Funny Quotes About Men

Men and women vary in their thinking in many ways, yet just like women have an understanding of one another, so do men. Men have a totally different understanding of the English language than women, sometimes a much simplier way of viewing the world.

Quotes for Men is a collection of all the best quotes from a variety of sources. Hope you enjoy reading only the most popular and witty quotes on men....

For women to better understand the male language, and a good laugh, check out the Men's Dictionary section of this article for a translation of many phrases that men say to women.

~ I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind. ~

• Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

~ I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.~

• Translation: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

~ It's a guy thing. ~

• Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

~ That's interesting, dear.~

• Translation: "Are you still talking?"

~ You know how bad my memory is. ~

• Translation: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

~ Oh, Don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal. ~

• Translation: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

~ Can I help with dinner? ~

• Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

~ I can't find it. ~

• Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

~ I heard you. ~

• Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

~ What did I do this time?~

• Translation: "What did you catch me at?"

~ It would take too long to explain. ~

• Translation: "I have no idea how it works."

~ You look terrific. ~

• Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

~ Take a break honey, You're working too hard. ~

• Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

~ You know I could never love anyone else. ~

• Translation: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

~ I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. ~

• Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again."

~ Author Unknown ~

~ A man's kiss is his signature.~ Mae West

~ The best thing about a man is his dog. ~ Proverb

~ It is difficulties that show what men are. ~ Epictetus

~ A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. ~ Lana Turner

~ Men are easy to get but hard to keep. ~ Mae West

~ Truth sits upon the lips of dying men. ~ Matthew Arnold

~ Men tire themselves in pursuit of rest. ~ Laurence Sterne

~ Men blaspheme what they do not know. ~ Blaise Pascal

~ Neutral men are the devil's allies. ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

~ Men often act knowingly against their interest. ~ David Hume

~ Men play the game; women know the score. ~ Roger Woddis

~ Men are what their mothers made them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Men are not punished for their sins, but by them. ~ Elbert Hubbard

~ Men are born equal but they are also born different. ~ Erich Fromm

~ Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. ~ Herodotus

~ When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~ S.A. Sachs

~ Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves. ~ Gene Fowler

~ Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. ~ Kin Hubbard

~ Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be. ~ Anonymous

~ Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ~ Billy Crystal

~ Men are all alike, except the one you've met who's different. ~ Mae West

~ Men are equal; it is not birth but virtue that makes the difference. ~ Voltaire

~ A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~ Phyllis Diller

~ Men tend to feel threatened; women tend to feel guilty. ~ Edwin Louis Cole

~ If it can't be fixed by duct tape or WD-40, it's a female problem. ~ Jason Love

~ A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position. ~ Oscar Wilde

~ The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. ~ Leonardo da Vinci

~ It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~ Frederick Douglass

~ Men give away nothing so liberally as their advice. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

~ We should weep for men at their birth, not at their death. ~ Charles de Montesquieu

~ The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough. ~ Germaine Greer

~ A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself as a liar. ~ Mark Twain

~ It is the ignorant and childish part of man that is the fighting part. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~ Lois Wyse

~ Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself. ~Francis Meehan

~ One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. ~ George Bernard Shaw

~ When a man of forty falls in love with a girl of twenty, it isn't her youth he is seeking but his own. ~ Lenore Coffee

~ The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. ~ David Brinkley

~ One must judge men not by their opinions, but by what their opinions have made of them. ~ Georg C. Lichtenberg

~ When men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions; their reasons are always different. ~ George Santayana

~ Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~ Robert Byrne

~ The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

~ Passion makes idiots of the cleverest men, and makes the biggest idiots clever. ~Francois de La Rochefoucauld

~ Men are like wine; some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. ~ Pope John XXIII

~ Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. ~ Will Durst

~ Whatever one man is capable of conceiving, other men will be able to achieve. ~ Jules Verne

~ Rob the average man of his life illusion and you rob him also of his happiness. ~ Henrik Ibsen

~ Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

~ A vocabulary of truth and simplicity will be of service throughout your life. ~ Winston Churchill

~ As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can. ~ Julius Caesar

~ Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success. ~ Jim Backus

~ The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

~ Women are the right age for just a few years; men, for most of their lives. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

~ A man must have a certain amount of intelligent ignorance to get anywhere. ~ Charles F. Kettering

~ Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

~ Show me a man who claims he is objective and I'll show you a man with illusions. ~ Henry R. Luce

~ Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot. ~ Oscar Wilde

~ Men always want to be a woman's first love, women like to be a man's last romance. ~ Oscar Wilde

~ Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. ~ Edward W. Howe

~ Most men, when they think they are thinking, are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ Knute Rockne

~ Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness. ~ George Orwell

~ Men lose more conquests by their own awkwardness than by any virtue in the woman. ~ Ninon de Lenclos

~ A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree. ~ Helen Keller

~ Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed. ~ Lloyd Jones

~ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on. ~ Winston Churchill

~ Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. ~ James Allen

~ If men swear that they want to harm you when you are asleep, you can go to sleep. If women say so, stay awake. ~ African Proverb

~ The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs. ~ Marlene Dietrich

~ Treat a man as if he were what he ought to be and you help him become what he is capable of being. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

~ Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality. All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration. ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

~ A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. ~ Henry Louis Mencken

~ Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

~ A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest. ~ Helen Rowland

~ Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler. ~ Francesca M. Cancian

~ A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant. ~ Helen Rowland

~ Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~ Anonymous

~ The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. ~ Wilhelm Stekel

~ God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met. ~ Farrah Fawcett