ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Peter Petrakov's Magical Bathroom Adventure

Updated on December 13, 2020



“” Peter whined to himself as he rushed into the enclosed restroom stall. He pulled his pants down and sat onto the abnormally cold stainless steel toilet seat. Oh why did he have to eat all that spicy fried food at the state fair? Somehow his sensitive stomach managed all that terrible food, and made it all the way back to the Arapaho DART station before his bowels suddenly decided they wanted to evacuate.

“Come on...” Peter grunted, as he prepared for the fury. He abused the digestive gods, and now the day of reckoning was upon him. The entire room was made of stainless steel with plastic accents, and an odor of disinfectant hung in the air. While a small single-room lavatory at a public transit stop in Richardson wasn’t a very sanitary place to do his business, Peter knew that this was pristine compared to the sometimes-free public restrooms he saw in the Vladivostok slums where he grew up.

“AAAARRGH!” Peter roared as he did something quite reprehensible to the stainless steel toilet bowl. I won’t go into detail about the evacuation, as there are some things that are better left unknown, and you might be eating lunch right now at one of those quaint little sidewalk cafes that are scattered all over whatever metro area you happen to be in, and it would terribly ruin the meals of the people around you if you were to suddenly toss your cookies all over the table. However, considering this is a story about a man in a public lavatory then you probably shouldn’t read this while eating. Anyway, back to the story.

“Bozhe moy,” Peter muttered as he sighed with relief. The first part was over. He wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead, and tried to calm his furiously pounding heart. With each beat of his heart he felt the arteries in his arms, legs, and head swell. Slowly and gradually the excitement died down. Peter leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. He was feeling rather worn out from that whole ordeal, and buried his face in his palms. He was very tired, and while he was pretty sure he was finished evacuating he wasn’t ready to tackle the whole ordeal of wiping his nether regions. Suddenly there was a rapping on the door.

“Sir, you been in there for a while! Are you okay in there?” the voice of a friendly DART transit center attendant shouted through the steel door.

“F-FINE!” Peter shouted back.

“Sir, you can’t sleep in there!”

“I am not sleeping! I am pooping!” Peter shouted again hoping to appease the transit employee. Peter buried his face in his palms again, and for a brief moment he was at peace despite his unpleasant surroundings.

“...hello...” a faint voice spoke out.

Peter paid no attention to the disturbance.

“...hello...Peter,” the voice said a little louder in an high English accent.

Maybe it was calling another Peter.

“Peter Petrakov! Arise from your bowl!” the voice commanded. Peter reacted to the authoritative voice and promptly jumped to his feet. He was never in the Russian military, but he was well trained from constantly having to deal with abusive police officers back in Mother Russia.

“Look alive, gentlemen!” the high nasal voice spoke the Queen’s English. Peter turned around to see a trio of tiny soldiers on his toilet bowl. Their uniforms were red and white, reminiscent of Victorian-era British soldiers. They saluted Peter as they stood diligently and perfectly erect.

“Wh-what?” Peter was dumbfounded. Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe the excessive amount of fried foods he ate were laced with hallucinogenic drugs.
The three soldiers dropped their arms to their sides.

“Peter Petrakov!” the leader spoke.

“How do you know my name?” Peter whimpered.

“We know many things, Peter. We learn much in the annals of history, recorded in the lavatories of the people. I am Sir John Harington and, we are the Guardians of the Bowl. Wherever evil lurks in the sewers of mankind we shall hunt it down and destroy it in service to our Lord.”

“You fight bad guys in toilet?” Peter asked.

“Yes, Peter!” the proud patron of poo proclaimed. “We are currently fighting a brutal war with our sworn enemy, the dreaded Montezuma! We won a small battle by destroying his base in Central America, but he has enacted his revenge and this has been a terrible blow to morale for my men. But I digress. The reason we came to you is we need your help. We believe that you hold the key to winning this war. Join us, Peter. You can lead my army to victory.”

This had to be the most ridiculous story Peter ever heard. Why did his life constantly have to revolve around the bathroom in some way? Did his father upset a Slavic deity somewhere in the old country, and he’s seeing the repercussions of those actions?

“I do not like poo,” Peter said.

“Peter, please. We need you,” the little person proclaimed. “Help us and we can help you. You wish to know the mysteries that have been washed away in history? We can answer these questions for you. You wish to know your own history? We can give you the answers you seek about your dark and mysterious past.”

Peter was tired of this petty officer’s plea.

“I do not like poo, and I do not like you,” Peter said as he hit the flush valve.

“No. No! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” and the trio of tiny soldiers were sucked down to the sewer along with whatever terrible tribulation Peter produced in the polluted privy. Peter finished cleaning up, made himself look presentable, and went back out into somewhat normal society.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)