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Funny Quotes About Men

Updated on August 24, 2018

Men and women vary in their thinking in many ways, yet just like women have an understanding of one another, so do men. Men have a totally different understanding of the English language than women, sometimes a much simplier way of viewing the world.

Quotes for Men is a collection of all the best quotes from a variety of sources. Hope you enjoy reading only the most popular and witty quotes on men....

For women to better understand the male language, and a good laugh, check out the Men's Dictionary section of this article for a translation of many phrases that men say to women.

Men's Dictionary

~ I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind. ~

  • Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

~ I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.~

  • Translation: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

~ It's a guy thing. ~

  • Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

~ That's interesting, dear.~

  • Translation: "Are you still talking?"

~ You know how bad my memory is. ~

  • Translation: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

~ Oh, Don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal. ~

  • Translation: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

~ Can I help with dinner? ~

  • Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

~ I can't find it. ~

  • Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

~ I heard you. ~

  • Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

~ What did I do this time?~

  • Translation: "What did you catch me at?"

~ It would take too long to explain. ~

  • Translation: "I have no idea how it works."

~ You look terrific. ~

  • Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

~ Take a break honey, You're working too hard. ~

  • Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

~ You know I could never love anyone else. ~

  • Translation: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

~ I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. ~

  • Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again."

~ Author Unknown ~

~ A man's kiss is his signature.~ Mae West

~ The best thing about a man is his dog. ~ Proverb

~ It is difficulties that show what men are. ~ Epictetus

~ A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. ~ Lana Turner

~ Men are easy to get but hard to keep. ~ Mae West

~ Truth sits upon the lips of dying men. ~ Matthew Arnold

~ Men tire themselves in pursuit of rest. ~ Laurence Sterne

~ Men blaspheme what they do not know. ~ Blaise Pascal

~ Neutral men are the devil's allies. ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

~ Men often act knowingly against their interest. ~ David Hume

~ Men play the game; women know the score. ~ Roger Woddis

~ Men are what their mothers made them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Men are not punished for their sins, but by them. ~ Elbert Hubbard

~ Men are born equal but they are also born different. ~ Erich Fromm

~ Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. ~ Herodotus

~ When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~ S.A. Sachs

~ Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves. ~ Gene Fowler

~ Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. ~ Kin Hubbard

~ Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be. ~ Anonymous

~ Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ~ Billy Crystal

~ Men are all alike, except the one you've met who's different. ~ Mae West

~ Men are equal; it is not birth but virtue that makes the difference. ~ Voltaire

~ A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~ Phyllis Diller

~ Men tend to feel threatened; women tend to feel guilty. ~ Edwin Louis Cole

~ If it can't be fixed by duct tape or WD-40, it's a female problem. ~ Jason Love

~ A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position. ~ Oscar Wilde

~ The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. ~ Leonardo da Vinci

~ It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~ Frederick Douglass

~ Men give away nothing so liberally as their advice. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

~ We should weep for men at their birth, not at their death. ~ Charles de Montesquieu

~ The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough. ~ Germaine Greer

~ A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself as a liar. ~ Mark Twain

~ It is the ignorant and childish part of man that is the fighting part. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~ Lois Wyse

~ Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself. ~Francis Meehan

~ One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. ~ George Bernard Shaw

~ When a man of forty falls in love with a girl of twenty, it isn't her youth he is seeking but his own. ~ Lenore Coffee

~ The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. ~ David Brinkley

~ One must judge men not by their opinions, but by what their opinions have made of them. ~ Georg C. Lichtenberg

~ When men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions; their reasons are always different. ~ George Santayana

~ Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~ Robert Byrne

~ The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

~ Passion makes idiots of the cleverest men, and makes the biggest idiots clever. ~Francois de La Rochefoucauld

~ Men are like wine; some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. ~ Pope John XXIII

~ Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. ~ Will Durst

~ Whatever one man is capable of conceiving, other men will be able to achieve. ~ Jules Verne

~ Rob the average man of his life illusion and you rob him also of his happiness. ~ Henrik Ibsen

~ Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

~ A vocabulary of truth and simplicity will be of service throughout your life. ~ Winston Churchill

~ As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can. ~ Julius Caesar

~ Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success. ~ Jim Backus

~ The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

~ Women are the right age for just a few years; men, for most of their lives. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

~ A man must have a certain amount of intelligent ignorance to get anywhere. ~ Charles F. Kettering

~ Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

~ Show me a man who claims he is objective and I'll show you a man with illusions. ~ Henry R. Luce

~ Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot. ~ Oscar Wilde

~ Men always want to be a woman's first love, women like to be a man's last romance. ~ Oscar Wilde

~ Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. ~ Edward W. Howe

~ Most men, when they think they are thinking, are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ Knute Rockne

~ Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness. ~ George Orwell

~ Men lose more conquests by their own awkwardness than by any virtue in the woman. ~ Ninon de Lenclos

~ A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree. ~ Helen Keller

~ Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed. ~ Lloyd Jones

~ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on. ~ Winston Churchill

~ Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. ~ James Allen

~ If men swear that they want to harm you when you are asleep, you can go to sleep. If women say so, stay awake. ~ African Proverb

~ The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs. ~ Marlene Dietrich

~ Treat a man as if he were what he ought to be and you help him become what he is capable of being. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

~ Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality. All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration. ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

~ A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. ~ Henry Louis Mencken

~ Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

~ A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest. ~ Helen Rowland

~ Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler. ~ Francesca M. Cancian

~ A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant. ~ Helen Rowland

~ Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~ Anonymous

~ The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. ~ Wilhelm Stekel

~ God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met. ~ Farrah Fawcett


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    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 

      8 years ago from Arizona

      Loved this...worth bookmarking for future use...Where did you find all these great quotes? Voted UP.

    • sassydee profile image


      8 years ago from los angeles, ca

      Votedup interesting and funny


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