Painful Tears Part One

I sit alone in the school’s cafeteria as normal. It’s best that I stay away from people, but theres a lot of times that people don’t understand this. Either way people normally stay away from me to start with which is a major plus for me. My parents don’t take notice in anything I do anymore. Only person that fully takes notice in what I do is my little six year old sister that has no clue in hell what’s going on with me or even with what is going on within our own home. I feel bad for her.

Fact she has to hear the fighting every night. I hear her cry a lot and she runs around the house trying to find a place to hide. I don’t help, I just lock myself in my room and ignore the world. Then comes school in which I tried to lock myself away from the world even more because I just don’t care anymore. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. The people I use to hang out with, the activities that I use to enjoy doing. All gone, all gone and disappeared into this pain that I feel every day. As I said, doesn’t matter though. No one cares but what ever. I’ll continue on trying to make it on my own like ive done for 18 years of my God for saken life.

Anyways, where did I leave off, ah yes. Sitting alone in the cafeteria watching everyone. Tapping my water bottle I try to drowned out all the noise around me. Doesn't work, never does at school. Grinding my teeth I start to shake a bit. I completely freeze when she, she of all people sits down right in front of me at my lonely little table. Why why did Kara sit here, why is she even making contact with me? Thoughts continued to race through my head distracting me. The bottle slipped from my hand rolling off the table. I tried to get my head together and focus on the fact that someone was sitting infront of me and of all people it was the person I had feelings for but knew it would never happen.

So to see her sitting across from me shocked me. Put me into a frozen state. She continued to call my name but it didn’t click. Nothing did but the fact that everything was getting to me now. Only thing that fully clicked was to get up and run out of this damn school and head for home. Before she could even reach for my hand I got up and took off knocking my trey of food all over the place. Didnt care, only thing in mind was get the hell out of here. Before I could make it to the door of the cafeteria, some retarded ass football player trips me and I go sliding out the door instead. All I heard then was the laughter. The laughter of the entire commons area and cafeteria filled my head. Looking around at everyone my eyes fell to kara. She had giggled at this. Grinding my teeth I stood up and couldn’t control myself. One swift punch to the stupid jock I punched into his neck sending him to the floor. Before anyone could grab me I was out the cafeteria and out side the school heading home.

* * * *

I was happy to be in my safe place, my safe place in being my room. No one was home yet, well of course they werent. I was only noon when I ran away from the school. How great would that go over with any normally family? “OH MY! You ran away from school after sending some kid to the hospital! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?” Thats how normally families would handle it. Mine mine wouldn’t. “So he hit someone so what. Not Our Problem.” Thats how mine would handle it. Well, dad would. Moms scared of him and she has good reason to be. I just dont interfere. I find it best to keep to myself. So, how do I handle most days? Pretty much just like I handled this one just not hitting someone. That was a first for me but I couldn’t control myself. Making sure the door was shut, I started to blare my ipod drowned out anything that possibly could try and reach me.

Not sure how many hours passed of me just sitting there listening to music. I just know that it was dark and when the song begin to change, I could tell everyone was home. I could hear my sister running around. I could hear the yelling of my father and the screaming of my mom. Then came the typical crash and breaking sounds. I played the loudest song I could to ignore everything. Finally everything just got to me. Just like every night. Taking the switch blade that I owned, I raised my sleeve. Fully sitting against my wall on my bed, I took the blade swift and deep across my forearm. Closing my eyes I felt the pain over come me and put me into a type of trance that not even I could explain to everyone. The bloody slowly ran down my arm like every night. I ran the blade across my arm once more. The pain over whelm me. I began to become dizzy and before I knew it, I ran the blade deeper into my arm. Then everything went black.

* * * *

Sounds of crying and the feel of tugging on my sleeve woke me. In a instant I froze when my little sister Lee was on my bed engulfed in tears. She continued to ask why ask what did I do what happened. She couldn’t control herself. Covering myself with my jacket, I wrapped my arms around my little sister. I closed my eyes. This was the last thing she needed to see. This is the last thing I wanted her to see. I tried to calm her but she wouldn’t calm. Looking at the clock, I told her to get her things. It was time to leave for school. She just shook her head. Lee wouldn’t even look at me. Once she left I removed the jacket and cleaned myself up. Throwing on my black hoody, I checked up and Lee. She had her things on the kitchen table not speaking to anyone. Putting my army around her I walked her out to the car. As usual mom already left for work and dad was passed out on the couch wasted. Just shook my head.

In the car Lee seemed distant to me. Everyone close to her was hurting her. In some way all this was destroying her. Grinding my teeth I held back the tears on the trip to her school. Once at the school, she didn’t get out. Lee just sat there fiddling with her fingers. Glancing at Lee, I reached over and held her. “Everything will be better soon..I promise” I tried sounding reassuring. Well, sense she is only six It was easy to convince her. She let out a small smile and exited the car. I waved to her as she walked through the doors. Taking a breath, it was time for me to deal with my school. The thought of that sickened me. Either way, I had to.

* * * *

Walking the halls, everyone just watched me. I could hear the gossip of the events that took part yesterday. Biting my tongue I pushed by everyone. Once in the Drama class room, I sat in the back of the room like I normally do. Good thing about this teacher is, they didn’t care if you listen to your ipod. I gladly took advantage of this every day. I started to lose myself in my music failing to notice everyone entering the room and class began. Looking out the window, I couldn’t help but remember the look on my sister’s face. I couldn’t forget the sounds of her crying, I couldn’t forget the sight of her tears. All this was bounding down on my soul, if I had one. I began to grind my teeth.

Then I felt it. I began to get dizzy. My arms began to burn worse than they ever have when I’ve cut. Grabbing both my arms, I tried to ignore the burning pain. I tried to ignore the pain that was being sent through my entire body. Doubling over in my desk, I tried to get up from it but before I knew it was going down on one knee. That’s when things started to go black. I couldn’t see anything, but I could still hear my ipod going. An ear bud must have been pulled out because I heard Kara’s voice. She continued to talk to me, continuing to ask if I’m okay. She continued to try and talk to me and keep me calm while I heard Ms. Smith yelling for everyone to get the school nurse. Trying to keep my grip tight on my sleeves, they were soon pried off and my sleeves lifted. Kara gasped. I could only imagine the look on her face. I still couldn’t see as the entire vision fully blacked out and the pain took over.

* * * *

Last thing I remember was falling in the floor. I didn’t remember how I ended up at the hospital. I didn’t remember any of it. I looked around the room in a confused state of mind. Several people were in the room. People from school, several teachers and even the principle was there. I felt a tug on the hospital clothes. Lee stood at my side. She broke out in tears. For the first time in a long time I began to cry. I didn’t know what this feeling coming over me was. Kara placed her hand on mine and I was stunned. Her family was talking with the doctors. I didn’t see my parents anywhere but that actually doesn’t surprise me. Laid my head back and tried to control the feelings I was experiencing.,

I felt like getting up from this bed and running away from everything, but something stopped me from doing so. This is something that I never expected. Just the fact that a few people showed they cared kept me from doing anything stupid at this very moment. Kara soothing my sister while her parents softly talked to me, told me everything was going to be okay. That nothing was going to happen to me nor my sister. They were acting like the parents we should have had all our life’s. I started to tear up. I didn’t want to cry, defiantly not in front of them, but they simple explain that at times its best to cry. Doesn’t matter who you’re around, just as long as you have a comforting shoulder to lean your head against, a caring shoulder in which they were offering.

Everyone waited patiently waiting for what the doctors had to say. Either way I wasn’t sure if I could fully face my little sister when we leave this place. Yes we are here together at the hospital but it will be a different sorry when we are actually home, home alone together. Grinding my teeth I finally had the strength to fully sit up. Kara kept my sister in her arms. I wish I knew what to say but I didn’t. Every time I tried saying something I simple chocked up. Felt like a brick was clogging my throat allowing nothing to come out and even making it difficult to even take one single breath. Kara simply put a finger to her lips silencing me before I said anything stupid. I took a breath and closed my eyes. The doctor entered the room. His words echoed joy around the room. How could it be join in my mind? Guess id find out later. Either way Kara’s family was happy with the words he spoke. He was clearing me from the hospital and putting me in their care for the night sense no one was able to get ahold of my own my family.

I swear my family was confusing me and causing me to lose it. The thought of me losing my mind, I had to shake it off the entire care ride to Kara’s house. Her parents made it clear that there was no way my sister and I were going back to our house. Not with what was going on. Once at Kara’s house, kara led my sister to a her room. I knew for fact my sister wouldn’t be able to sleep alone. Thats why kara was letting her stay in her room with her. As for me, I sat on the window seal looking out into the night time. The night, I felt as if I was apart of it. Different from everything around it, cold from time to time, a chilling breeze that just simply blew past everything known to man. I shook my head to fight of the tears. Im so confused. My heads racing, racing more then ever now.

Yes its always raced, but not this bad. Im starting to get headaches that make my body feel weak and ill. Trying to control my breathing, I shivered. This shiver was over thrown by Mrs. Winstroms warm caring arms. She continued to insist that everything was going to be ok now, everything was going to change and my sister and I would be livirng better life’s now. Just, it seemed so hard to be true. I was having so many issues trusting what she was saying and trusting if everything was going to be different. Mr. Winstrom leaned against the wall watching me. Watching as if I was bond to do something stupid, something to harm this family that has taken us in, something to harm myself further. Ha, hell I wouldn’t blame him. I could tell in his eyes he didn’t trust me.

To tell you the truth no one should trust me. No one should trust a ticking time bomb because there’s no telling when that ticking time bomb would go off. Mr. Winstrom finally made the comment that tomorrow I’d have to explain everything. Explain why I did these things to myself and explain the situation back home. I just nodded. I knew if I talked about it nothing would get better no matter what anyone said. Once my father was to get wind of our family’s personal business being let out he would come from me. Biting my lip I allowed Mrs. Winstrom to lead me to their guest room. “We will be down the hall if you need anything dear,” she said in a smoothing voice. Once in the room I left the lights off, checked the window to make sure it was locked and then shut the door behind me. Laying back on the bed I closed my eyes...

* * * *

Coldness flowing across my body, the feeling of sweat running all over my body: I jerked up breathing heavily giving out a short yell. Kara’s entire family came rushing in the room. A dream, a dream that I couldn’t remember but I knew it was bad. I knew it because of the cold dead sweat I woke up in. Too many times have I woke up like this. Its another thing that continues to plague my mind.

Something that I cant seem to rid my self. Its as if somethings crawling in my skin, continuing to put me in a constant fear confusing me. Confusing me on whats real and what is just a dream. Kara sat down next to me wrapping her arm around me and pulling me close. “Its hunting me,” I started, “hunting me on how I cant find myself again.” Ill admit I actually cried at that moment. It was a time I couldn’t hold any of it back. I wont lie, it felt good actually. Felt good to have a change in my life at that very moment. Just, wasn’t a feeling I was really use to anymore.

Not sue what time it really was, but I knew it must still have been late because Kara was trying to get me to lay back down so she could get back to bed. Her parents were the same as well. But in all honesty, I didn’t want to be left alone. I was afraid to be alone. My soul was still bleeding and trying to fully open up. Trying to turn me into the person I should have been from the start. The person that should have took charge of this family and kicked my father out long ago instead of allow this family so many years of suffering. I closed my eyes, ensured them id be fine right now and that they should go back and rest.

None of them were actually convinced. It was easy to tell that they were all nervous. “I promised Im fine,” I stated. Mr. Winstrom didn’t was anytime on the invention. He quickly headed back to his bedroom. Mrs. Winstrom soon followed. Kara just stood at the door way. She didn’t know wether to stay or to go. She didn’t want to leave me alone. I told her to go, but she hesitated then finally left the room shutting the door behind her. I got up and stood at the window looking out it. I bit my lip. I was beginning to hurt this family. I knew I was. I had to go, I had to get out of here. Most important I had to go and see if mother was alright. I knew if I left my sister she would be fine. I knew she would. She was with a caring family right now and that’s what she needed right now. I knew what I had to do even if people wouldn’t accept my decision, but it had to be done. Throwing my jacket back on, I snuck out the window and headed down the dark street. I was heading to the one place that I never thought id want to ever head back to, and that was my house.

* * * *