No More Coffee...

Waking up, the savory aroma of freshly brewed coffee pervades the house. I float out of bed and get dressed, anticipating that warm medicinal sip of the great morning elixir. My wife already has a pot brewing by the time I lumber down the hall. She drinks the expensive stuff, i've come home with cheap coffee and it was not pretty. To her, the stronger the better.

I'm a tad high strung already, drinking coffee labeled "bold" or "dark" is basically the equivelent to me snorting a line of cocaine to start my day. But on this dreary morning, I'm freeling sluggish, so I pour a cup and let the fun begin.

Gentleman, start your engines....

I start to feel the effects immediately. It only takes a sip or two before my eyes widen and I jolt to attention as the caffeine hitting my system. I eat my cereal, chewing at warp speed while sipping from the mug. One sip was enough, but I couldn't stop there..

I wipe the drool from my chin and plan my day dizzy with ambition, yet scattered focus.. One thought sprouts to life just as another is crashes and burns.... I’m going to be super productive today, I can feel it. I’m going to get so much done! Maybe I should ride my bike to work….yeah… sip….I should…..I don’t think it’s going to rain…..sip…..I’m going to go in early……sip….get caught up on some stuff…..holy crap my foot is tapping fast!

My mind buzzes and my eyes dart across the room. I take a shaky breath and sprint to the sink, dousing my face with cold water. Once I hav a hold of myself, I dilute the jet fuel strength java with creamer. The dogs watch me with cocked heads, looking at me as though I'm an antimated play toy. The coffee machine roars, I hear it summoning me to refill. I obey it's command...

On the way to work I fidget with the stereo at every stop light, changing the stations no less than 28 times on my 10 minute commute. Talk Radio….Sports Talk….The Wake Up show….Classic Rock…..back to Sports Talk….. All the while tapping on the steering wheel and talking out loud, no doubt looking like a mad man.

Nonsensical thoughts flood my head. Why don’t marathon runners drink coffee right before a race? How can anyone in the world be tired, ever? Why do people do crack? Coffee is my favorite...this is amazing!

My eyes jerk to find the swirling lights in my rearview mirror. I pull off to an empty lot were a policeman demands that I remain in my car. I jump down from the hood and do as I'm told. The officer questions my erratic driving. If he has a breathalyzer for caffeine I will certainly fail. then I'm pulled out of the car and ordered to stand still. This is no easy task. My leg is like a jackhammer, twitching and trembiing as I try to hold it in place. Stepping in for a closer look, the officer notices my eyes, the rapid breathing, and the coffee breath. He then orders a field anxiety test. Also known as a F.A.T. I'm doomed.

“Sir, could you hold your leg still?”

“Yes…..I think…NO! NO I CAN’T OFFICER!! IT WON’T STOP, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!!!”

Fidgeting in place, I give my best effort to stand still. Meanwhile the dark roasted concoction rages through my system like a roller coaster, unrelenting as it spikes my pulse and terrorizes my nerves. I’m suddenly acutely aware of my thumbs. Springing back and forth, their unable to find a place to rest. The officer walks back to his cruiser as I try to take a few deep breaths. I'm not helping my case by hopping on one foot but I've really got to use the bathroom. Finally, after checking my license, the officer comes back and lets me go with a warning and a promise to switch to decaf.

Arriving at work, my blood pressure is off the charts, anxiety overcomes me. I have no idea what I’m so worried about yet I panic. I worry about being worried. I'm drenched in sweat. I alternate between drinking water and simply throwing it in my face. I chew on a pencil, snapping it in half as I feel the onset of lead poisoning. I just want to snap out of it. That’s it, no more of my wife’s battery acid, I will take heed to the policeman's warnings. If I catch you out hear again, you better hope that's decaf in your mug!.

I resolve to get my own brewer, it's decaf from here on out, this is crazy! What if I overdose on caffeine? Can you? Web MD says yes. Great, add that to the worry list!

As the morning wears on and the effects of the coffee fade, I settle down and once again become a productive member of society. My coworkers unwrap the duct tape from my chair and mouth as I'm finally speaking at a normal level and at a normal speed. There's still the occassional twitch, but my doctor says that this is normal. It's an all too real reminder of the side effects from my encounter with potion, but I've managed to survive. My heart rate subsides and I no longer feel like a junkie. I shudder as flashbacks streak through my head. I try to focus.Tomorrow's a fresh start and I've vowed to stay clean, if I can ever get to sleep...