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Quotations for Laughs #36 --- Marriage Licenses

Updated on March 8, 2011

Marriage License Jokes

Any guy who thinks he’s marrying the girl of his dreams should get a mirage license.

—Don Rodney, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Jan. 13, 1952.

Courting is probably the only sport where the animal that gets caught has to buy the license.

—Jewell Ball, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Nov. 9, 1971.

Marriage: Love-in with a license.

—Chuck Norman, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., May 13, 1968.

Chain store: A place where you buy a marriage license.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 20, 1957.

Marriage license: A hunting permit that entitles you to one dear at a time.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Oct. 9, 1963.

We'd probably be more careful if marriage licenses expired each year like license plates.

Chicago Heights Star, Chicago Heights, Ill., March 21, 1958.

An optimist showed up at the courthouse the other day to find out when his marriage license would expire.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 13, 1965.

Many women think that a marriage license automatically becomes a master's degree.

—Dan Bennett, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Dec. 7, 1960.

People who are rejected by life insurance companies have no trouble getting marriage licenses.

—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American Press, Lake Charles, La., March 7, 1936.

Cost of marriage license: A small down payment and your salary for the rest of your life.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Aug. 8, 1942.

Sign over door of marriage license bureau: "The Bureau of Kissing Persons."

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 3, 1969.

Marriage license: A lottery ticket.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Oct. 6, 1944.

Sign on door of marriage license bureau: "Out to lunch. Think it over."

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Oct. 13, 1959.

Marriage license: A license to begin telling a man the real truth about himself--and to stop telling a woman ANYTHING!

—Helen Rowland, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., June 19, 1928.

Marriage license: union card.

—Frank Tyger, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., July 11, 1971.

Someone ought to devise a special marriage license for the movie people--one with a divorce coupon attached.

—Olin Miller, Daily Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., July 17, 1936.

Marriage was the beginning of the installment plan. The ring and the license down, then all of your salary each week for the rest of your life.

—Hamilton G. Park, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Sept. 12, 1930.

Bachelors are not afraid of the fee for a marriage license, but are frightened by the prospect of the steady payments that follow.

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Oct. 8, 1967.

Bachelor: A man who won’t put his autograph on a marriage license.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, April 14, 1958.

Some women seem to think that a marriage certificate is a lecture license.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Feb. 2, 1905.

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