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Shamu, the Mysterious Whale (or "did you heard what I does heard?)

Updated on December 19, 2013

New York in the..when was this again?


From a memory.

When I was in grade school, I heard a comedy piece made up of a "man on the street" type interview and music clips. It was hilarious. I decided to try one with song lyrics which have been widely misunderstood. I hope it's entertaining.

New York kicks (jack) ass.

Good evening! This is your obscure reporter on the street, William Oddie, reporting to you, live, from the streets of New York City.

The scene here is one of anarchy! No one seems to know what has happened--but, from the number of people running around, screaming, crying, calling for their mothers, you'd think that it was the aftermath of some terrible catastrophe--like a Miley Cyrus concert.

Well, I, Bill Oddie, am going to find out!

Sir! Sir!?! Yes you with the oddly flamboyant outfit! Oh, you say you're a clown? Well, I'm not one to judge, sir. I just want to find out what has happened here in the streets of New York. Do you know, sir?

(Man) This donkey’s gone to Devon...

For what sir? Can you tell me?!?

(Man) A massage in a brothel.

And did he say anything before he left?

(Man) Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body.

Well, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. Thank you sir. Moving on...Miss! What did the donkey look like as it left?

(Miss) A bald-headed woman!

Your saying it looked like a...

(Miss) ...bald-headed woman to me!

Do you have anything else to say on the subject, miss?

(Miss) Lay across my big breast, babe.

There's no time for that now, miss. We have news to make!

(Miss) Let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee in the spotlight...

I don't think that's even legal. Good day! Well, it's obvious that the streets of New York are filled with flakes and nuts, just like a breakfast cereal. I'm not looking forward to seconds of this though. But, needs must as the devil drives, so I must push on in my search for the truth!

Sir! Did you see what happened?

(Sir) A gay pair of guys put up a parking lot.

Well, at least they were happy, but I'm not sure how that caused all of this trouble!

(Sir) You can grow your own weed.

Yes, but only in two states right now. Did the afore mentioned guys tell you that?

(Sir) Hold me closer, Tony Danza!

Do you need Tony Danza to help you grow your own weed?

(Sir) I get high, I get high!

Sir, talking to you is like having the mumps!

(Sir) I want to hold your gland.

I don't think that would help, sir. Please go away. You're making me queasy.

(Sir) About salmon fishing?

About everything, sir.

I think I'll talk to someone who looks a little more like they know what they're talking about. You, my good woman! What is the donkey, that has become the center of attention, doing?

(Good Woman) Saving his life from this warm sausage tea.

What Ma'am?

(Good Woman) He's just a pork boy from a pork family, spare him his life from this warm sausage tea!

Is that so? And what was your reply?

(Good Woman) I’ll never leave your pizza burnin'!

Did anyone else hear this exchange of words?

(Good Woman) A young girl with eyes like potatoes...

And what did she say?

(Good Woman) "You make me feel like a rash on a woman!"

This doesn't help me understand anything that's going on, my good woman.

(Good Woman) I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.

And what do you think of the donkey?

(Good Woman) He's a carpet-cleaning man, and no-one understands him but his woman.

What kind of evil is this? Is this part of a barnyard uprising? Who are his compatriots?

(Good Man) Their dirty deeds and they’re done with sheep!

Even the sheep are following this maniacal donkey? Whatever shall we do?!?

(Good Woman) ’Scuse me while I kiss this guy.

Okay, but I don't know how this will help! Shouldn't we do something to distract these herbivorous invaders?

(Good Woman) Just give me some raisins, just a little bit of nuts.

I see! Distract them with food!

(Good Woman) Soup and Salad Bar.

But did the donkey give any demands before he began his reign of terror?

(Good Woman) Take me down to a very nice city!

Really? Why did he want to come here? What did he say?

(Good Woman) I've got two chickens to paralyze.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

(Good Woman) I've got two ticks and a parasite!

And what were those vermin doing?

(Good Woman) Rockin' the cat box.

Are you sure? With what?

(Good Woman) A one ton tomato.

Did no one speak up? And if they did, what was the donkey's reply?

(Good Woman) Sara, Sara - stomp your boot in my eye.

A masochist as well? Will this donkey's evil never end?

(Good Woman) Later on we'll perspire, as we sit by the fire.

Of course we would! It's got to be 90 degrees out right now.

(Good Woman) We'll have fun fun fun till her daddy takes the tuba away.

Maybe we should bear arms against this foe and take him down before his evil plan can come to fruition!

(Good Woman) You shoot, we all die young!

But is there nothing we can do? Can we not bribe the donkey into leaving this fair city alone?

(Good Woman) Last night, I spent all my pesos...

Then what can we do?

(Good Woman) Bring me an iron lung.

Alright. I'll see if I can find one. Anything else?

(Good Woman) Got a strange fat chick.

Um, okay. Uh, are you sure you know what you're doing?

(Good Woman) I'm just a 30-watt bulb...

I'm beginning to think that myself. Okay, so what should I do until we find the iron lung?

(Good Woman) You give love a brand name.

My wife has told me that from time to time...

(Good Woman) Of the cross-eyed bear that you gave to me...

Now I'm lost.

(Good Woman) The heart of rock 'n roll is Topeka.

Are you saying that the donkey is headed out of town? What should we do now?

(Good Woman) Hold me close - I'm tryin' to dance here!

Well, not the worst suggestion I've heard all day. But what about the donkey?

(Good Woman) Roam, Nipsey Russell. Roam around the world...

My name's not Nipsey.

(Good Woman) My pizza's burning...

Well, you did say you wouldn't let my pizza burn. At least you kept your word. But something still bothers me!

(Good Woman) Take your teeth out, tell me what's wrong.

Should we be wearing protective clothing; helmets, bullet proof vests...

(Good Woman) It doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not.

What? Why?

(Good Woman) This grill is on fire!

Here comes the fire department to take care of that. But I need to know if the donkey said anything else before the rampage began!

(Good Woman) Come, Mr. Taliban, tally me banana.

Do you mean that there could be a political agenda here? What changes in the situation have you seen?

(Good Woman) Since she let me down, there's been owls puking in my bed.

Did I hear you correctly?

(Good Woman) Since she let me down, there's been bowels moving in my bed.

And you, sir! Come here and tell me what you know of the situation!

(Sir 2) Someone shaved my wife tonight, should have Naired!

You're kidding me? That's terrible! And what then?

(Sir 2) She's got a stick in her eye.

You and your one eyed wife have my sympathy. How did that happen?

(Sir 2) When I frighten Dorothy, and Dorothy always wins...

Who is that, sir?

(Sir 2) Big ol' Jan, the rhino.

What did he say to that?

(Sir 2) Eddie, get your house key, get your house key, get your house key Eddie.

Really? What else did he say?

(Sir 2) You make the rice, I'll make the gravy!

Then what did he do?

(Sir 2) Stepped on a Pop-Tart.

Oh, good! Here are the people bringing us the iron lung! What? They don't seem to have the iron lung. What do you have, gentlemen?

(Gentlemen) We got the Flintstone microwave ovens.

And who is this impressive looking man with you?

(Gentlemen) Slow talkin' Walter, the fire engine guy.

What are we going to do now that the iron lung plan is useless?

(Walter) We're calling a trout.

And how will that work?

(Walter) Just like a one-winged dove.

Oh, my! Ladies and gentlemen, I--I haven't words for the carnage! The microwaves are running, the trout are burning! The donkey is braying! Feathers are flying everywhere! It's madness, sheer madness, I tell you.

The sounds are horrendous; again, much like a Miley Cyrus concert! I just can't---I can't...


What? That was quick! Ladies and gentlemen, apparently, the microwaves have resolved the situation quite nicely! I'm impressed!

The doves cried, the chickens fried, the sheep are shorn, and the ass has been kicked out of New York. Once again the American spirit has triumphed!

Thank goodness Miley Cyrus wasn't singing!

A quick sketch of my ass.


Did he really tell that joke?

Yes. I don't know why, but he did.

How many of these references did you get? Leave a comment and tell me how many and I will write a follow up comment to tell you what the songs and misunderstood lines were.

Take care, all, and, again, "Enjoy!"

Oh, the horror!

Bridge is out! everybody run! The donkey apparently is coming!
Bridge is out! everybody run! The donkey apparently is coming! | Source

You are NOT here!

Your opinion counts. (Somewhere.)

Do you have random bladder syndrome?

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