Sometimes what bothers you are blessing in disguise.
What you can hear can blind you. It can snatch every single motivation to destroy the faith in you. Every one of us has our purpose, those who already know are lucky and for us who are lost are struggling on our own. But what if there is something valuable waiting to be discovered beneath this noise? Maybe we have to free our ears to hear, understand, reflect and analyze them. Noise is sound, and sound can create music. Know your noise for you to know your music.
Pause if it's too much. Strengthen your faith. Live because it's a blessing!
How was the noise?
Fingers tapping on the keyboard, printer working on a document, phone ringing, someone talking through their phone, people chatting, door and elevator open and close, footsteps and things moving on tables even those dropped on the floor are usually bustling office noise.
Moving and honking cars, people in group, couple and alone either walking or sitting on the side bench, music from different stores are the noise as you go outside.
Is it stressful?
Or is there another noise that bothers you so much it delayed your sleep at night and getting up as the day start?
I started to hear these noises when I turned 25:
1. Does pursuing a post-graduate degree a wrong choice? Because the majority of my high school mates who didn't do the same thing is earning a lot than I am. The pressure, expenses, time and effort you extended after a baccalaureate degree to increase the possibility of getting hired, be qualified to several job positions with a better salary, and be part of a well known and stable company yet they still on top and ahead of you.
2. Asking myself all over, if I have the right profession or do I have to change because everyone wants a fulfilling and rewarding job. A job that can pay me to travel, eat any foods I am craving, buy gadgets and save aside from surviving all the monthly bills and family responsibilities. A company that can send me to training to get my technical skills honed and offer job stability or security of tenure after a great performance.
3. Is my love life cursed? Because most of the people of the same age as me or younger around me are getting married, pregnant, raising their children and taking care of their own family while my long term partner left me when we supposed to have one.
4. Where does my most earned money go? Some have their own house, car, small business, and bank savings while I’ve got debts inherited from my parents. It didn’t bother me before, investing something for my future because all I know is to help my parents out from all of their payables.
5. Can I still have the opportunity to turn the table? Because this time, I want to make things right, I want to allot something for myself and balance everything trying to cope up with I think I missed or lost.
Yes, all of these noises kept bugging me every day. It comes to a point that it’s hard for me to properly sleep at night, feel lazy to get up, lost my appetite, a robot following a scripted day, doubting myself and goals I had once faded.
These noises put me in a halt. I didn't renew my contract as a College Instructor, imprisoned myself in my darkroom pushing people away, I wanted to be alone, to cry on my own and not to think anything at all because it is losing what’s left in me, my faith.
I became weary of crying and self-pitying. A lot of words were floating inside my mind and a variety of emotions is giving me pain I didn't know how to endure. I get up and sit on my bed, saw my old notebook and find myself reading the poems I wrote before. It gave me the desire to write at that moment, to pull all the floating words and emotions together, to reveal those hidden noises people are unaware of.
That poem lifted some of my burdens, so I wrote more. Enough that I can get out of my room faced my worrying parents and siblings. I started to entertain messages from my friends who stayed and never get tired motivating me and students who kept on sending their thank you messages for being a great part of their College life and the learning I imparted them that had to help them to be where and who they are now.
It was overwhelming making me realize that I have a noble profession inspiring young people to strive more to achieve their dreams. I didn't have any investment but contributed to changing my students' lives to be better. My post-graduate degree lessons was never a waste because it is what I taught them.
If I slacked off further, I will never meet the right person for me and build my own family. That I should not stop because I can still make a change. I discovered my strength in writing and found out the best things I did. That you can only probably stop when you're six feet under. Instead, take a pause when things become tough for you to reflect, analyze and recharge.
These are the best things to do when at pause:
1. Surround yourself with people who keep motivating and cheering you on. Words are powerful most especially if they come from people who know and understand you better.
2. Reroute yourself from thinking about what you failed to do into what you accomplished. Not everyone can do what you did and congratulate yourself for that.
3. Find things you want to do and most enjoyed, maybe you can use it as a tool to release what is bothering you inside. Pamper yourself, clear your mind and participate in different physical activities so you will be exhausted, ready to sleep at night.
4. Stop comparing yourself to others because you have your own pace and purpose. It is not a competition of who knows and gets ahead first. Don't envy because there might be people praying things you have, be grateful.
5. Don't abandon yourself. You only have yourself when creating tough decisions, crying in too much pain and downfall. Anyone can leave but you won't.
6. You cannot turn back the time but you can create the future, use your present to turn the table in your favor.
Do you think you can start again? Then have faith that you are a better version of yourself now and live what tough times had taught you. Don’t be afraid to repeat the cycle because there is always a masterpiece concealing under.
The noises that bother me before are now poems and song lyrics full of rhymes, melodies and meaning that I can dance with. Instead of classifying them as a source of pain, I am using them to be the content of my writing, words full of emotions that can create connections to my readers.
Don't be hard on yourself. Life is a blessing so live!
© 2020 Bellie Grace Gomez