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How to write a sex story - Redneck Tale # 43

Updated on June 24, 2012

Spilled ink and chopped-down trees

 

I know. Everyone thinks that being a writer is a piece of cake – a regular walk in the park. Not true. Writing good stuff is not easy at all. An author worth the ink to be wasted and the paper scheduled for squandering has to begin by coming up with an idea – a thought or two. Next comes research, the separation of real facts from not so real facts. After that must be plotting and planning. Some might refer to plotting and planning as thinking things through. Often there are bumps in the road, but some writers like to call those obstacles wrinkles in the paper.

After the first painful hour or so, the beneficiary of all of this amuscular sweating and straining typically looks like an ordinary oversized and now overfilled wastebasket like this one.

Practice seems to work

Not being a well-practiced writer, I don’t do things like real writers do them. Ordinarily I just sit down in front of my ten-dollar keyboard and whale away at the thing. Somehow words on the screen appear. Sometimes they make sense, too. That is always an encouragement to keep on whaling away at the keyboard. This time, I decided to practice being a real writer; that is, to follow the roughed-out set of rules, above - idea, research, plotting and planning, and filling the wastebasket even though I hated the thought that I might inadvertently throw away some good stuff...

I got to thinking about what sort of an article might sell or bring me fame even if it failed to bring me wealth. For some reason it seemed to me that I should try to write about something I have always tried to shy away from – shy is quite the correct word, come to consider it. Sex. I assure one and all that sex is enjoyable and healthy, but not between a writer and a ten-dollar keyboard. But there I was. The light bulb had popped above me. Sex it must be.

 

Article schmarticle !

Ooooops!

This research stuff is not what some say it is. The first thing, right at the starting line, here was this serious article I uncovered that told me that my writing should avoid using sexist language. All of a sudden my chosen work of eye- and mind-catching literature hit that first deep wrinkle in the virtual paper, the one inside my unhelpful computer. Not being altogether sure what my research was trying to tell me (beyond spoiling my train of thought), I looked up the word, sexist. That didn’t help any at all. It simply confused me. But, I did remember that I had a computer here to do some work for me, so I plugged "sexist" into a search engine. It found something worthy of mention – a quotation, the words of which I will give you here:

"My very first day on the job, the boss asked me to make a fresh pot of coffee. Of course, I walked right out the door. He and those other sexist pigs at Starbucks can kiss my @ss!" - Phyllis Hilliard

Hugh, help me - please !

The result of all of this struggling to come up with a fine piece of sex writing was only the finding of a funny Starbucks kind of joke. Even so, I am not going to let my readers down. I will do some personal research and even do some consulting with experts, some of whom are friends and others of whom have hard-earned reputations to protect – like, maybe, Hugh Hefner (if he is not otherwise busy) and some learned, hopefully adequately lecherous, psychiatrists and the like. I have been told that experts like those are everywhere. I would not even be averse to peeking at what other folks are trying to write so that I might get a nudge or two in the right direction.

Contingency planning is important

If all of that fails to help me come up with a great sexist piece of writing, I suppose I will have to go back to writing doggerel or Boy Scout manuals.

 

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    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      6 years ago from USA

      Hi Enlydia Listener - Thanks for the rating(s). Gotta tell you, spoofing is lots of fun. Somebody said, "Write a catchy headline and the rest will work..." I believe now that the person who said that was correct. Being a believer does not make me a writer, but I sure did have some fun with this one.

      Gus :-)))

    • Enlydia Listener profile image

      Enlydia Listener 

      6 years ago from trailer in the country

      Rated up for funny...and you have got me thinking, so for "useful" also.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      7 years ago from USA

      Howdy "epi" - Well, sir, if I taught you something I hope that it does not get you into trouble like most of the stuff I pass around. I am really glad that you believe me to be entertaining. Like with most people who bear the scars of the keyboard, that is truly a constant goal, for you, for me,and for the rest. That makes it kinda fun to hang around these parts. As we often say, "epi," 'see you around the area.

      Gus :-)))

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 

      7 years ago

      ...well you're a fabulously entertaining writer - and certainly an inspiration to me (no meds needed here)

      ...and some insight from the epi-man - everything starts with pen and paper and once I get the idea or flow going most of my pieces are written up in about 15-20 minutes flat - I am a very fast writer and quick thinker - different strokes for different folks - as they say - I sincerely hope all is well with you today - thanks for teaching me a thing or two about writing!!!!!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ha, ha! I made no such promise. Good one!

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Christoph - Nice hat! (That's for starters.)

      Now, for that story...

      Said the one to the other - "You made the same mistake this time as you did the last time. I just looked out the window at the sign on top of his car. It said 'Poppa John.' Girl, you were supposed to order from that outfit that promises 30 minutes."

      Promise not to laugh, OK?

      Gus :-)))

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      8 years ago from St. Louis

      Hey Gus! I have had this same difficulty and have done a lot of research on the subject, but as you point out, boiling all that research down to a story is like a magician's trick or something. Here's as far as I've gotten; tell me what you think: Two really sexy girls are sitting around an apartment talking about how lonely they are and wishing they could get a man. The doorbell rings. One girl says, "Oh! There's the pizza delivery boy!

      I can't figure out what comes next!!! Can you help?

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Friend Lela - I am not sure that porno by a learned, although "with it" PhD would be the thing, but one never knows. As to "Make me a pot of coffee" I had an AF captain who pulled that on me one time. He didn't ask. He very officiously said, "Sergeant, fix me a pot of coffee." I did. He drank some. Then he said, "Sergeant, I am never going to 'let you' make me another pot of coffee." I had made that one little potful using a whole pound of GI ground coffee - the kind with lots of chicory in it. The motto should be "Never order a person to do something that you should ask that person to do - with a please in front or at the end of your request." That coffee was so strong that we were getting phone calls from some of the most distant wards in the hospital asking what was that coffee stink all about. You and that funny Starbucks joke made the memory come back home here. I think that would make a good hub over on our SampsonVeteran Hubpages place.

      Gus :-)))

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 

      8 years ago from Somewhere near the center of Texas

      Yea, I knew you were kidding. I too, was trying to make a joke. (failing miserably).

      It's the sexist Starbucks joke. I'm trying to get my male co-workers to make me some coffee once in a while. Or maybe just bring me some from Starbucks. LOL

      I think drbj may need to write some pron! (sp)

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Katie AND Audrey - Will you both quit trying to make me out as an old prude. I am an old prune. There is a difference! I was going to have ads here, Audrey, but the images I had were all rejected (ejected?) (or how do you spell that other word?) Katie, that link will get you a tummy's worth of laughs on lots of stuff. Starbucks will never again be the same for me. It has always been that their coffee was horrible, but now I must always think of Phyllis Hilliard, that first day quitter. (Plug that name into Google and see how many times Gus could get sued unless he included that link!!!) My word! No, no. I meant "someone else's word, not mine.

      Gus :-)))

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 

      8 years ago from Washington

      Funny indeed - and who said writing was easy? Never is and even with practice, some days it flows and other days not - no matter what the subject!

      You had me going too - and I was wondering if you were going to have ads on your pages or not!

    • KFlippin profile image

      KFlippin 

      8 years ago from Amazon

      This was a funny one, Gus, you did the most important thing a writer can do, put in a catchy title! The reader will read and read trying to find that SEX, that was funny, and the whole time I'm thinking, Gus is writing about Sex? Naaa... :)) I'll check out that link for another good laugh......Katie

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Good Doctor bj - Your joke is almost as funny as the Hilliard coffeepot joke. Close it was, but everyone knows that close only works in love and horseshoes.

      Gus ;-)

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      8 years ago from south Florida

      Writing a story about sex is easy, Gus. First you set up your plot with a guy and a girl. Or maybe two guys and one girl. Or two girls and one guy. Or a "menage a trois." Or just two girls. Or just two guys. Or a guy and his sheep. Oh, oh, I may be going off the deep end here. Disregard all of the above.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Lela, my good friend... I agree with everything in your comment - however, I believe that you did not understand that I was kidding around...

      Gus :-)))

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 

      8 years ago from Somewhere near the center of Texas

      Writing is easy, re-writing is hard. Editing is hard. Polishing the prose is hard. Re-writing again is hard. Final re-write is hardest of all.

      I think I might have to re-write that sentence and proof it for punctuation and use a thesaurus to polish it up a bit. Aw, to heck with it - read it and weep.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      timain23 - Deleting stuff is easy and it is usually a great idea.

      Gus :-)))

    • profile image

      timain23 

      8 years ago

      I hear you there. I'm working on a couple of stories. Problem is, I will write something and delete it two minutes later.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Dear Friends - You really have to follow that link (Phyllis Hilliard) above. There was one reply to that quote, and it was, perhaps, funnier than the quotation itself. I am still laughing at it. (We truly do live in a wonderfully marvelously funny world!)

      Gus :-)))

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