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SHOPPING ANYONE? by b. Malin

Updated on July 26, 2012

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT...

I am going to admit it Right Up Front...I Hate Food Shopping! No, I'm not one of those who hates Food... and the thought of "Throwing Up" under "Normal" conditions is scary for me...So No, I don't have THAT Kind of a Food Problem. I just have a problem of going Up and Down the food aisles in search of Food. If it could Magically appear in my house, I'd have no problem unpacking it, and putting it away.

When we were in Florida, with One Car, Lover Man and I shared the chore, and it actually became Fun. Now Back in NJ, we've kinda kept it up, that is going together. We usually do it on a Friday, before the "Crazed" Summer Weekenders arrive at the shore. You really want to give them plenty of SPACE...They are dazed and tired, and playing "Beat the Clock" for the Rays of the Beach, come Saturday morning...And who can blame them.

Ok, so there we were on a Friday, shopping at Pathmark, a store that I remember as a kid, growing up in Westchester, which boasted that it was open 24 hrs. a day! When you are a kid, that sounds unbelievable! When you are an Adult, you are Grateful, because it gives you more time to fit everything in to your busy schedule...and our schedule consists of Lover Man taking care of the Deli things, while I do the other stuff. We usually meet up again at the COLD Milk and Juice aisle...which we hurry through...And I always think, I shouldn't have worn that Tank top or that T-shirt...Oh well.

Choosing a "Line" is always a challenge...I refuse to Check myself out, I just won't do it. I can't stand the "Animated Voice" that Commands you do this or that, and you know it's just waiting for you to Slip Up, so it can tell you what a JERK you are! Of course in that Animated Polite Manner... Wake UP Shoppers, THEY should be paying US to check out and Bag our own Groceries. Well actually, I do like to bag my own. You know, put the Cold stuff with the Cold stuff and the cans and boxes together. Anything that makes it easier to put away once you are back home.

So on this day, the "Shortest" line is with a "Check out Clerk". Hooray, I think, she looks like she knows what she is doing...My Eggs won't wind up underneath Something Heavy! Now we are second in line from the guy she is waiting on. She's having a Wonderful time with him, Laughing and Smiling... and now as she bags his last bag, she offers him $5.00 off his total because he has spent over $40.00. She tells him, as she swipes the Store's printed coupon through. "You can take me to dinner" she smiles sweetly at him. She's a full figured woman. He seems to take notice of that..."Mmm, he replies, you never know". "Oh I know" she smiles back. He winks, and then he is gone. Now it's OUR turn. I Gently push Lover Man in front of me...I want that free Coupon too.

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      You never let me down! Hilarious! I loved the tank top reference...I think quite a few women use that as a ploy just to see the reactions of the men in the store...it works quite well.

      Your sense of humor is the stuff of Hub legends. Bravo my friend!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      So did he get the 5.00 off coupon? :)

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 4 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hi B --

      You are not alone. I hate shopping in all forms except for produce markets and farms, or country shops. (Hubby gets that terrified deer-in-the-headlights look if I even suggest that he goes instead, so you’re a lucky gal!) The super, supermarkets and stores have become like miniature cities that one needs a GPS to navigate, and remind me of Logan Airport in Boston. (Taking someone to Logan these days is like helping someone move.)

      I loved this warm and funny hub filled with personal anecdotes that are treasures. It sounds like you’ve nailed this daunting task. :-) Up ++.

    • writer20 profile image

      Joyce Haragsim 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

      I hate shopping as well, but sometimes you just have to do it. I agree with you about the animated voice.

      Voted up and awesome, Joyce.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 4 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello b. as always you find humor in the mundane task we all face. I am a quiet person, but with these stores running into acres, I just march up to an employee and ask "Where's this or that?" Saves me hours.

    • thelyricwriter profile image

      Richard Ricky Hale 4 years ago from West Virginia

      Up, funny, and awesome! Loved the last line, "here you stand up front." I tell you, in all honesty, I love reading your writings b Malin. You can just tell that you have an awesome personality and you get the most out of life. It is inspiring, truly. You know they say humor can add time to our life, so why not. Always a joy and much needed laugh. Hope your doing great and I send my best to you both. Happy shopping!

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Malin,

      This was so hilarious! I have a great laugh! Thanks for this needed laugh tonight! Have a good one.

    • cleaner3 profile image

      cleaner3 4 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

      nice write , your sense of humor is very humorous.

      love you girl.!!

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

      Very funny - Poor Lover Man having to make all of the small talk whilst you take your time putting yogurts with cream and milk, cereal boxes with other oblong boxes....all for a $5 voucher? Shame on you :o)

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Great overview of the shopping process. I love that voucher idea! Fortunately, I have always liked to shop for food, and my wife appreciates that. I am in Trader Joe's maybe three times a week, and the supermarket is kinda fun too. Love those samples! Very funny hub! UP/Shared !

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 4 years ago

      I food shop with my husband too! My only complaint is that he likes to look at everything and I want to get out of the store as quickly as possible. Did you get the 5 bucks off?

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

      I'm a grocery shoppingaholic so I can't relate to your phobia. I'm not sure what it is that turns my crank about it but I take pleasure in it. Solace maybe? Hell, I don't know but you have me thinking about it now.

      The Frog

    • d.william profile image

      d.william 4 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      Great hub. Funny. I used to hate shopping too. But since retired and not in any hurry i find it kind of fun to take my time, read the labels, and talk to people around me. (I have this T-shirt that someone gave me as a joke that says "My Favorite Friend: Mary Jane" with a big green fluorescent marijuana leaf, on the front of it.) that i now like to wear out in public for the shock value. It sure gets me all the attention i need. LOL. The old folks give me the thumbs up, the younger people stop and talk, and the middle aged women just give me dirty looks. Sure makes shopping more fun.

      Now you got me going i will have to do some shopping today.

    • arb profile image

      arb 4 years ago from oregon

      With your luck lately, she would have shown up for dinner at your house! Still laughing, very funny.

    • profile image

      SusieQ42 4 years ago

      Very cute hub and also very true. Who in their right mind likes to shop for groceries? Especially when it's nearly 100 degrees in the parking lot! Yuck...

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      HaHa, When i need a good laugh, i know where to come. I agree, I hate to grocery shop. I love to shop but not for food. Maybe next time a handsome male will be checking.. Wooah..

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 4 years ago from south Florida

      Food shopping is not my favorite thing to do either, Barbara ... except at one tremendous-size store - Costco. It's not the size that attracts me, it's all the free samples of different foods that are offered to customers absolutely free. If you map your purchases beforehand, you can start with appetizers, work your way through entrees and end up with dessert.

      Enjoyed reading about your fun shopping trip expose.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Billy, Mmm, so you like the Tank Top experience...well you Devil you! But for me...It was TWO, Freezing, you know what...Anyway, thanks for the Comments, and of course, so glad you Enjoyed the read!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Susan, Yes, we did, and now I found out that they are on my E-mail...So, now I can print them out from home!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Genna, Yes, produce Markets I can deal with too. Anything else, I'm in need of Lover Man, who at the moment is taking it all in stride...

      Thanks so much for all your Comments, they mean a lot to this Lady Writer!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Oh I know Joyce, but I'll NEVER like it...Especially that "Animated Voice". Thanks so much for Enjoying, and of course your Votes!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Mckb, that is definitely where the Humor lies in all the "mundane" tasks we preform. Shopping also gives one a terrific work out running up and down the aisles!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Lyric, Thank You! If humor adds time to my Life, I'm hoping to live to be at LEAST 110! I'm so glad I could make you Laugh...It's the Best Medicine. Thanks for all your thoughts my Friend, and Fellow Hubber!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Josh, Thank You! Glad I could leave you Laughing! And You have a Good one too!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Cleaner, I Love you too! Thanks so much for Enjoying.

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Hi B. This one was great. (As usual.) And I had a good laugh at the punch line. I would make myself scarce for that five dollar voucher too! "Oh, Jiiiimmm!" He's used to that. I love d. william's comment since my hubby is just like that. He wears his Startrek Doctor McCoy Tshirt everywhere that says "DXxx it Jim, I'm a Doctor". We get the glares from certain folks. All in good fun!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Jools, But we did get the $5.00 Coupon off...and so, we were Happy Little Shoppers, and isn't that what it's really all about?

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Peg, Thank You! It was all in Good Fun...I just Had to have that Voucher! Yeah, d.Williams is a Trip, what a Hoot! Thanks for all your Wonderful Comments.

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Jools, Well, you do what you gotta do...I was determined to get that Voucher...and I did! Come on, admit, you would have too!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Xstatic, Actually Lover Man doesn't mind shopping for Food...But never for Retail...makes him Crazy...We don't have Trader Joe's here, wish we did...But still it's shopping for Food! Thanks for Enjoying, and the UP/Shared!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Breakfastpops, Hooray! So does Lover Man, but he's quick, so it works out ok. YES, I did get the $5.00 coupon off. Did you have any doubt that I wouldn't?

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Froggy, I can just see you HOPPING around the Grocery Store. So I'm Glad you Enjoy...Hippy, Hop... you go Frog, you Go!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi d.Williams, Thank You. You guys really are the ones that seem to Enjoy this Food Shopping thing...Which is Good. Loved your Comments, you are too Funny. Now Go Shopping, and have FUN!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Arb, Mmm, that's truth, she did kinda eye Lover Man as she swiped her Coupon for us. Ha, Ha. So Glad you Enjoyed.

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi SusieQ, Thank You. The Guys seem to Enjoy it...which in a way is Good. The Heat and Shopping is definitely YUCK , you are so Right!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Ruby, See we Love to Shop, but not for Food...Loved your Comments, especially the Handsome male Checking us out...Mmm, maybe that would make Food Shopping Fun!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Drbj, That's pretty Funny, could be Your Next Hub...How to Eat Your Way through Costco's! I'm so Glad you Enjoyed my Hub.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      OK, now my mind is racing... b. Malin!

      You don't care for the shopping yet The Froggie swims to the store whenever he gets a chance? What gives...??

      I am "smelling" another interview potential...especially with everyone weighing in your always enjoyable comment stream...( just kidding about the interview!)

      But this was a FUNNY read and I will agree with you, girlfriend. I'm an "in and out", all business shopper and I always hit the store on "off hours" to avoid the sillies... (people, that is)! Hugs, mar

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Poor Lover man! and all for a coupon! haha! I totally understand what you mean about the self serve checkout, I must look completely mad as I stand there shouting at the stupid thing to shut up asking me if I want to 'carry on?' or 'please collect your items'! what does it think I am going to do, leave them there? lol! so funny, nell

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 4 years ago from UK

      Pimped for a coupon. Hope he succeeded in his task, B. your funny , well observed piece echoes many others feelings about food shopping. Only you say it so well. Brilliant writing that stems from personal observation is always a delight to read. Voted up.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 4 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      I hate to shop for groceries, mainly because I have no idea what to get. I am bored with all my recipes, don't like to cook that well, my husband is a picky eater and so is my daughter, and neither like the same things. He wants something to snack on but never has a clue what. She wants all this REALLY expensive stuff that we just don't have the money for and I am usually ready to pull THEIR hair out by the time I get home with my two hours worth of 2 small bags. I wander the stores for hours, just trying to come up with ideas. I even read the cookbooks in that aisle. Shopping and cooking, they can have it but don't want it either. I will eat soup.

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 4 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      I hate shopping and always come out with way more than I wanted in the first place. Luckily I have a partner who loves to shop and sticks to the budget but always brings me a treat or 2 and even remembers to get my magazines. perfect :)

      Never attempted to use a self serve after watching others put on an entertainment haha.

      Love to know if Lover Man got the coupon, did he smile sweetly ?

    • Movie Master profile image

      Movie Master 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Food shopping in my household is more fun when my husband does it alone, he always brings home 'treats' I foolishly keep to the budget and shopping list!

      Loved the hub and glad to hear Lover Man got the coupon!

      Voted up!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Mar, Froggy is a Shopper! And b. Malin is NOT! I enjoyed your Wise Comments...In and Out...Always Good. Now Retail, shopping for Clothes, is Entirely different... I can make an afternoon Adventure out of that!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Nell, I'll have to be Dying to "Check my Self out"! I just won't do it!! For that $5.00 coupon I was willing to give my Man away...NOT...just figured he could Smile and be Charming, and we'd get one, and we DID! So glad you Enjoyed my Hub.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Docmo, I admit, I set my Lover Man UP, and YES, we Succeeded! A Coupon for $5.oo off was so worth the effort!

      I'm so Glad you saw the Humor of Shopping through my Hub. Thanks so much for the Compliments, and, of course, your Vote.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Becky, Amen to that thought. Wow, your Comments could also be your next Hub...I can see the Humor of it already. Seriously, Shopping for the Family is hard, you have my Sympathy...and a prayer or two for your Sanity on Shopping Days!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Rosemay, Me too! That's why I'm Happy that Lover Man is now sharing this Chore. You Man sounds Wonderful too. YES we got the $5.00 off coupon...How could she resist Lover Man's Smile!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi MM, Men are Good Shoppers...While Women stick to Budgets...We are so practical. Thanks so much for the Vote, and of course your Comments.

    • rjbatty profile image

      rjbatty 4 years ago from Irvine

      I can relate. Check out my hub on the same subject https://hubpages.com/food/Supermarket-Hades

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      Oh, this was too funny! I love your shopping adventure and how you work it. I also scout ahead for the lines, sometimes it does work!

    • b. Malin profile image
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      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Ribatty. I'm Glad you could relate, and I will check out your Hub. Thanks for stopping by.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Teacher, Thanks! Ah, yes, the Lines...I think we Women do Scout ahead for the Shortest line...and yes, sometimes, it works and sometimes it doesn't! Thanks for Commenting.

    • BobbiRant profile image

      BobbiRant 4 years ago from New York

      LOL so tell me, did that free coupon happen? Just asking. I guess I've been shopping the wrong grocery stores. I hate food shopping as well, the bane of my existence. Great hub about something many of us hate.

    • rjbatty profile image

      rjbatty 4 years ago from Irvine

      There is a supermarket chain here in Southern California known as Vons. They have an online shopping site that I am considering using. The charge for having your groceries delivered is $10.00. This could be worth the aggravation and sweat one puts into strolling through the aisles. Then again, it could end up being the subject of a separate hub.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Bobbi...Would you have any Doubt that I and Lover Man would not get the Free $5.00 off Coupon? Well of course WE DID! And as I write this another Shopping Day is just 2 Days AWAY! Ah....

      Thanks for Enjoy and of course your Comments.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Ribatty, I just can't see US shopping on line for Food...But hey, if it works, it could be a Good Hub Write for you! Interesting thoughts and Comments, thanks for sharing them.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Such a cute story... I want a coupon like that! ha ha - but mostly, what struck me is the self-check outs. I absolutely hate them. Especially when I am with my husband. Maybe I am as evil as the animated voice but I have a hard time not trying to help my husband through this task. He is so ridiculously slow on these things. But more importantly, get those self check outs and pay someone to do it. I know it saves the store money but we need jobs! Great hub - real cute story!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Your Husband sounds like mine...Slow...which is GOOD at the proper time...Mmm? But Food Shopping, Self- Check out, NO! Agreed, I hate to see "People" losing jobs to "machines. You said it, Girlfriend, PEOPLE NEED JOB! Thanks for all Your Comments, Barbergirl and for Enjoying!

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 4 years ago from America

      I always told my husband that he get the coupons and items that I never get. I say don't go to that checker she's nasty. He says she's always nice to me. Really??

      He says things like I went to the DMV I never had a problem the lady was very nice.

      I think women just hate women that aren't standing behind the counter like them.

      Funny hub and I also hate self-check. Voted Up.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      You know Moonlake, I think you've got something there...What's their Problem? You made me Laugh with all your Comments and Nod, my head in agreement. I'm so glad you stopped by and Enjoyed my Hub!

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 4 years ago from USA

      Howdy "b." (b. Malin) - Sorta like "shop until you drop." I was just the other day reading a comparison of the 10 most-disliked supermarkets in the country, and there was Pathmark right on up there near the top of that list. Never having been inside one of those, I cannot agree or disagree with the listing. However, same-name supermarkets can all be very different. For example, when I was a kid my folks did their shopping thing at the old A&P place. Looking back on it, it was a not-so-hot place - probably would go out of business inside a month or so if it were to open today. Anyway, I enjoyed your adventures in the store - especially when you froze near the milk shelves and when you smarted things at the checkout by pushing loverboy in front to cadge a 5-buck discount. Good thinking. Got to remember that one. Will have to push my bride up there, for the clerks all seem to be men (I think, anyway...)

      Enjoyed shopping with you, even though I was months late at it.

      Gus :-)))

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      Hi Gus,

      Loved your Comments, You are one Funny Guy! Shopping is what it is...and Not my favorite past time...Now buying Clothes, that's another story!

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