Some Notable Quotes
George W Bush was cannon fodder for lampooners...(he's the one on the left)
These amusing and wry comments spice up our lives
“Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water”
W.C. Fields.
“A little bit of what you fancy takes years off your life”
Diogenes
“Advertising is legalized lying”
H.G. Wells
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake”
Bob Hope
“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.”
Fred Allen
“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother”
Henny Youngman
“A person is a bore who talks when you want him to listen”
Ambrose Pierce
“I don’t believe in astrology, I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical”
Arthur C. Clark
“I don’t even know what street Canada is on”
Al Capone
Don’t pay $2 to dry clean a shirt, give it to the Salvation Army, who will clean it and put it on a hanger: the next day, buy it back for .75 cents”
Anon
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Klaus? Claustrophobic.”
Anon
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
G.W. Bush
“Bush was elected by a secret committee who wanted the American people to suffer less if a president was shot during these turbulent times…sadly, no one jumped at the opportunity”
Diogenes
“If an Englishman gets run down by a truck, he apologizes to the truck”
Jackie Mason
“Show me a good looser and I’ll show you an idiot”
Leo Durocher
“Parsley is gharsely”
Ogden Nash
“Fish and visitors stink after three days”
Benjamin Franklin
“Honolulu has everything: sand for the kids, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother”
Ken Dodd
“My brother was a karate expert, he joined the army and killed himself the first time he saluted an officer”
Henny Youngman
“A jury consists of 12 persons who has to decide who has the best lawyer”
Robert Frost
“Love is not the distant wail of the gypsy violin, it is the triumphant twang of a bed spring”
S.J. Perelman
“Man is Nature’s sole mistake”
W.S. Gilbert
“Wisdom outweighs wealth”
Sophocles
“You’re only black when you’re poor”
Larry Holmes
“My mother thought the doctor had left the stork and taken the baby”
Bob Hope
“Too bad the only people who know how to run the country and solve all our problems are driving cabs or cutting hair”
George Burns
“…and too bad, the people actually running the country should be driving cabs or cutting hair”
Diogenes
“Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long”
Ogden Nash
“Fools live to regret their words; wise men to regret their silence”
Will Henry
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious”
Bill Maher
“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool can mind it”
Henry David Thoreau
“The history of Scotland is one of theology tempered with homicide”
Ivor Brown
“The good think about masturbation is you don’t have to dress up for it”
Truman Capote
“I haven’t had a hit movie since Joan Collins was a virgin”
Burt Reynolds
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it”
Oscar Wilde
“It is extremely cold today, the England fielders are keeping their hands in their pockets between balls”
Christopher Martin-Jenkins
“My definition of utter waste is a coach load of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats”
Lamar Hunt
“Only in America could a Don King happen”
Don King
“Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something”
Plato
“The hardest thing in this world is to understand income tax”
Albert Einstein
“Television is a medium because anything well done is rare”
Fred Allen
“TV today is where fools allow charlatans entry for breakfast”
Diogenes
“Military intelligence is brought by oxen for morons…there should be a contraction for that”
Diogenes
“To be a skilled conversationalist in Britain, you need only study meteorology”
Diogenes
“Note that it’s generally the female of the species which bites”
Diogenes
“Don’t prostitute yourself to pay rent: live in a barrel”
Diogenes
Hope you enjoyed these gems. More later maybe…..
