No Swimming Allowed! A Cautionary Tale

It was hot in my car. So hot. The kind of hot where your skin sticks to the seat. I had been driving for about six hours and had another twelve to go. No way I was reaching my destination today, so I started looking for cheap motel signs. I wanted cheap, but with air-conditioning. Just when I thought that was not a possibility, I spotted a brightly lit billboard claiming "Super-cool Air-conditioning!", "Crystal-clear pool!", and the ever-popular "Free Adult Movies!" I hit that exit ramp and made a bee line to Red's Motel & RV Park.

After I peeled my legs off the Naugahyde seat of my grandfather's old Caddy, I headed to the glass door labeled "Off ce". There I found Myrtle. Myrtle was a beautiful woman - 30 years ago. Before she had those "ungrateful demon spawns" that marked up her body clawing to get out. They answer to the names Jed, Ned, and Red Jr. I assumed that Red of Red's Motel & RV Park was the father. After offering that unneccessary information, Myrtle handed me the key to room 13.

The room itself was not bad, but it most certainly was not cool. I kick started the old air-conditioner located where all old motel air-conditioners usually were, underneath the huge window by the door. It cranked right up and started blowing out ice cold air. I was satisfied.

I decided I needed to cool off faster, so I changed quickly and headed to the pool. Nervous energy ran through me as I envisioned those "crystal-clear" waters the billboard had promised.

I was not prepared for what I found as I rounded the corner to the pool. "No Swimming Allowed" the sign screamed at me. My hopes of quick relief was dashed. I felt like I had been kicked in the teeth.

"Why did they close the pool?!" I shouted to no one. "It looks perfectly fine!" I continued to talk to myself.

The pool was indeed crystal-clear. It looked so inviting. I swear I could hear it calling my name! I decided right then and there that I was going to pretend I didn't see that sign. If anyone asked me if I saw the sign, I would simply lie. There was no sign when I got in the pool! Nu-uh! No sir!

In I jumped. Ah, the water was so cool and thrilling! It smelled a little bit, but all pools smell. I dove under and started swimming towards the deep end. As I opened my eyes, they started to sting. Just a little at first, but more and more with each passing second.

"OWWW!" I screamed as I broke the surface. "My eyes!"

Through blurry eyes I made my way to the side of the pool and pulled myself out. With no towel or any water to rinse my eyes with, I felt my way back to the room. Luckily, it wasn't far and I could kind of see out of the corner of my left eye.

Fifteen minutes later, I was on the bed with a wet washcloth over my eyes. I tested my vision every few minutes and it was getting better. Soon, when I could see colors again, I would call the front desk to tell them about their acid pool! Sure, I had broken the rules, but signs are made to be ignored sometimes. Right?

Myrtle answered the phone on the third ring. I didn't yell. I didn't scream. I just explained the situation. Her response? "Didn't you see the sign?"

I thought about my plan to lie, but me and Myrtle had history. I couldn't lie to Jed, Ned, and Red Jr's mom.

"Yes, but I didn't know why it was closed so I thought a quick dip wouldn't hurt", I squeaked meekly into the phone.

"It was closed because we had to bleach the whole thing. Some kid had diarrhea and pooped all in it yesterday! Red went and bought 50 bottles of bleach at the Wal-mart and dumped it all in last night. I don't think that's enough, but he's the expert!"

I rolled my eyes at their stupidity! What idiot does that? Expert, my ass!

I was sitting high on my superior horse making fun of their yokel ways when it suddenly hit me. My eyes were burning from the bleach, but I had flushed them out with water. They were returning to normal, but bleach doesn't just burn, it whitens. Sure enough, I looked down and my bathing suit had huge white blotches and lines all over it. Eh, no big deal. I'd just buy another one.

My hair, however, was another story. I raced to the bathroom mirror and staring at me was a white-haired old fool looking back. Gone was my curly auburn locks. A stringy, white hairball was what I had now.

I rolled my eyes at my stupidity! What idiot doesn't read the signs? I am an ass!

©LMY 3.5.2012