two years and they used to travel long distances to see each other every year or so and now it is time they get married and actually live together in the same place.. Very boring rubbish isn't it? I get ready, I take a very long shower and actually decide to shave and brush my hair a little bit so my mother doesn't make any inconvenient comment about how unclean I have been looking ever since I have not been in the family household.. My father usually keeps quiet when he sees me and gives me an unwelcoming face, when he does make a comment he says something like ''you put on too much pounds couch loser''. Fucking hate that guy really, what does he expect the world to care about health and fitness forgetting the fact that human beings are immortal and are prone to dying so it means life isn't something that needs to be taken seriously like most people would think! I put my suit on and shoes on, I tie the tie and walk out the door with a cigarette in my mouth ready to light it up. I quickly take out my phone to call a taxi to come drive me to this church since I am not actually aware of where it is although my mother claims our family have been going there for years so in that case it was a place I never cared about so I did not show much interest really.

The taxi finally arrives at the church, the taxi man charges twenty dollars so I take out a note and pay him. I already see my dad's car and I start to feel anxious as I see a shit ton of people all walking into the church like its some kind of bank with free cash. The taxi leaves and I walk up to the church entrance and I start to see people who I can confirm I have not ever seen in my entire life. When I walk down the church hall to find a random seat my mother waves her hand and calls out my name with a big fake smile on her face likewise with my own.. My brothers smile at me and shake my hand while my father pretends to be looking elsewhere like I expected. The wedding now starts and the happy couple proceed to the tradition of kissing and putting a ring on the finger, basically all that nonsense.. I observe the entire thing in pure boredom but at the same time I discover a feeling of loneliness for some odd reason, deep down as I analyse this feeling I wonder why I do not have any woman who desires me.. The groom looks slim, a head full of hair and toned body, the girl is slim with a curvy waste and basically a typical Hollywood looking bitch while the man is just a pretty fuck boy. I hate those kind of people since all they want to do is show of how "cool'' their lives are so everyone can be like them or whatever. I just want to leave but at the same time I would like to stay since there will be food at the after party as my mother promised. After 30 minutes of kissing and ringing it is now time for everyone to go outside and get some food and of course get to know each other or whatever extroverted fake smiling assholes do with there time.. My brothers come over to me and they both pour themselves a bottle of wine while I just feast on the cheese cakes. I've had four so far and they are absolutely delicious! My older brother asks me the common question everyone asks people regardless of caring or not about the answer they get. He asks " what do you see yourself doing in the next five years?''. I just look at him and say ''I don't know''. The conversation ends there thankfully since the ''I don''t know'' tactic kind of turns people's attention away from you which exactly what I wanted in the first place.. I notice the groom is approaching my direction for whatever reason, I strongly hope he is not coming over to speak to me. The man walks over and says hello offering to shake my hand! I take out my hand and shake it, he basically grabs my hand tight which is a stupid ''alpha'' thing society teaches to men in my opinion.

He starts the conversation by asking my name, age, where I come from, what I do for a living and who I am related to in the wedding. I kindly tell him my name and age and which part of town I'm from but as usual I reply ''I don't know'' to the ones I don't really want to answer. He looks at me with an awkward smile but for some reason he isn't leaving to talk to the other people, he decides to keep asking questions and it's really getting on my nerves! The man asks me to sit down with him and he pours me a glass of water and hands it over to me and starts his conversation..

''When I was allot younger I was in your place, I had not decided what I wanted to do in my days nor did I have any interest or motivation to pursue dreams and aspirations mainly because of a number of things.. The environment, the people's influence and the food too actually.. I cared way too much of what people thought of me especially of the appearance. Now understand this, allot of things in this society is fucked up and I won't deny it but ask yourself this? Is it really affecting your everyday life? Political things you see on social media or on the news are not have not changed nothing in your life so stop focusing on things you can not control first of all.. If you ever wonder why people treat you a certain way in life is because we human beings are consuming knowledge everyday, even off the internet the knowledge you're getting isn't entirely valued but it still influences your thoughts and view on the world. Let's start with the way people look, we are attracted to slim, muscular toned individuals for a reason and don't think it's because of the movies. The movies have all types of people in it especially in our day and age.. Anyways, we seem to be kinder and more respectful to these people not because they look ''good''. It's really because they show a set of self discipline and willpower. Controlling what you eat, what you watch and what you do with your body is something allot of people are not doing anymore due to technological advances and transport and food too! technological advances, transport and food aren't actually terrible things man but we have some how manged to take advantage of all of that! So what happens, our bodies were made to move, explore and build from the impression I get when I read history and observe most animals. You get what I mean? If you ever wonder why so many people are dying of autoimmune diseases or dying of literally a clogged liver or whatever else people have been commonly developing is simply because the body is not being used for it is made for! So when you see someone who is fit and healthy like a girl with a big butt you'll be more than happy to jack off to her photo while lying down on the couch eating Cheetos all day but you most likely won't do a girl your own weight right?''

Funnily enough I noticed that I was actually listening to everything he just said but at the same time I think he is a narcissistic cunt! He continues to say what he has to say after taking a sip of water.

''Listen man I'm not targeting you, I don't know you or anything but I saw you in the corner and you're the only one who looks like you're not having any fun so I thought I'd come over and talk to you man. You remind me allot of myself a few years back.''

''How do I remind you of yourself? Like you said you don't know me so why say such a thing huh?'' Says Mike. The man looks Mike straight in the eye and smiles and starts to talk again.

''You're right, I do not know you at all and I cannot make assumptions but I do know that you're unhappy, am I right?'' ''Yes'', Mike replies. The man continues.

''Listen here, I know this is something that you most likely do not want to hear but if you want stuff to change then you have to understand you're the only one in the world who can actually make the change.. The belief that someone will save you is bullshit and you should quit that mindset if you think that way. You are an addict, sorry to say but you have finished all the cakes in this section so you are clearly addicted to low quality non nutritional processed foods.'' Mike says '' Can you please stop insulting me you're making me feel uncomfortable'' The man replies, ''I'm not insulting anyone here''.

I scream '' FUCK OFF!''. Everyone stops what they are doing to turn around to look at them, the man gets up and leaves with a smile on his face while I run off crying out of the court yard. My parent's look down with disgust and embarrassment while my brothers pause and stop eating. I run across the stress to the nearest super market to purchase a cigarette to help me calm down.

The Regeneration 3

It’s been four hours the wedding finished, I have to say it was quite an eventful day for sure but I wish it didn’t happen.. Who the hell does that guy think he is coming up to me and insulting me like that? He thinks things in this stupid life actually matter? Fuck sakes… I am at home lying on my bed thinking of what to do next and surprisingly it is not to look at my phone or to turn on my PS4. I just lie there analyzing what just happened today but the thing that I cannot get out of my head is the fact that I listened to almost everything this man said which is most likely why I cried and stormed out of there because I knew it was true.. I knew what he was saying is true and all my life I’ve always denied the truth especially when it was right in front of me or whatever.. I just don’t know what is wrong with me and how the hell do I stop being such a waster? Why the hell am I in this world if have nothing to prove? Why! I cry for another few hours before finally falling asleep. It is the next morning, I discover that I actually had a full seven hours sleep since my phone tracks the sleep and sends me a notification about it and on the other hand I actually feel a bit refreshed rather than sluggish. I actually got up from my bed and headed straight to the bathroom after checking the phone’s notification. I brush my teeth and take a shower. I feel a little bit different today and slightly more better today probably because I got the sleep I needed. After I shower I get dressed and head to work without actually eating any breakfast since I knew all the food I had here wasn’t entirely healthy. I want to make a change, I understand that I am the only person in this world who can do that and nobody else can since it is my life not theirs..

Story summery

Hello, it is I! The writer, I thank you for taking your time to read this story. The point of it really is to help you understand that allot of issues can be solved by making the smallest changes in your life. It may sound either silly or it might sound like it has no beneficial value to you but in everything in life you have to understand that things do not happen overnight. I feel like we rush a little too much in our days and we expect allot from a future that hasn’t even happened at all which is not good at all. If you take a step back and look around your environment ask yourself if this is the place for you? Ask yourself if you are happy with the people you are surrounded with and actually ask yourself if you’re enjoying your job.. We make things seem difficult to ourselves because we get into a routine of life that we are so used to it is not easy to break out of since we have it wired into our minds. Yes, I understand but look at it this way. If you don’t take action then who else will? Have you thought about that? Most likely not.. Take care of yourself, eat well, keep yourself occupied with things/people that matter and don’t give up because the minute you give up you will end up back to the place you were and I’d imagine that is what you are trying to avoid wouldn’t you say?

© 2019 Sean H McLean


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