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Quotations for Laughs #45 --- Teachers & Students

Updated on March 8, 2011

Teacher & Student Jokes

A school teacher was patiently explaining to her class about Congress. “There is the House,” she said. “Now what is the other part of Congress called? There came a small voice, hopefully: “The Garage.”

—Howard C. “Buck” Herzog, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., June 9, 1956.

The kids who butter up the teacher may end up with a cheaper grade spread.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., April 12, 1966.

School days can be the happiest days of your life–provided, of course, your children are old enough to go.

—Jean Farris, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Sept. 25, 1966.

When my kid was a baby and came home one day from first grade, I said, "How did you do, darling?" She said, "Not so good, Daddy– they told me I have to go back tomorrow."

—Jack Wakefield, Parade, New York, N.Y., Jan. 21, 1962.

The first thing a student has to learn in high school and college is that making the grade and getting the grades aren’t always the same thing.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., May 6, 1965.

One thing mothers wish their children wouldn't learn the first month of school is how much allowance the other kids get.

—Floyd R. Miller, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 4, 1955.

A kindergarten teacher is a woman who knows how to make little things count.

—Selma Glasser, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., March 19, 1972.

Any parent or teacher can tell you that when a child isn't difficult, he's probably trying.

—Francis O. Walsh, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, Feb. 22, 1955.

Sign in a school zone: "Drive carefully. Acute shortage of teachers."

—Bennett Cerf, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 6, 1960.

Highway sign: "School Zone–Silent Prayers Only."

—Fletcher Knebel, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 8, 1962.

Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Tommy: "I was just following the signs."

Teacher: "What signs?"

Tommy: "The one that says 'School ahead; go slow.'"

—Peg Murray, Parade, New York, N.Y., Aug. 10, 1969.

Students gain little by burning the candle at both ends unless it makes their outlook brighter.

Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Jan. 19, 1951.

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, and others just gargle.

—Clifton N. Memmott, Uintah Basin Standard, Roosevelt, Utah, July 7, 1960.

Today's disadvantaged student is one who can't get parking space on the campus.

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., July 21, 1971.

Schoolboy in geography class: “The principal export of the United States is money.”

Pioneer, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 9, 1949.

Friend of ours says he asked his first grade daughter what her favorite subject was in school. “Cafeteria,” she replied.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Dec. 7, 1955.

From a freshman’s history examination paper: “Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife.”

Mississippi Spectator, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., April 10, 1949.

School teacher: One who takes a lot of live wires and sees that they are well grounded.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Oct. 6, 1953.

Lecture: An instructive lullaby.

Illinois Wesleyan Argus, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Feb. 20, 1949.

Teacher: “Can you give the class an example of wasted effort?”

Student: “Telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.”

Covered Wagon, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., May 23, 1948.

Trumpet teacher: Tooter tuter.

—Shelby Friedman, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Nov. 19, 1971.

Grammar teacher: A champion of lost causes.

—Art Nelson, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Dec. 8, 1974.

A tattletale is a school pigeon.

—Henry Leabo, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Jan. 9, 1968.

The bored of education: children who hate school.

The Independent, New York, N.Y., March 18, 1875.

A school principal says children should be given credit for their own ideas. Does that include playing hookey?

Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Dec. 2, 1951.

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