Romancing the Undead: Why Women Shouldn't Love Dead Things
Stay Away from the Cold Dead Thing that Wants Your Blood
Let's see how well this flies and then we can talk about a relationship.
I am fascinated yet disturbed by this perpetual trend of women who find vampires sexy. Something happens every generation after the release of a vampire movie or television show that makes women crazy for these immortal blood suckers. And I just can't figure it out.
Here's the scenario in most vampire movies.
A nice guy dates a sweet innocent girl. Things are going well enough, perhaps a tad on the hum drum side, when a "mysterious stranger" moves into town. Because this movie takes place in a town that has absolutely no social life outside of gossip and a few hot spots, people start talking about who bought the dark creepy mansion on the hill. Rumors fly and people hear things from the real estate agent that the house's owner is a quiet European gentleman who likes to spend time by himself alone.
Perhaps a week later, we hear about some mysterious deaths about some elderly people suddenly passing away from an anemia related disease as well as some missing pets from around the neighborhood combined with the news that the local supermarket's regular delivery of garlic has been waylaid.
There will be some kind of social event where the "mysterious stranger" makes his premiere appearance. This usually happens when the nice guy and the sweet innocent girl are at the event. And for some reason, the sweet innocent girl senses the forbidden fruit of this stranger and is immediately drawn to him.
From here the plot can take several different turns. However, typically, the stranger turns out of be a vampire who's staked a claim in the town and wants the sweet innocent girl to "end his loneliness" and tries to seduce her through the usual method of stalking, hypnosis, and just plain old fashioned preternatural style and coolness.
And they fall for it.
Now, my wife and almost every woman she knows has fallen in love with most of the vampire shows and books out there. Whether this is originating from Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles, the Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse novels, or the notorious Stephanie Meyers Twilight books, women still go crazy for vampires.
And because I have a "Y" chromosome in my body, I just don't understand it.
Here's What I Don't Understand
Let's remember, there are a lot of downsides to romancing a vampire.
The first one is you never know if that playful nibbling on your neck is true affection or him being peckish. My suggestion is that you need to know how to train your partner. If he starts getting bitey, you might want to fill a water cannon with garlic juice or go on that all-garlic-pizza diet your friends told you would never work.
I can't say I understand the attraction.
Even guys who find themselves in a situation with a sexy vampire seductress would have to be pretty far gone to not notice that rotting coffin bit of bad breath and really cold ice hands. Which really would lead to a bit of "fizzling out" - if you get my meaning.
Failure to launch? Pushing rope? Are you getting me?
Yeah.
There are other things that really should make your potential life as a vampire seem really unattractive.
They are DEAD!
They are dead things.
When watching The Walking Dead we can all agree that zombies are these dead stinkbags that eat people. While zombies are not strictly fascinated with sucking blood (or fascinated with anything for that matter), does even the concept of touching a walking corpse make you a bit queasy? Granted, vampires are not zombies. Vampires think and they have a way of keeping their bodies from decaying. Zombies are the ugly stepsisters of vampires.
However, as vampires are still dead, wouldn't they be cold? Yes, I remember the Ann Rice explanation that a vampire that's just fed will have some color in his face and a bit of warm blood body temperature. But that can't last forever.
They are Shapeshifters
Even in Bram Stoker's Dracula we know that the old count was quite capable of changing his shape. He didn't just transform into a bat or mist, but he changed his actual appearance to that of a young man (This was per Jonathan Harker's first account in the novel).
Every woman I've ever met has a thing about honesty and being upfront about things. They still don't acknowledge that what they are seeing with the vampire is an illusion most of the time.
If you were to see the vampire's true form, it would probably make you sick. One of the things that Harry Dresden (See The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher) knows about vampires is that their true forms are quite grotesque and the sexually attractive forms they wear are merely a disguise.
You are their FOOD
Yes, you finally fell for this walking cool stylish corpse and have decided to let him have his cold way with you (once again - EWWWW!).
You are together spending a night of passion with him and the inevitable happens, HE BITES YOU. This is to take blood.
Yes, yes, I know - some of the more romantic authors say that it's supposed to be a turn on. Somehow, through the imagination of a writer, they've transformed the puncturing of a jugular vein (or femoral artery if you listen to Bill Compton of True Blood) into an intoxicating sexual experience.
I call that post-hypnotic suggestion and delirium due to blood loss. But hey, it's your funeral.
If it were Anyone Else, You'd have them Arrested
How many times do I have to have this argument with teenage girls who are Twilight fans?
I hear how romantic Edward is for showing up in Bella's room and how he is always around just when Bella needs him.
Do you know what that is? It's stalking - plain and simple. Throw in some "breaking and entering" and being a "peeping tom" and you have yourself a sexual deviant.
It's not romantic. It's actually kinda creepy.
Let's also remember that with every bite, that's a bit of sexual assault and mutilation thrown in. I always think of what Mina Harker's neck looks like when she takes off her scarf in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Volume 2. Alan Moore made sure that the reader knew it wasn't like how Hollywood portrayed it. Her neck was scarred.
Most ladies would have people like that arrested.
You Only have the Night
Even as a homebody, I go to bed at about 10: PM. My wife shuts down around the same time.
It is only during the winter hours that it gets dark at around 5: PM. That gives most people who work a day job about five hours of fun. I know that after a few weeks of acclimating to a vampire's schedule, women can be a bear to live with.
Do you know what that's like when you're a vampire? That's like getting up at 6:30 AM, running out the door immediately (without breakfast), and going to a five-hour party. If you play your cards right, you can get a bite after that fifth hour. Then everyone else has gone to sleep where you'll be going back to your lair (unless you find an unknowing victim who wants to spend her final living night on earth with you) to go home and read.
Then it's back to the old dirt coffin.
Repeat forever.
Teen vampire fans don't quite realize that this is the gig when they get that bit of semi-immortality.
They are a Living Virus
All depending on the vampire lore you subscribe to, getting bitten by a vampire will make you a vampire. Some myths say that it's a virus. Get bit by a vampire a few times and in a couple of days, you die.
However, after getting bit, you're susceptible to a vampire's influence.
That brings up another thing, especially with 21st-century women. Don't they enjoy having free will? Why would they want to be with anyone who would completely dominate them and risk being killed at any given moment?
It makes no sense.
To be fair, there are other myths that say a vampire has to go through a specific ritual in order to turn any mortal into a vampire - usually through the exchanging of blood combined with the vampire almost killing his lover and her taking his blood.
Still, I don't know many modern women who want that kind of commitment.
Final Words
I got on this subject because I just finished Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett.
Initially, I was going to write an article on how the media is making vampires to be like superheroes rather than the monsters that they are. And for many reasons, I really wish people would stop viewing them as these misunderstood superpowered individuals and remember that they are blood sucking parasites.
When I think of proper vampire fiction, I think of Stephen King's Salem's Lot, I think of 30 Days of Night by Steve Niles, and The Lost Boys starring Kiefer Sutherland. These are monsters. The reason why they have so many powers is to make them more frightening. Yes, they hypnotize. Yes, they are much faster than we are. And yes, they can fly by turning into a bat. All of these things should make a person frightened out of their wits before they try to stake one.
What's worse, is that women find them sexy. I just don't understand why. How is it possible that every vampire looks like they just stepped off the cover of GQ? Is it possible that some guy who looks like John Belushi could get turned and have a problem seducing victims? It wouldn't happen. Why? Because women would see the extra fat or the wrinkled clothes and have nothing to do with them.
No, no, vampires have to be able to look attractive to lure their prey. What concerns me is that even knowing that all accounts are fictional, and even armed with this knowledge, there will always be a new crop of women who will think that everything about a sparkly vampire is sexy.
If you're a fan of vampire fiction, why do you like them?
© 2012 Christopher Peruzzi
Comments
I'm not suggesting that it dosen't go both ways. Only that it is usually at the expense of women far more often and has been for far longer. I am obviously doing a poor job of explaining my point so I'll just say that sparkly vampires make me want to leave the planet and find intelligent life elsewhere.
- AUTHOR
If we are referring to the "sparkly vampire" mythos, I confess that I do my best to keep my facial ticks to a minimum.
And I will point out again that the sexism works both ways. I agree that women who aren't able or just don't want to have children are looked down on in society. But so are men. Otherwise why would Viagra be covered by medical plans? And why do I have to put up with so many commercials for devices that help the same problem on late night TV? Men face the same issues, they just aren't allowed to show their insecurities like women are.
And there are some stories where the vampires can have vampire babies the old fashioned way. I hesitate to bring it up, as they tend to make me break out in a rash, but they do exist.
- AUTHOR
In the 21st Century, women are not invisible.
While it is true that the media and some amount of persistent culture have had the older man/younger woman dynamic, this is only true for woman whom I'll address as "Lying Eyes" Women (taken from the old Eagles song "You can't hide those Lying Eyes" - about women who have settled with an older "sugar daddy" and have not wed for love). Yes, they do exist and were mostly prevalent from the middle of the first World War until after the baby boom (as most of the young men went to war and died for their trouble - wiping out almost an entire generation of young men, leaving the older men behind).
It is also true that the young man/older woman dynamic is currently working -where a man of 21 will have an attraction to a woman of 30 to 40 years of age. This is certainly a possibility of intellect attraction, but I would also say that the woman is not looking for his conversation rather she is looking for his sexual peak.
The issue of procreation has been addressed in the Anne Rice books - however it is done in a different dynamic from Maker and Fledgeling. It was also addressed in Interview with a Vampire in the excessively cruel act of creating a child vampire for a couple of vampires. This act was cruel as you'd have a man or woman trapped in the body of a child that could age over a 100 or so years, while having the mental capacity for a mature adult - with the same wants needs and desires that an adult man or woman would have.
Some men or women feel the call to procreate. Some do not. The ones that do not feel pressured by an old world society that feels that every couple should have children. And why there is some amount of long term investment in having children that will care for a parent in their old age, that need is taken away with eternal youth.
In effect, my frustration is with the forced "invisibility" of women after a certain age. Take movies for instance. Men of rather advanced age are still cast in leading roles, while their female counterparts are relegated to the background. Adding to this imbalance is the fact that it is acceptable to pair this leading man with a woman often close to half his age. I can only speak for myself here, but I look and feel better now than I did 15 or more years ago. One never knows how one will change and grow.
As for aging and maturity, what if along with halting the biological aging process, the ability to learn and make use of experience also halts? Not addressed in the stories, but it would only make sense. It would be horribly sad to me to cut off that potential.
As for the allure, here is something no one is addressing - the fact that vampires cannot get a woman pregnant. In this society, it is pounded into a woman's head that she must reproduce in order to be considered whole. Those who choose not to follow are often looked upon as less of a woman. The same for those women who truly wish to but cannot bear children. There is a stigma, and make no mistake. Perhaps this is another way that women can imagine what they could become. They would not need a legacy as they in fact would be their own legacy.
There are many interesting social and psychological implications.
- AUTHOR
@ tamarawilhite - An interesting thought. One that I will address in an entire hub.
- AUTHOR
And hence we can now redefine the definition of "monster".
For one of the things that we're unsure of in these creatures is the concept of love. While it is certainly the illusion of what the vampire will show of his dark, nocturnal love and tormented existence of loneliness, it may only be for him the trial and error of finding the perfect soul in potentia.
Rather the electric "fate has destined us to be together", we have now a hobby for the vampire. He is now a "talent scout", not unlike what baseball recruiters used to do with professional players. A vampire might approach a victim from the standpoint of upbringing, physical characteristics, and raw intelligence - as a gamble. If the fledgling vampire fails to live up to the vampire's potential, the elder vampire will stake his protege himself, rather than live with an anoyance for eternity.
Hence the coldness that is brought on by immortality.
I can see what SM OBrien is saying, but I can also see what cperuzzi is saying. I also think, considering that most vampires are considered more animalistic and instinctual than humans, they would be attracked to the 18 to 25 age range simply in biological terms. The reason men tend to be sexually attracted to women at those ages is because those are the ages that are the best child bearing years. Yes, you can do it earlier and later, but the best chance of having a healthy child to carry your genes is within those ages.
Also, I would like to point out that interesting is based on age and experience, so turning a woman at 20 when she's prettier doesn't diminish the value of the experiences she WILL HAVE in the future. It's easy to accuse other people of being ruled by certain body parts, but, really, if you could have the choice of having a guy be just interesting or hot AND interesting, which would we, as women, choose? Really?
Also, if perpetuating these thoughts falls at anyone's feet it's women's. Who writes these books that have smoulderingly attractive young women drawn to strangly virile (because most people don't seem to notice that the sexism in these books actually work both ways) men who are improbably sensitive about the people they slaughter? Mostly women. Guys tend to write novels with ugly vampires ripping things to shreds and being uber nasty. I've noticed anyway.
To what degree do you think romancing the undead is due to the rise of the anti-hero in modern literature, and how much of it is a desire to create some form of happy after-life among a population that is increasingly non-religious?
- AUTHOR
We are talking about a being that may not have a progressive mindset. Remember, depending on the vampire, they may have thought a 12 year old was the age for female adulthood (for a vampire who's mortal life might have been in the Elizabethan era).
While I can certainly speak for myself that I would not consider it a favor to spend eternity in my mid to late forties where everything seems to be hurting a lot more and find the prospect of remaining in that state of having seen better days in my life. It would be extraordinarily cruel for a vampire to decide that in my paltry 40 plus years of live that I'd be more interesting than someone who'd lived several hundred. My only uniqueness would be in seeing an issue from the standpoint of the generation I grew into within my mortal life - not having known another.
To make this fair: I will install a poll asking anyone what age they'd like to be turned into an immortal. I'll have a range.
Speaking as a man, No - I would not want to spend my eternal undead years with a spare tire, aching knees, and salt and pepper hair. While you may not share the philosophy of being eternally young, I can promise you that the concept of eternal youth at the peak of your physical vitality has allure to most people.
The concept of immortality is a double edged sword. If you have to spend eternity in some kind of shape THAT YOU WILL BE STUCK IN, it's best to be in good shape than on the decline.
I resent the notion (that largely comes from society) which seems to think that a woman is only interesting from "18 to 25". I find that most people (both genders) only become interesting as they age. The depth and capacity for understanding, as well as accumulated knowledge, makes someone more and more fascinating as time goes by. Based on this, it is implied that the interest comes in the fleeting circumstance of her looks. A sad statement on society in general.
- AUTHOR
I'm on the side of people like author, Terry Pratchett.
When it comes to the concept of immortality and romance, I believe that vampires are pretty much just like the rest of us and fall prey to the concept of boredom. We as human beings are unique in the sense that with all of the wonder that there is in this universe we can still find a way to get bored with it.
When you take the personality of someone like a vampire and you add immortality to it, all you have left is either the company of immortals that you have seen and have pretty much figured out over the first 150 years of company... after that they're an read book.
Humans, on the other hand might be fascinating to vampire as they represent someone who is new to life and living (in comparison) and free from the prejudices that accumulate over the countless scores of decades. I can see a vampire finding a new interest in someone that has not experienced life in 18 to 22 years of living.
Also, there is the decision that the vampire would need to make - having to base a choice of turning a woman or man into a dead immortal who would need to learn to love a warm liquid protein drink, deal with bloodlust, and try to remain interesting based on a comparatively short time period - a woman's age of 18 to 25 or a man's age of 21 to 30. And let's face it, even mortal adults have a problem dealing with the youth and immaturity of an 18 year old woman or a 21 year old man.
Turning a mortal past their physical peak is a disservice to the mortal.
As far as the love and immortality mix, if you only take divorce statistics that 1 out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce within the first 10 years - the likelihood of an immortal eternal marriage lasting faces astronomically bad odds.
And with vampires, that's a marriage without sex - depending on the mythology you follow. Fans of the Sookie Stackhouse series would fare better than any of the Anne Rice vampires (although most of them "bat for the other team").
When you also consider what it might be like for a mortal to sleep with a cold dead thing, we would certainly hope that it would be up to the vampire's talent of hypnotism to convince a man or woman that cold dead sex was a good thing and that they'd like to go again. Who knows? Some people can be convinced of anything.
I am one of these "strange Vampire fans" personally my attraction comes from being with the broody vampire for all eternity, death is no longer an option when you have love and immortality.
Loved the write up wish all the comments had the vote facility too.
you missed the tea bags by the way.
People are screwed up. That answers your question quite succinctly, I think.
- AUTHOR
Zombie cheesecake... Sheesh!
Well, I'm sure we could argue about this for a very long time (and people have written books of these arguments), suffice to say that we may be thinking too much, and Chasuk is probably right. It probably is as simple as them being sexy (and I am very aware that I am using that word as you described it above because vampires are not erotic. Erotic takes thought, effort and calculation. Vampires don't have that anymore), and really we can't control what we find sexy. And it's also probably the bad boy thing. Girls are human and if you tell a human "don't do something," what's the first thing they're going to do?
I'll say this again, vampires now are like the Kardashians, everyone knows they shouldn't like them and that there's no reason for them to be alive, but they are and we do.
And don't worry, it's getting worse, there are zombie cheese cake calendars and whole websites full of zombie strippers. Just pictures, not stupid b-movies that we can laugh at.
- AUTHOR
Okay Dominique (cracks knuckles).
As much as I bitch about it, I've been following vampire lore for a while now. I don't usually go on about it because, sadly, it's fashionable and, now, too teen angsty. I try to keep in mind all of the supernatural rules that vampires can't break and all the ways that it's possible to defeat the standard vampire.
I think one of the things that ticks me off most about the Twilight series is that she took away the one weapon that all vampire myths have on defeating one of them - SUNLIGHT. It just irks me.
Once again, if you've read my zombie stuff, you know I think about this to distraction.
However, I digress.
This is about women and dead things. I agree that writers of some of the old vampire tales probably had such a deep ingrained patriarchal philosophy that their vision of easily dominated women would come forward in their plots. However, this does not stop the fact that their fan base keeps growing among women. (For God's sake, they made Gary Oldman Dracula)
Believe it or not, Bela Lugosi was a box office draw back in the 30's.
Or we could talk about the Frank Langella's Dracula of the 70's - which was only discounted by the George Hamilton Dracula from "Love at First Bite". If you haven't seen it, rent it.
We also had the book version of "Interview with a Vampire" that Ann Rice wrote back in '72. The movie didn't come out until '94. Regardless, the fascination of vampires among women was still there. This was despite the themes of homoeroticism and pedophilia in that book alone. "The Vampire Lestat" continued with themes of homoeroticism and incest (Gabrielle was his mother, after all). I could go on with "Queen of the Damned" and "Tale of the Body Thief", but you get my meaning.
While it has been made crystal clear that vampires can not procreate (or get an erection for that matter), the only allegory for love and sex was the taking of blood - which Rice describes as being infinitely better than intercourse.
Still, female fans flocked to the stories.
Now, we have the Twilight Series, True Blood, and (the canceled too soon) Moonlight. Each of these shows had the same fan base of women who have a fascination with these creatures.
Is it really a question of dominance or is it a question of seeing an attractive individual who is cursed with immortality and loneliness? What we do know is that there is certainly a motivation on the vampire's side to quench his bloodlust. But what do the women get?
And, yes, we could talk about some of the minor vampire movies like "Count Yorga" and "Blackula" as well as all of the Christopher Lee movies in the 60's - but they... well, they sucked.
In any event, the medium of vampire fiction has just exploded. We know the fan base. My question is WHY?
Is it the "bad boy" thing? Maybe. If it is, I'll never understand that. Once again, "Y" chromosome.
I couldn't date anything that might eat my pets. That is a deal breaker. Just saying.
Oh, and the whole Twilight thing? Can we say STALKER?? It's just creepy. Girls don't understand that if a boy acts like that they need to tell someone. And sharpen a stake.
- AUTHOR
"Sexy" is a bad word for anything and I apologize for using it. It's an unfortunate byproduct of the overexposure to the media that use that term.
I should use terms like attractive, erotic, provocative, and sensual. "Sexy" conjures up images of Madison Avenue Hanes commercials and toothpaste ads.
When I talk about the undead, I want to use the words: cold, murky, clammy, eerie, creepy, and repugnant.
"Sexy" is visceral. I don't get up in the morning and decide, "I'm going to find X sexy today." Whatever is sexy, is sexy, and whatever isn't, isn't.
Millions of women, every day, read novels about alpha males and bondage, and they get aroused by these novels. However, that doesn't mean that they yearn to be dominated by guys addicted to their own testosterone, nor that they they want to tied up. Fantasy is fantasy. If I'd had sex with every woman who had ever energized my libido, Fabio would be asking me for seduction advice. I expect that most women -- schoolgirls, housewives,and executives -- are the the same way.
Okay, I've gotta comment on this one, this is just too good. You bring up a lot of good points,and before I really get into it I will say that I am one of those you can't comprehend. I love Louis from "Interview" and I still watch "Forever Knight" all the time (don't watch "True Blood" though. That show gives me a rash).
I think the reason women like this is actually akin to why women love "Phantom Of The Opera" so much (not a vampire, but still a stalker and serial killer), as one of the actors singing the lead in the musical once said, women fall in love with him because they think they can change him. They want to be the beauty that transforms the beast. If they can tame the vampire and make him good, well, that proves their worth, doesn't it? That, I believe, is the attraction to the bad boy that all women feel.
Okay, also, you can't put all of what you've seen in regards to vampires seducing women at the women's feet. Dracula, and this was played up in the Dracula moves Hammer did, was a scary foreign guy who was STEALING good British women away from their loving families with magic because that's what scary foreign people did! Terrifically xenophobic and mysogenist (women are too stupid to resist when ANY man really wants then, aren't they? Especially a weird foreigner). Those movies were not made by women, they were made by men to inflame the fears in men, the main viewing audience for horror.
The literal sexualization of the vampire came about in the 70's, with "Interview" and movies like "Count Yorga." Once again keeping in mind that most horror movies are for viewing by men, these movies are tentamount to hot dudes with fangs (typically older) and young women running around with their boobs hanging out. You're a guy during the sexual revolution, do you want to watch something that is clearly for titilation factor with a guy who's ugly? Let me ask it another way, would you want to watch it if the girl was ugly? And most people don't know that, in the 70's, Hammer/Amicus put out a couple lesbian vampire films. I guarantee this discussion has never been had about those. Why would a largely male audience complain about two women biting each other when they're naked? The titliation out weighs the ick factor.
Something else to consider, and this plays heavily into the Anne Rice thing, is the idea of dominance and submission. Getting bitten is like rape, and in the sexual revolution when women were starting to come into their own sexually, this veiled rape was a way for men to remain dominant. Also, those same dynamics applied to, say, the "Twilight" books, allows women in our day and age who are supposed to be independant and strong to indulge in a submissive side, which feminist thinking doesn't allow them anymore.
In terms of the modern vampire novel, the "Twilight/Vampire Diaries" stuff, I agree with you completely on all counts, but I also think (here's where I'm veering into conspiracy theory territory, you should skip this paragraph) that there's something more sinister going on. Say whatever you want about the "war on women" but in our society, women are expected by the older male establishment (the OLDER male establishment, I certain most normal guys don't believe this) that a woman's place is a shallow one. We should buy designer clothes, a lot of jewelry, impractical shoes and get feeding tubes before our wedding to lose weight. We should let men take care of us, and that is what these sparkly vampires do. Edward may be a creepy stalker, but he is also the ultimate provider for a girl who doesn't see fit to be able to take care of herself. She can stay barefoot at home, having little vampire babies rip out her stomach and all is right with the world.
I'll do what George Takei did, I'll compare the two female leads from two of the biggest movie series in recent history, Bella from "Twilight" and Hermoine from "Harry Potter." Hermoine watched friends get tortured and die, she risked her life numerous times, if we go by the movies, she actually erased her existance from the minds of her parents to save them, she didn't hesitate to do what needed to be done, and when she fell in love with Ron and he walked out, she soldiered on and she ended up helping to save the world. Bella went to school, fell in love with a vampire, and when he left her, she tried to kill herself. And Bella is the one everyone wants to be for whatever reason.
"Twilight" is in the same class as Paris Hilton and Fashion Star and Jersey Shore and the Kardiashians. The media tells us that people as a whole, but especially women, need to be more shallow and dependant and not do things for themselves. That's the goal that people have now.
For my money, I hope Sookie keeps vaccilating on who to pick, Bill or Erik, and then they get fed up and just rip her to shreds. She may be a drama queen who thinks she can make men of monsters, but, you know what guys? You may be an unholy blood sucking servant of darkness, but even you deserve to not be jerked around by a woman the way she does. All I'm saying.
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