Of My Odds and Ends

Confusion or Illusion

I’ve been sleeping late these past few days…still trying to cope with things that came flashing through my mind. It seemed that everything happens so fast and I can’t understand why. Maybe, I am just confused. And that would be a great relief, rather than to think that I am just living in an illusion. Hoping things would get back to normal, though unable to do anything to resolve the conflicts…just living life one day at a time.

Sometimes it’s hard when you learn too fast…and without noticing it, you unlearn many things which are more valuable than the new ones…and quite right. But my heart won’t give me peace. And now, I am in the midst of this unmistakably big illusion. What if I fail? What if my heart is making another big fall? Oh the phantom of the past! When will I ever learn?

And to think that my eyes are aware of what they see…but my troubled soul can’t make up her mind. For it sees beyond what my naked eyes can reach…oh the dreams! The never ending story of reaching for the stars…alone, just to offer it to someone who never even spare time to look or stretch an arm to aid. And if I fail, won’t even give a glance when leaves.

Am I but an air? Or a wind? Or a breeze? That would just past and won’t even noticed at all? I am valuable, Yes I am…but why do I let myself be a doormat for someone?…and never feel annoyed, at least. I know it, hah! I know everything. I’m not a fool…but purposely, I am.

Now, what am I going to do? Nothing? Or everything? Pop this giant balloon of fantasy I made for myself, (or did somebody make it for me? Ah, I almost forgot..) Or just let it pop all by itself until the right time…when it could no longer prick my aching soul. Maybe, it still would, much more painful…I don’t know. For now, I can only wait, and live, and smile…though my heart is bleeding…just like what I always believed, my mind would not understand certain things, but my heart would. Sometimes, I just have to accept that the world of illusion can be my reality……