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Satire -- The Kim Kardashian Meltdown

Updated on January 23, 2016

Something From a Horror Movie?

The world was shocked to learn that Kim Kardashian's face fell off along with her breasts and a portion of her buttocks. Reporters on the scene of the incident describe the event as "horrendous." One journalist even went so far as to say, "Watching this occur was like something from a bad horror movie."

Seconds Before the Meltdown
Seconds Before the Meltdown

Igor Kuryakin stated, "I know Kim. Well, I don't know her but I attended a fundraising event where she was present, and I can say that if this terrible event is true, it should never have happened because she is a good and truly hot celebrity."

No single cameraman on the spot was able to capture the actual transformation, as they all dropped their cameras and began shrieking like 12-year-old school girls with a frog down their backs. Some of these photographers have even done time in war zones, snapping pics of splattered bodies, but were so stupefied at watching Kim's transition that they couldn't hold their cameras and simply went numb.

Kim in Better Times
Kim in Better Times

An Armenian doctor (who wished not to be identified) but who is an expert in this little-known field, offered this: "We sometimes see this happening with our women -- women who maybe do a bit too much with surgery. It is something genetic that we haven't been able to explain so far. It's unfortunate. But, it happens, and the results are disastrous. We will someday understand why our particular genome is so susceptible to such surgical failures, but it will require quite a bit of study, and we welcome the international community to assist us in our research."

The Kim We've Come to Love
The Kim We've Come to Love

Naturally, the "reality" star has been isolated after the incident, and has only offered one message via Facebook in which she explains, "I don't know what happened to me, but I am very thankful for the outpouring of love I've received. It is very encouraging. I've been offered a new TV spot (even with my new appearance) and this is very welcome. I don't know if I'll go for it or not (I'm kind of vain), but it would be unlike anything you've seen before if my condition cannot be corrected.

The one-time creators of "Purgatory," a Chaos Comic character has been launched at Kim, and we see a natural fit, but this entire story goes beyond a possible blockbuster comic book movie -- this is even assuming that her basic facial features can somehow be recreated. Sure, Kim wouldn't require any skin makeup, and she still has one hell of a figure (the breasts can always be reassigned), but you have to consider the emotional factor. It takes time to deal with such a sudden transition.

Purgatory -- the Comic Book
Purgatory -- the Comic Book
Kim in Better Times
Kim in Better Times

Max Blank, a Phd in biological chemistry at MIT tried to explain the meltdown. "Yes, what happened to Kim sounds utterly impossible, but on a micro-biochemical level, it's not. Sometimes atoms react retroactively -- much like when a donor transplant is rejected by a recipient. The rejection process can take years or it can happen in a matter of seconds. In Kim's case the rejection occurred very suddenly, and this can be shocking. The unfortunate thing about the rejection is that it can take original tissue and leave larger gaps than anyone might expect.

Is the effect reversible? No. Once the constituent tissue hits the sidewalk, everything that made up the doll of was (can I refer to this in such a way?) is gone forever. The embryonic layer left behind is somewhat like treating a severely burned victim. They have no features. Yes, we can do a certain amount of reconstructive surgery, but the patient will never resemble him/herself again -- it's just not possible -- at least not yet. We are making strides in the area of reconstructing DNA cells -- so there is always the possibility, but I think we are still many years away from, say, reconstructing an entire face or butt cheek."

Kim Assets Gone to Waste
Kim Assets Gone to Waste

We've been able to ascertain that Kim has been approached by different directors to do roles in upcoming horror films. Kim has been reticent about accepting any of these offers -- understandably so -- since she was glamorized as a kind of beauty queen. Going from a beauty queen to something that resembles a malformed embryo would take a lot of courage.

Whichever path Kim takes, we certainly offer her all the luck in the world.

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    • mactavers profile image

      mactavers 16 months ago

      This is really funny. Your next satire should be on the people who watch and read about the Kardashian family. I was at a convention in Las Vegas in ?? casino where a Kardashian clothing store had just opened. There was a waiting line to view the store. Who knew???

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