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No More Coffee...

Updated on August 29, 2013

I need a boost...

Waking up, the savory aroma of freshly brewed coffee pervades the house. I float out of bed and get dressed, anticipating that warm medicinal sip of the great morning elixir. My wife already has a pot brewing by the time I lumber down the hall. She drinks the expensive stuff, i've come home with cheap coffee and it was not pretty. To her, the stronger the better.

I'm a tad high strung already, drinking coffee labeled "bold" or "dark" is basically the equivelent to me snorting a line of cocaine to start my day. But on this dreary morning, I'm freeling sluggish, so I pour a cup and let the fun begin.

Gentleman, start your engines....

We Have Lift Off!

I start to feel the effects immediately. It only takes a sip or two before my eyes widen and I jolt to attention as the caffeine hitting my system. I eat my cereal, chewing at warp speed while sipping from the mug. One sip was enough, but I couldn't stop there..

I wipe the drool from my chin and plan my day dizzy with ambition, yet scattered focus.. One thought sprouts to life just as another is crashes and burns.... I’m going to be super productive today, I can feel it. I’m going to get so much done! Maybe I should ride my bike to work….yeah… sip….I should…..I don’t think it’s going to rain…..sip…..I’m going to go in early……sip….get caught up on some stuff…..holy crap my foot is tapping fast!

My mind buzzes and my eyes dart across the room. I take a shaky breath and sprint to the sink, dousing my face with cold water. Once I hav a hold of myself, I dilute the jet fuel strength java with creamer. The dogs watch me with cocked heads, looking at me as though I'm an antimated play toy. The coffee machine roars, I hear it summoning me to refill. I obey it's command...

On the way to work I fidget with the stereo at every stop light, changing the stations no less than 28 times on my 10 minute commute. Talk Radio….Sports Talk….The Wake Up show….Classic Rock…..back to Sports Talk….. All the while tapping on the steering wheel and talking out loud, no doubt looking like a mad man.

Nonsensical thoughts flood my head. Why don’t marathon runners drink coffee right before a race? How can anyone in the world be tired, ever? Why do people do crack? Coffee is my favorite...this is amazing!

My eyes jerk to find the swirling lights in my rearview mirror. I pull off to an empty lot were a policeman demands that I remain in my car. I jump down from the hood and do as I'm told. The officer questions my erratic driving. If he has a breathalyzer for caffeine I will certainly fail. then I'm pulled out of the car and ordered to stand still. This is no easy task. My leg is like a jackhammer, twitching and trembiing as I try to hold it in place. Stepping in for a closer look, the officer notices my eyes, the rapid breathing, and the coffee breath. He then orders a field anxiety test. Also known as a F.A.T. I'm doomed.

“Sir, could you hold your leg still?”


Fidgeting in place, I give my best effort to stand still. Meanwhile the dark roasted concoction rages through my system like a roller coaster, unrelenting as it spikes my pulse and terrorizes my nerves. I’m suddenly acutely aware of my thumbs. Springing back and forth, their unable to find a place to rest. The officer walks back to his cruiser as I try to take a few deep breaths. I'm not helping my case by hopping on one foot but I've really got to use the bathroom. Finally, after checking my license, the officer comes back and lets me go with a warning and a promise to switch to decaf.

Arriving at work, my blood pressure is off the charts, anxiety overcomes me. I have no idea what I’m so worried about yet I panic. I worry about being worried. I'm drenched in sweat. I alternate between drinking water and simply throwing it in my face. I chew on a pencil, snapping it in half as I feel the onset of lead poisoning. I just want to snap out of it. That’s it, no more of my wife’s battery acid, I will take heed to the policeman's warnings. If I catch you out hear again, you better hope that's decaf in your mug!.

I resolve to get my own brewer, it's decaf from here on out, this is crazy! What if I overdose on caffeine? Can you? Web MD says yes. Great, add that to the worry list!


As the morning wears on and the effects of the coffee fade, I settle down and once again become a productive member of society. My coworkers unwrap the duct tape from my chair and mouth as I'm finally speaking at a normal level and at a normal speed. There's still the occassional twitch, but my doctor says that this is normal. It's an all too real reminder of the side effects from my encounter with potion, but I've managed to survive. My heart rate subsides and I no longer feel like a junkie. I shudder as flashbacks streak through my head. I try to focus.Tomorrow's a fresh start and I've vowed to stay clean, if I can ever get to sleep...


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    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      I can feel my pulse racing just reading your comments bwhite! Thanks for reading!

    • bwhite062007 profile image

      Brianna W 

      6 years ago from East Coast

      Lol loved it! I probably make my coffee as strong as your wife's yet its still not strong enough for me haha.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Haha, you sound like my wife, Thanks Lynn!

    • profile image

      Lynn S. Murphy 

      6 years ago

      Dubious as to the thought of having too much coffee. I really hate it when there's too much blood in my caffiene stream....... lol. Loved it and enjoyed it.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Hey Don, thanks for stopping by, good to know that it isn't just me!

      I should do the same basics, thought I was going to die!

      Ignugent, I've been doing a half and half mix that works welll for me!

      Enjoy it Rfordin, that stuff gives me the shakes!

      Good point Rachel, be careful out there!

      I can totally relate becky, thanks!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 

      6 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      We don't drink coffee in my house. I have a coffee pot but I make tea in it. I did enjoy your story of how it effects you. I see it in my children. My sons wake up to energy drinks. Talk about a headache. I don't even want to talk when I wake up.

      Just give me an hour alone with my diet coke and don't talk to me. My daughter drank two one night and thought she was going to have a heart attack. I forbade her from energy drinks. She is not even allowed to look at one. I never buy them, I don't know where they keep coming from.

    • Farmer Rachel profile image

      Rachel Koski 

      6 years ago from Pennsylvania, now farming in Minnesota

      LOL! I loved this. Especially "All the while tapping on the steering wheel and talking out loud, no doubt looking like a mad man." I'm a big coffee drinker myself, and can relate to the fantasies about how much stuff I'm going to get done today, etc. I've considered switching to decaf, but life's too short! Voted funny and awesome and UP :)

    • Rfordin profile image


      6 years ago from Florida

      I'm with your wife on this one; the stronger the better.

      I must admit tho my bloodstream is a constant flow of caffeinne so I probably need a strong pot of coffee to even get out of bed some mornings.

      Thanks for this early morning I sip my battery acid.


    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Hahaha very funny weestro and I am glad you are trying to control yourself. I love coffee but I don't drink everyday. Enjoyed your hub!

    • bac2basics profile image


      6 years ago from Spain

      All too true Weestro. I have drunk de-cafe for years because regular coffee mimics a panic attack for me. However, I do have a small regular coffee when I need a kick start, it´s Ok if I´m work is manual so I am on the go not sitting at a desk. I once overdosed on regular coffee and thought I was going to have a heart attack for sure, didn´t sleep a wink all night, my heart was racing like the clappers and I was panicking throughout the whole terrible night. These days I am far more cautious.

    • Don Bobbitt profile image

      Don Bobbitt 

      6 years ago from Ruskin Florida

      Funny! Your story lists all of the things when I am thinking about when sitting around after I hit my personal caffiene limit.

      I will start wondering if I should "have just one more cup" and after things like you mention go through my mind, I can usually stop myself.

      Once, I was talking so fast that I had a co-worker accuse me of "speaking in tongues"!

      Good Hub and Voted UP!

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      I like it too, just in very small doses! Thanks Victoria!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 

      6 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Funny stuff. I WISH coffee had that effect on me. Doesn't seem to perk me up much at all, but I drink it because I just like it. You write such descriptive, funny stuff. Love it!

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Three cups would be like meth for me jim, I wouldn't sleep for days! Glad you enjoyed it, thanks!

    • jimagain profile image


      6 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Loved it! You were on target. I was sipping my 3rd cup of coffee when I read this. We love our caffiene: hot, cold, with ice, etc. The obsession goes on. Oh those awful alkaloids mood-altering compounds! What would we do without them?!!! Probably lapse back to sleep in the morning and refuse to get out of bed or got to work. As usual, I enjoyed this one!

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Lady E, and you're right, my wife makes coffee so strong...I've been watering it down lately and that helps. Love the pic!

    • Lady_E profile image


      6 years ago from London, UK

      Lovely and interesting read. Sometimes, I think some coffee's are stronger than others. Maybe you could have a mild one.... or will it have the same effect?

      I have a friend who loves his coffee too. :-)

    • johnwindbell profile image


      6 years ago from - the land of beards and buggies

      I switched to green tea, which doesn't seem to have the caffeine punch as coffee. When abstaining from it isn't as tough, I found. Like cannabis, if I may be so bold. Ran out one weekend and ....oh well, forgot about it. And caffeine isn't as hard to kick as the fockin cigs! of luck. You can do it because you want to.

    • alocsin profile image


      6 years ago from Orange County, CA

      A great story about the perils of coffee. Voting this Up and Funny.

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Exactly Deborah, I have no idea how people can drink regular coffee after dinner! Thanks for reading!

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 

      6 years ago from Iowa

      This is hilarious and I can totally relate. I can't drink coffee after noon because I would lie awake all night long!

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Ardie, I've been 3 days clean now and loving it!

    • Ardie profile image


      6 years ago from Neverland

      You always write such funny little stories :) I have to admit that I am like you on the coffee "COFFEE"! I dont normally drink it so when I do have some my body goes into hyper-drive. I hope you were able to get some rest eventually and that you learned your lesson - not like the times the room is spinning and you are praying that if it just stops you will never drink liquor again

    • weestro profile imageAUTHOR

      Pete Fanning 

      6 years ago from Virginia

      I'm on day 3 of no coffee, and so far so good! Thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Richert 

      6 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This is funny and i can relate. I must have my morning coffee, if not it's a dull day, suffering with a headache and withdrawal symptoms..HaHa..Enjoyed..


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