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Quotations for Laughs #66 ---Sermons (Preaching)

Updated on March 8, 2011

Sermon (Preaching) Jokes

A sermon can help people in different ways. Some rise from it greatly enlightened; others wake from it refreshed.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Dec. 6, 1965.

A good sermon is one that goes over your head and hits a neighbor.

Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Nov. 8, 1968.

People who listen to a sermon with half an ear must think it’s possible to get halfway to heaven.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Aug. 16, 1965.

People who never give more than chicken feed to the church are the first to complain if they don't get chicken pie in every sermon.

Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Aug. 7, 1904.

It is much easier to listen to a sermon than it is to live one.

—Carey Williams, Beaumont Enterprise, Beaumont, Texas, Aug. 11, 1965.

Is the person who files the sermons in the church office the sacredtary?

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., March 12, 1980.

Ichthyology–Poor sermons.

—D.G. Park, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., March 12, 1978.

A sermon, like a hard hit baseball, would be easier to catch if it weren't for its sting.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 10, 1962.

Sermon: A monologue with a stained window.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 14, 1964.

No woman can help a man live down his past by constantly digging it up and delivering a sermon over it.

—Helen Rowland, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., July 30, 1929.

You cannot make whipping cream by lashing up a skimmed milk sermon.

—Henry F. Cope, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Sept. 25, 1910.

It is easy to plug your enemy full of holes when you make him out of mud and set him up before you in a sermon.

—Henry F. Cope, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Oct. 17, 1909.

It is much harder to live a good sermon than it is to preach one.

—Carey Williams, Beaumont Enterprise, Beaumont, Texas, Dec. 12, 1965.

Why is a sermon delivered on board a ship like a necklace? Because it is a deck-oration.

Youth's Companion, Boston, Mass., Dec. 29, 1864.

Monologue: A sermon that is usually forgotten because it is too long.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Jan. 10, 1945.

About the only attraction death has for a stingy man is the prospect of a free funeral sermon.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Feb. 4, 1912.

Do not preach a long funeral sermon every time you bury one of your grudges.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, June 1, 1904.

Taking all in all, there is not merely as much satisfaction in sleeping through a radio sermon.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, June 11, 1936.

While preaching silence to others, don't talk too much.

Amboy News, Amboy, Ill., Feb. 6, 1892.

He who does not preach with what he is will never persuade with what he says.

—Henry F. Cope, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., June 20, 1909.

If you shout it from the housetops, you are preaching over the heads of your hearers.

Saturday Evening Post, Philadelphia, Pa., Jan. 2, 1909.

To succeed–preach less, pray more and push most.

—W.A. MacKenzie, Florida Times-Union, Jacksonville, Fla., April 9, 1925.

Sermon: Moralogue.

—Arnold Glasow, quoted in Wall Street Journal, New York, N.Y., Oct. 27, 1969.

The dignified old lady, a pillar of the community and the congregation, shook hands with the pastor after services were over. “Wonderful sermon,” she told him. “Everything you said applies to somebody I know.”

—Herm Albright, quoted in Wall Street Journal, New York, N.Y., Nov. 13, 1969.

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