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Old Jokes & Grey Humor
Warning: Humor May be Dangerous to Your Illness
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It!
The Senility Prayer
God, grant me the Senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight To tell the difference.
The Love of Sharing Equally
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
Prank Callin' Old People
These epitaphs are allegedly taken from actual tombstones
I know you are dying to read them:
On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102: The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread. And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake: Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange: Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's.
He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a .44. No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any. Dig 4 feet deep, and thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont, has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low.
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away Owin' more than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood enclosed in wood, One Wood Within another.
The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania, is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
But does he make house calls?
Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas: Office upstairs