- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Pigeons. And Why They Make Great Pets
Pets. Life's Not The Same
Living in a city and a foreign country means I’m without my cat. However, I’m pragmatic by nature and put some thought into how to get round this issue. And it came to me … Lo’ as if by the Hand of Frog. Pigeons. Make perfect pets.
And I'm going to tell you why.
Pigeons As Pets
I happened upon this because ultimately I need a low maintenance pet. A no mess no fuss low cost beast. Something that wouldn’t require a lot of input. And wouldn’t have a horrible smoking habit
My answer arrived in the shape of two pigeons. A married couple. And yes – all pigeons are married couples. Single pigeons do occur but that’s not intentional. It’s only ever because they’re widowed. In case you were wondering.
Pigeon society is fully geared towards strong partnerships. No one gets left on the shelf. Everyone gets a free apartment. Free food. And the right to vote. It’s flocking brilliant.
Pigeonry in motion is a beautiful thing.
Pigeon. Mating. Stuff.
Anyway – I digress. My pigeons. They landed on my sill one day. They drew my attention because they were engaged in lewd behaviour. He wanted her. She wanted him.
I was idly fascinated. I’d never admit to being fully fascinated because no doubt that points to some kind of deviant behaviour. And I’m a lot of things.
But I’m not into pigeon porn.
Sex. Women. And Birds.
And so there they were. Flirting and flapping. Him all amorous. Her twice as much - but feigning innocence. It’s a wimmin thing guys. We want you. We don’t. We do. We don’t.
We do. We do. We do. Only we like to make you wonder.
It’s a girl/bird thing. Chicks. You know?
Pet Names. Always Appropriate.
It was right around this point that I named them. She suddenly decided to full on signal she was ready. And that’s when he chose to bugger off. I shouted 'you bastard' at him. And accused her of being too much of a primadonna.
I threw her a cheap consolation prize – though this didn’t have the desired effect. She didn’t want bread. She wanted … something else. She also looked hot and bothered so I thought I’d help her.
I popped the fan near the window and switched it on to cool her down. Unfortunately I blew her off the sill.
Madonna And YB
After a day or two Madonna and You Bastard returned. I think they’d got over their tiff. They whispered and giggled and he did some fine and fancy strutting. Life was – a little less peckish.
From this point, I developed an understanding twixt me and my pigeon pets. I fed them, they played nice – and only ever crapped on the Zombie/passing cars/everywhere else – and never around/by/on me.
Madonna. Number Two That Is
Having grown rather fond of them and because they are fully aware that I hold dominion (mentioned a time of two … I’m a benevolent Frog) we three [now] get along just fine. You Bastard understands that slapping his chick about isn’t cool and Madonna has learned that flashing her junk and being too demanding doesn’t get you anywhere fast.
Unless of course you’re the 2ndreal Madonna … not the mother of Big J guys – the modern day singer/songwriter/material girl.
And so, this brings me nicely to my inventory. Reasons why pigeons make great pets:
- They’re part time pets. Kennels and catteries (or nice neighbours) not required at vacation time
- They don’t pee on your plants or crap in the bathtub
- They’re not choosy about what they eat. Kibble/ bread crumbs … they’ll take whatever you’re offering
- They never sneak into your bed
- Or shopping bags
- They’re self grooming
- Make no attempt to assassinate anything smaller than they
- And don’t chew the table legs
- They don’t need flea powder
- Or expensive trips to the vet
- They never hump your grannies leg
- Sit under the table while you’re eating
- Or drink from the toilet
Come to think of it ... pigeons have far higher standards/abilities than your average domestic pet. Cats notwithstanding. Cats aren't really pets are they? They're extra terrestrials in furry form. You didn't know that.
Did you? Another hub. Another day ...
No One Reported Ford. And This WAS Cruel.
And they absolutely never:
- Or want to play scrabble
Yes guys. Pigeon pets rock. Grab yourself a one. Or two (they come in pairs … ) They’re abundant. They’re a whole lot of fun. And when you’re really bored of them and decide to stop taking care of them … or move … or change your mind and want a pet rock or something …
… You’ll find that no one reports you for cruelty to animals. In fact – no one will even notice/ show interest/ give a monkey’s.
Frog fact #66