An open Letter to the Coors Brewing Company Thanking Them for the Pet Snake That Came With My Beer.
The letter to the Coors Brewing Company was to thank them for the pet snake that came with the carton of beer I purchased for my husband and to confess that I accidentally killed it.
Coors Brewing Company
Golden, Colorado 80401
To whom it may or may not concern:
June 20th, 2016. I purchased a carton of beer for my hubby who suddenly had a craving for some. Because he does not normally drink beer I made a special trip to make sure that he had some.
I purchased the unrefrigerated package of your beer because I did not have enough room in my refrigerator to put all twelve cans. I refrigerated a couple of cans and had to put the carton with the rest of the cans on the floor in the pantry.
The letter and my confession
This is to inform you that the pet snake you so graciously included in your Light 12 pack of 16 ounce cans has expired (not the beer, that is supposed to be good till September 2016) it is the pet snake that you included with my purchase that I am talking about.
I always believed that all snakes are deadly, poisonous or not. I thought that if I should encounter one close enough to bite, even if it did not bite me, I would die of a heart attack. You proved to me that I was wrong when you included one in my package of your beer.
For that I thank you.
How do I know that it smiled?
I put the package of beer on its end with the two slots for a handle on the side and when I began to open up the end to remove a couple cans to refrigerate, the pet snake you included poked its head outside, it smiled at me and slithered down the side of the carton.
How do I know that it smiled? It just looked like it smiled and as Tom T. Hall says in his hit song 'Sneaky Snake' "it laughs to much you see." If it laughs for Tom T. Hall, surely it smiled at me.
I felt no fear as I had thought I would and my first instinct was to grab it and take it outside, but when I tried to catch it by the tail it slithered passed me and underneath the battery operated broom between the bristles of the beater-bar to hide. When it poked it’s head out on the other side, that is when I sprayed him with the ant spray. No, not to kill it but to incapacitate it, but when I sprayed it, it backed up inside the battery operated broom.
I really did not mean to kill it but did not want to share the beer and have a drunken snake running round in my house.
Dragging the battery operated broom outside, I opened it up to see if the snake was still inside. It was not in the catch basket, but I could see it pulsating on the bar and I shook it out, and thought that with fresh air it would revive.
It fell out on the sidewalk and its mouth was open wide gasping for one last breath of air. It must have taken a beating by the beater bar as I rolled the broom across the floor to get it out the door. By the time I picked it up and got it in a jar, the poor pet snake was dead.
Please include instructions for the care of the surprise pet.
Next time you enclose a bonus pet in your packs of beer, please do not surprise us, tell us what kind of pet we can expect to see and tell us if you please, what it likes to eat and if it is poisonous or not, if it’s one we’d like to keep.
I understand your disappointment in learning of the death of the pet snake in the package of beer, but please believe me, I had no intensions of killing it.
Info for my poem about worms in your drink
Mezcal/Mescal - The worm is not in Tequila, it is reserved for the drink known as Mezcal/Mescal drinks are called tequila's big brother by some, but these two drinks are unrelated.
Worms in Tequila (Poem)
Worms in Mezcal is something that I hear
But, a snake inside my package of beer?
That is something I never thought I'd fear
If I should buy another package of beer
Worms in Mezcal is something you can expect to see
But, a snake inside my beer
Please, please don't send it to me
Maybe you could just set the poor thing free.
I don’t think I care to see another snake packaged with my beer.
Shyron E. Shenko
P.S. it is about 6 inches long and brown and with a white underbelly and has a pointed nose.
Have you ever received a living pet in your package of beer?
© 2016 Shyron E Shenko