ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Old Jokes & Grey Humor

Updated on October 4, 2008

Warning: Humor May be Dangerous to Your Illness

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Sneaky...

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games

10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It!

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune To run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight To tell the difference.

The Love of Sharing Equally

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

Prank Callin' Old People

These epitaphs are allegedly taken from actual tombstones

I know you are dying to read them:

On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102: The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread. And the Lord sent them manna.

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake: Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803.

His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange: Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's.

He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a .44. No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any. Dig 4 feet deep, and thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont, has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low.

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away Owin' more than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn't like Mr. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood enclosed in wood, One Wood Within another.

The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania, is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.

But does he make house calls?

Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas: Office upstairs

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • sixtyorso profile image

    Clive Fagan 

    10 years ago from South Africa

    I meant to comment on this hub. But did I or Did I forgot?

    Great hub it would be funny if it was not so true.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

    Cindy Lawson 

    10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Very funny, had me giggling all the way through.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)