Regrets of The Past: Part III
Hey everyone! I got a lot of beef for posting this story a little bit at a time. It's for the best seeing as most people need time to be able to read a lot in one setting. Long story short, people are enjoying this story and I'm very excited about it! I want everyone to enjoy these last two parts and hopefully I will write other shorts for you all. If you'd like to know anymore about me, just shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from fellow readers!
Last time we left off, the protagonist was blamed for everything by Sheila. Where is she going at with this? Without further ado, here's Part III of Regrets of The Past!
Sheila and I have been friends for a long time. When I was at the learning age, she taught me tons of stuff about life and about psychology. As a new student it was so fresh on her mind and her advice always rang true to me. I never failed to grasp her professional or personal opinions. I knew what she was saying was the truth. Though a dominant part of me wished it was all untrue. Damnit, I remember thinking. I've been such an idiot,I chided myself.
I think my eyes watered a bit like some dust had come from somewhere. Though I'm pretty sure there was an emotional uproar occurring deep down in me. I'm sure then is when I came to a powerful realization that my relationships failed because I, in turn, was a failure. I let the thought sink in, like I was letting a rock sink into a lake. It hadn't been because my boyfriends or ex-fiance wasn't a wonderful person or lovable. It wasn't because they were incapable of loving me. I had simply failed to see what was there. My pride now been torn in half.
I thought I had been doing everything right, putting my all into every relationship I'd ever been in. But for some reason still, everything was was out of whack. It was all my fault. I had thought all of this in the few seconds before Sheila completed her statement.
"-However," she continued. "There were issues on his end as well. Let's focus on those things and then come back to you."
I waited for a moment before I spoke. When you love someone so much, you miss things, big and small. It always come back in retrospect, the little moments when things got bad for a bit, when those small things could have been much bigger. Of course it always comes to haunt toward the moment you realize that those small, insignificant things, were signs of much larger problems. Love is so blinding. I suppose those big problems had blown up in our face. One thing came to mind.
"I never felt validated. It just wasn't enough sometimes. When I was down I didn't get the affection I was hoping for. I felt ignored a lot and that hurt. I felt little praise and wasn't compliment enough."
"That's a major issue. Sometimes we forget that we need that from our loved ones. Validation is underrated. It keeps us moving sometimes. I'm sure in your career, you've needed constant reminder of your talent. Is that true?"
"Did you tell him how you felt? Did you ever explain to him that you need validation and appreciation?"
"No," I said. I think I was a little short at that moment and Sheila gave me a look. I calmed myself as I felt anxiety and irritation rise in me. When a person's pride is broken, they get a little anxious and a little irritated. That's especially true if one believes they've been doing it right all this time.
"I don't like conflict remember?" I asked her. "I'd never introduce something like that into the conversation. It's just so awkward and uncomfortable. I could definitely create a conflict or even make me look weak. I avoided it completely."
"Did you two talk about sex?" she asked me. That's kinda personal.
"Of course we did. I mean that's important in any relationship. It was easy for us to talk about it. Sometimes it was a little weird."
"What about money?"
"Yeah, money was okay too. We were open to discuss just about everything."
"Except your emotional needs? Things that were important to you? Sex and money are pretty big things to discuss. In fact they're generally the major problems in many relationships. The fact that you avoided discussing your needs and letting him roam the earth not knowing is disastrous. Unless you felt inclined to hide things from him, you had no reason to refrain from discussing your own needs in the relationship. Communication is key, remember?"
I felt kinda dumb. She was throwing my own words back at me. Many years ago I had determined that the most successful relationships were dependent upon communication. Without it, the relationship was bound to fail. I had failed to do so. His negligence had been my own fault. There was a pause, she wrote something down. She crossed her legs.
"There's nothing wrong with approaching conflict head on, approaching any needs that must be met. I think I know exactly why you decided not to discuss it in the first place."
"I avoid conflict," I admitted.
"Yes, but not like most people do. You avoid anything that may cause heated emotions. Your fear of abandonment is showing its ugly teeth right now. You fear that if you express yourself too deeply, he'll run away from you. You fear that if you make yourself seen as imperfect as everyone else, he'll leave you. This is very clear and I believe deep down you've known this about yourself for some time. The anxiety you feel, it comes from feeling imperfect. It comes from the fear that you will be left behind. You need to understand your own mentality. It's just irrational."
Why do I feel this way? Why do I constantly feel so insecure, but never able to express it, to share that feeling with someone I love? Why do I push them away, hide, and run when what I really need is to be embraced and nurtured? Why do I even continue trying to love when I'm too afraid to be vulnerable and to make someone understand what I need in live and in love? Why? Why? Why?
Time seemed to stop while I had thought so deeply. It seemed like everything was coming to light. Here I was, learning something about myself that I had known for some time now. I was left behind as a child by mother and my father. My grandmother was the only one who never left me behind. She stood by me when I needed her the most. Though she understood little of my actions, she still embraced me and loved me. When she died, I truly felt abandoned. I think that's when it all started. The one person I loved more than myself had gone and all I had was the man who claimed he loved me.
I'm positive that he did now, all the times he tried to stay with me and console me and be there for me. But I refused to let him in, showed him little kindness. I hardened myself, afraid to look weak, though what I really wanted to do was lay on his chest and cry. For so long I had been alone and wanted to no longer be lonely. When I got something to hold on to, I starved it, sucked it dry of all the comforts of love. Then I was alone again, as I had always been comfortable being. It was... easier that way. Though it never made me happier.
"Are you okay?" asked Sheila. She noticed now that I was crying. I hadn't realized it really until tears dropped onto my pants. Sheila was by my side. I remember hugging her before I left, a few words exchanged and I headed back into that world again. Feelings began to pop up and I realized I had messed things up with Derrick. I had to see him. When I reached my car, I dialed his number from memory.
"I can't believe it's you," he said. "Is everything okay?"
I waited a few seconds before I responded.
To be Continued...