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Quotations for Laughs #43 --- Baseball
Batter swings on the ball and bat flies out of his hand and the third baseman picks it up and throws it to first. Who is out?
Answer: The first baseman. When will the funeral be?
—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, June 27, 1925.
A baseball manager has a harder job than is apparent to fans who see him on the coaching line with nothing to do except clap his hand.
—Jack Warwick, Toledo Blade, Toledo, Ohio, March 20, 1941.
Tightwad [a woman's definition]: The kind of a man who thinks a diamond is where you play baseball.
—Jeanne Lohr, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 7, 1951.
Stealing ahead in traffic is like stealing bases in baseball–doesn’t mean a thing till you’re safe at home.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., June 30, 1965.
Some umpires call 'em as if they see 'em.
—Frank O'Brien, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, Sept. 3, 1957.
Women are like baseball umpires. They make quick decisions, never reverse them and they don’t think you’re safe when you’re out.
—Howard C. “Buck” Herzog, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Sept. 25, 1961.
Batting from either right or left is a rare talent in baseball. In politics switch-hitters are common.
—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., June 27, 1935.
Intentional strikeout: To keep a weak batter from hitting into a double play.
—John K. Young, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Sept. 18, 1977.
To get an umpire to change his mind he would have to be elected by direct vote of the people.
—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Sept. 3, 1938.
Don’t count your base hits until you’ve rounded first.
—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, July 23, 1924.
There was a time when baseball could take our minds off the world’s problems. We don’t know whether it was because the baseball was better than today or the problems not as bad.
—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 1968.
A man may be down, but he’s never out, unless the umpire says so.
—John Mooney, Salt Lake Telegram, Salt Lake City, Utah, April 12, 1948.
The umpire has earned his importance in sport. For if it wasn't for the umpire the greatest alibi ever arranged would never have developed.
—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Aug. 27, 1915.
Some ball fans want rain checks when it drizzles in the last inning of a doubleheader.
—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Aug. 11, 1928.
If a full box score of every man's life were published daily there would be extremely few with nerve enough to knock a ball player who had made only three errors.
—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., July 31, 1920.
The only "kick" some people get out of a ball game is the kicking they aim at the umpire.
—Ivy Clough Johnson, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., Aug. 25, 1927.
It would never do to let road builders construct ball parks. They'd be sure to make detours between the bases.
—W.A. MacKenzie, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., March 27, 1927.
No matter where they seat you at a ball game, you're always located between the hot dog peddler and his best customer.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 2, 1963.
Baseball players and lawyers differ. Lawyers like to sit on the bench.
—St. Petersburg Times, St. Petersburg, Fla., June 4, 1922.
Lovers at a ball game would naturally prefer the squeeze play.
—W.A. MacKenzie, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., July 22, 1927.
Good or bad, the umpires, so we are told, never get a hand. But they often get a fist.
—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, July 4, 1924.
Don’t be too rough on your umpire. Maybe his ulcer is acting up again, his corns half killing him, or perhaps he has a toothache.
—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, June 22, 1949.
Umpire: A man who decides base brawls.
—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Aug. 29, 1958.
Umpire–Guessing machine used in sports.
—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, March 31, 1954.