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PUNCH DRUNK DUMMY
By: Wayne Brown
I just read a funny story that made me giggle and inspired me to greater heights in nonsense. When I feel funny I have this overwhelming desire to write in run-on sentences that could go on for hours and hours and hours…well you get the idea! You see, contrary to Stan Fletcher Theory, humor can be elusive for me so I rush to get it out before it decides to up and run away. When it does that, I have to wait for it to come out of hiding and sometimes that takes some coaching on my part.
With my rush to get humor on paper, I start to understand those comedians who use the one-liner delivery for that instant zinger exhilaration. Henny Youngman…. “I went to see the doctor, he told me to drop my pants and bend over.” I replied, “take me out first!” What a great line! Rodney Dangerfield was amazing with those zingers that he could throw around, “Hey baby, ain’t you nice, I’ll bet you were somethin’ back before electricity!” Rodney could just make your sides ache throwing those gut-rippers out two and three at a time while he stood there adjusting the knot on his tie.
And these crazy commercials, “hey you woodchucks, quit chuckin’ my wood!” or “why don’t we take you down to namby-pamby land and buy you some confidence, ya jackwagon!” I wish I’d thought of those first! Can you believe some people have a job just sitting around and thinking up funny stuff to sell things….Wow! We’re talking Rob Petrie here, baby!
I thought of something really funny when I first started writing this piece and then during the set up, I just slam forgot what it was that I thought was so funny. So, if you have not figured it out yet, I am stalling for time here trying to remember what it was that I so wanted to tell you. I may have to go back and read that funny story one more time to kick-start my memory. See, I told you that humor could most certainly slip quickly away and now here I am in the “let’s try to coach it back out” mode and stalling for time.
Oh! And how about some of those dead end questions like, “Hey, are ya still sleepin’ with your sister?” No matter how you answer it, well, it’s just all wrong and you look like a dummy. Oh you wascally wabbit! That’s it! That’s kinda the way I feel right now, like Elmer Fudd looking for Bugs Bunny! “Tarnation!”….sorry just slipped into Yosemite Sam for a sec…I wish I could think of what it was I wanted to tell ya. “Boy, I say Boy, don’t put too much pressure on yerself…it’s a joke son, a joke!” Dang, now I slidin’ into Foghorn Leghorn material!
Did I ever mention to you that at one time I had a photographic type memory. I knew all the jokes, all the poems, all the funny stuff. I could just hear it or look at it one time and it was there baby! Locked into my steel-trap of a mind for instantaneous recall on the spur of any moment that I might be either inspired on prodded into delivering some humorous bit of wisdom. Age is taking its toll as one can conclude of my dilemma here. Now I have a photogenic memory…it looks good on paper!
Well, I still can’t remember what it was that I wanted so badly to share with you. But, it was so funny….outrageously funny! I am about to wet my pants right now just recalling how funny it was and yet I cannot for the life of me remember what it was that I wanted so badly to share with you. Don’t that just bust your zipper!
Stan Fletcher and I are thinking about selling a kit on television that teaches you how to be funny in the privacy of your own home. Actually, we are going to give away the kit, you just pay a simple shipping and handling charge of $25. Of course, with the popularity of the package, we will be forced to limit the orders to one per household. With the kit you will get your own set of big rubber ears, a red spongy bozo nose, and a waxed handlebar moustache along with a CD with a full set of instructions on how to contort your face while delivering some of the really funny material we will include in the pamphlet that accompanies the kit. Of course this offer will not be available in stores.
Have you ever given any thought as to what was really going on when June Cleaver said to her husband, “Ward, I think there’s something wrong with the Beaver”. Granted, the Beaver was a whiner but he didn’t look ill. Now Eddie Haskell did refer to him as a “squirt” all the time so it could have been a self-esteem thing. You know Eddie was always telling Mrs. Cleaver how good she looked in those tight-waist dresses and those hot 4” high heels that she wore while making mash potatoes every night. You think Eddie might have been messin’ with the Beaver?
And what was going on with Captain Kangaroo and that farmer fellow, Mr. Green Jeans. It seemed as if the Captain had swallowed a canary the way he grinned especially with that funky haircut that he was sporting. And every time Green Jeans came around, it seemed like everyone got a little nervous and edgy. I know one thing for sure, Green Jeans was a little different than any of the farmers I know down at the cooperative. Regardless, I think Bunny Rabbit might have know more than he was telling and that is the reason the Captain was always tossing him a carrot.
That makes me think of those folks who were lost at sea on the little “Minnow” tour boat. You know that “Gilligan’s Island” show. For all the things those folks could think of and build, no one ever thought of trying to build a wood raft. They built just about anything but a raft. Then, again, had I been trapped there with Ginger and Mary Ann, I probably would have downplayed the raft idea anyway. Maybe all of them had a special reason for staying there. After all, the Captain did refer to Gilligan as his “little buddy”.
Well, it’s time to move on and give up this stall for time. As funny as that story I wanted to tell you was, I seem to have totally let it slip my mind and likely the only way it will come back to me is to quit trying to remember what I forgot. I am sorry that I took up so much of your time here but it really would have been a good laugh for you if you could have heard that story….Alas, some other day!
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