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Man Hires Fake Girlfriend to Appease Crazy Parents

Updated on June 15, 2017
3 stars for Girlfriend for Hire

Marcus's father has been telling him to find a wife since he was eleven years old. Now, he's twenty and he knows he's going to get a lot of crap when his parents visit him to discover he's still single (and still a virgin, no less). So he does what any other sensible man does: puts an ad out to hire a girlfriend for a week. Now all he has to do is find one that is age appropriate and hope the visit goes as smoothly as possible.

Marcus's father is from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Marcus is Tula.
Marcus's father is from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Marcus is Tula.

A Whole Lot of WTF

Poor Marcus. He's like Tula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Except his parents apparently don't care who he marries/sleeps with/impregnates as long as he does it now. Marcus's tragically funny situation gave me a perverse desire to keep reading even though the dialogue was only okay.

Nikita, the girl he hires, is kind of cool. She's a smart ass to Marcus, but she impresses the crap out of his parents and is willing to play the part to the best of her ability. Until backstory is uploaded into her memory all of a sudden.

’You do have a nice crazy family Marcus,’’ she said ‘’It just reminds me of one I never had you hear? I grew up with no dad to read me bedtime stories, or mom to tell me what to do when I had reached my pubescence…..but you…..’’

There is absolutely no sign before now that anything was bothering her. She was perfectly happy playing along, without a hint of longing, sadness, envy, or anything except sarcastic indifference. This attempt at developing her character is all in the name of comedic catastrophe, but I would have loved to see more of this in the parts leading up to it.

Marcus's parents are exceptionally insane. This story is only a little over 1,000 words, but in that time his father demanded to know why Marcus hadn't impregnated Nikkita yet (after meeting her an hour ago), told Marcus he was probably shooting blanks, and broke his leg from falling off a skateboard after trying to prove he wasn't that old to some smart-mouth kids.

The mother is the saner of the two. Or so I thought. In general she's politer than her husband, more reserved and keeps him in check. She shows her true colors when she is reminiscing over Marcus's baby photos with Nikita and Marcus.

‘’I can still remember the smell of you in those diapers, the feeling of you sucking at my tits.’’

Later she asked Nikita to sleep with her son, even after Nikita said she was done playing Marcus's girlfriend.


Honestly, if I was Nikita and I was actually dating Marcus, I would have moved to China before getting those two for in-laws.

This story is one of many in the free series "I'm a Virgin" on Smashwords, which features Marcus on his quest to find love, placate his parents, and finally lose his virginity. I haven't read any of the other stories, but even though this story wasn't particularly well written and certainly not well edited, I have a strong and perverse desire to read the others in the series.

You can find "Girlfriend for Hire" free on Smashwords.

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