SLACKER'S R US, Enabled and Free
The Art of Slacking
A Way of Life
Let's face it folks what better way to earn a living than in the comfort of your own home by learning to simply sponge off the generosity of others. In SLACKER'S R US, Enabled and Free we will explore the many options open to those of us unwilling to buy into the American Scam.
(I mean Dream).
As an artist and now a professional writer, albeit a poorly paid one based on talent and self worth alone, I have explored the many roads of SLACKERTUDE a lifestyle for the righteous and indignant. Many times I've asked myself . . .
"Self, why must I conform to societies preconceived notion of earning a living, when sponging off others is so easy and rewarding to do?"
Of course the answer is usually because the ignorant masses do not recognize my supreme talent and worthy contributions to society, heck simply by existing I'm adding a major contribution to the level of intelligence on this planet. Of course that is one of the reasons I decided not to have children as it would surely be a waste of natural resources.
As an artist I can introduce a unique perspective to the World assuming of course that I deem it worthy of my time.
While most SLACKERS do not have to learn any new skills and are simple born with them, occasionally we will share our original thinking in the form of articles, so that the rest of humanity can keep up with us, without having to explain ourselves.
My belief is that why as an artist such as myself shouldn't I be supported by the masses as we add the essential ingredient necessary to raise the intellectual stimulation level to an otherwise bleak, insipid society. My natural God given talent should be embraced generously by all and recognized for the happiness it brings the dull and unimaginative schleps destined for a life of endless work (that means you) and servitude.
Why should a supreme intellect such as myself soil my hands with the labor of the common man?
Surely you would not ask a modern day Da Vinci or to become a ditch digger or God forbid work in a cubicle, would you? Michaelangelo
Now I don't walk around openly displaying my supreme intellect however if one were to ask I would be more than happy to point out your character defects and general stupidity, after all it is the responsibility of all true SLACKERS to show the public how truly inept their limited thinking abilities are.
A True SLACKER!
How To Spot A SLACKER
- A carefree, footloose and fancy free attitude.
- Will only recognize your existence by asking you "Are you are still talking?".
- Addresses you as 'hey you' or 'yo' for at least a year, even if your family.
- Never pays for anything and doesn't even pretend to reach for their wallet.
- Last to get to work, first to leave . . . if they are forced to work!
- No excuses, EVER!
- A master at pretending they are listening.
- Incredibly charming . . . when they need something and you have it. (sex)
- Ability to convince you it was their idea.
- Willing to point out just how stupid you truly are and then laugh about it with you.
- Spends far too much time on Hub Pages!
- God isn't considered a higher power.
- Becoming rich and successful requires too much effort.
Definition of . . .
This is the Wikipedia definition of SLACKER . . .
The term "slacker" is used to refer to a person who habitually avoids work or lacks work ethic. Slackers may be regarded as belonging to an antimaterialistic counterculture, though in some cases their behavior may be due to other causes (apathy, depression, laziness, etc.).
However I must disagree with their use of the terms depression and laziness, as we generally are not lazy especially when we want something and we certainly aren't depressed, after all would you be depressed if someone else catered to your every need?
Now don't get me wrong it can be depressing when others do not recognize your meaningful contributions to society or the supreme sacrifices that you must make to coexist in harmony with others.
For example often times I find that the only meaningful and intellectual conversation I can have is with myself, of course this allows me to never lose an argument.
Not for Everyone
Now living the lifestyle of a true SLACKER is not for everyone, most humans simple do not have the mental dexterity or inflated self worth to embrace this way of life. This is OK for us SLACKERS as someone must do the dishes, vacuum the carpet and cater to our every need.
Say hello to MOM the perfect enabler she will truly set you free, not only will she dress you, feed you and do your laundry she will love you and encourage you to rise above the teeming masses of ineptitude and nurture your life of SLACKERTUDE.
Once you have sucked all the good qualities out of her generous and loving soul it is time to kick her to the curb and move on to your next victim . . . er I mean, generous enabler.
Finding another human that is insecure in their own self worth is child's play, shhh don't tell anyone. You must simple find out what they yearn for in their pathetic, little lives and then encourage them with false promises and flattery. This tactic can usually be done the day you are moving in with them
Caution: However make sure they can easily pay for everything as you will be contributing nothing.
- Again simply repeat the lessons your Mother has so generously taught you, modifying your tactics occasionally to keep the slacker juices flowing and your enabler in line.
- Involve yourself in self important projects you never intend to finish to complete the picture that your own ideas are far more important than your enabler.
- I mean partner.
- Work only when it is absolutely necessary, after all your enabler is more than capable of getting a part time job to keep up with your incessant and selfish demands.
- Make sure you keep your flattery skills sharp by complimenting them when you call them stupid and lazy.
- A simple smile and reassurance is usually all that is necessary to keep them inline and working hard to meet your ever increasing childish needs and wants.
- Make sure you only volunteer to help them with everyday chores as they are close to finishing, as this allows you to contribute and take the credit at the same time.
- If your enabler (sucker) does come up with an intelligent idea make sure they realize that you planted the seed for this thought, by simple enlightening them with your very presence.
- Carefully manipulate the English language in such away that anything worth being said came from you first and they are simple regurgitating you own supreme intellect.
- Remember at all times that your role in society brings sacrifice and commitment, so when you get a twinge of a consciousness, learn to dismiss it quickly as a weakness.
Never under any circumstances learn the definition of the word humble or God forbid allow your enabler to believe they are right!
Do you have what it takes to be a true SLACKER?
- Musical instrument ( not necessary to know how to play, just display)
- Art table or easel with unfinished master piece waiting to be praised.
- Income that doesn't require any effort on your part.
- Condescending but charming smile and long list of original but meaningless compliments.
- Nagging injury with good story behind it to avoid arduous work and heavy lifting.
- Intellectual insults that must be explained.
- Mixing metaphors to confuse the masses when you have nothing clever to add.
- Agreeing with detractors while insulting their intelligence.
- Facial and body language that clearly states that a question doesn't dignify an answer.
- Buy toys (props) that will make you look cool but that you will never use such as kayaks, weapons and of course books you'll never read.
Slackers R Us
I hope I have cleared up and reestablished the necessary reasons for our grandiose attitudes and necessary lifestyles. Try not to hate us for being far superior in every way, shape and form.
Perhaps in your next life you will be granted the supreme responsibility of belittling your fellow human while pointing out your own self worth to those without the intellectual capacity to do so for themselves.
However in the meantime try to appreciate the great contributions we make to an otherwise dull existence (yours) by learning to worship our every word and deed.
Learn how to please us so that we may find a way to deem you worthy and acknowledge your pathetic existence, . . . without laughing.
SLACKER'S R US, Enabled and Free was written for those incapable of creating an original thought on their own and to ensure that the teeming masses of ineptitude will appreciate the supreme sacrifice we have made to enlighten them.
You should thank me for writing this article so that you can take time out from your miserable, pathetic existence, you call a life to read it and recognize all that I have done for you.