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Some Notable Quotes

Updated on July 6, 2012

George W Bush was cannon fodder for lampooners...(he's the one on the left)

These amusing and wry comments spice up our lives

“Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water”

W.C. Fields.

“A little bit of what you fancy takes years off your life”

Diogenes

“Advertising is legalized lying”

H.G. Wells

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake”

Bob Hope

“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.”

Fred Allen

“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother”

Henny Youngman

“A person is a bore who talks when you want him to listen”

Ambrose Pierce

“I don’t believe in astrology, I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical”

Arthur C. Clark

“I don’t even know what street Canada is on”

Al Capone

Don’t pay $2 to dry clean a shirt, give it to the Salvation Army, who will clean it and put it on a hanger: the next day, buy it back for .75 cents”

Anon

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Klaus? Claustrophobic.”

Anon

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

G.W. Bush

“Bush was elected by a secret committee who wanted the American people to suffer less if a president was shot during these turbulent times…sadly, no one jumped at the opportunity”

Diogenes

“If an Englishman gets run down by a truck, he apologizes to the truck”

Jackie Mason

“Show me a good looser and I’ll show you an idiot”

Leo Durocher

“Parsley is gharsely”

Ogden Nash

“Fish and visitors stink after three days”

Benjamin Franklin

“Honolulu has everything: sand for the kids, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother”

Ken Dodd

“My brother was a karate expert, he joined the army and killed himself the first time he saluted an officer”

Henny Youngman

“A jury consists of 12 persons who has to decide who has the best lawyer”

Robert Frost

“Love is not the distant wail of the gypsy violin, it is the triumphant twang of a bed spring”

S.J. Perelman

“Man is Nature’s sole mistake”

W.S. Gilbert

“Wisdom outweighs wealth”

Sophocles

“You’re only black when you’re poor”

Larry Holmes

“My mother thought the doctor had left the stork and taken the baby”

Bob Hope

“Too bad the only people who know how to run the country and solve all our problems are driving cabs or cutting hair”

George Burns

“…and too bad, the people actually running the country should be driving cabs or cutting hair”

Diogenes

“Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long”

Ogden Nash

“Fools live to regret their words; wise men to regret their silence”

Will Henry

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious”

Bill Maher

“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool can mind it”

Henry David Thoreau

“The history of Scotland is one of theology tempered with homicide”

Ivor Brown

“The good think about masturbation is you don’t have to dress up for it”

Truman Capote

“I haven’t had a hit movie since Joan Collins was a virgin”

Burt Reynolds

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it”

Oscar Wilde

“It is extremely cold today, the England fielders are keeping their hands in their pockets between balls”

Christopher Martin-Jenkins

“My definition of utter waste is a coach load of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats”

Lamar Hunt

“Only in America could a Don King happen”

Don King

“Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something”

Plato

“The hardest thing in this world is to understand income tax”

Albert Einstein

“Television is a medium because anything well done is rare”

Fred Allen

“TV today is where fools allow charlatans entry for breakfast”

Diogenes

“Military intelligence is brought by oxen for morons…there should be a contraction for that”

Diogenes

“To be a skilled conversationalist in Britain, you need only study meteorology”

Diogenes

“Note that it’s generally the female of the species which bites”

Diogenes

“Don’t prostitute yourself to pay rent: live in a barrel”

Diogenes

Hope you enjoyed these gems. More later maybe…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 4 weeks ago from North Texas

      Have to disagree that usually the female of the species bites. Although you may be being technical. The male of the human species thinks females are punching bags and with no feelings of any kind physical, mental, or emotional. Lots of male cats and dogs bite and worse.

      Hope you are well Bobby. Take care . . . xox

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 3 years ago from North Texas

      Do hope you survived the storm of a couple of days ago and that you are staying in where it's warm and dry. Take care . .

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      “Fish and visitors stink after three days” - Benjamin Franklin - This is interesting because one of my grandmothers was of the opinion that a visit should last half hour to an hour max. So, she would come in my room when I was a kid and kick my friends out LOL I used to get so angry and embarrassed - I suppose this is an idea which changes with generations because I often have friends who come over for days on end, maybe even a week ...

      "Don’t prostitute yourself to pay rent: live in a barrel” - Yup, I am almost there (once my father gets sick of me, or I of him lol).

      And I certainly enjoyed the: “A jury consists of 12 persons who has to decide who has the best lawyer”. The judicial system is a joke: it's all about who has more money and not about justice at all. A French rapper, Sinik said it pretty good when he stated: "Les police a pars tout mais la justice est nul pas" - "The police is everywhere but there is no justice."

      I enjoyed the read.

      Cheers!

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 3 years ago from Texas

      My favorite: “Bush was elected by a secret committee who wanted the American people to suffer less if a president was shot during these turbulent times…sadly, no one jumped at the opportunity”

      My answer: "I am glad Bush was not shot, it would have made him a great president, which he was not and never will be, no matter who re-writes history"

      I stopped believing in astrology when I got married. I am a Virgo....Shyron Shenko

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 3 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      There were some gems here. Such concise sayings live on because we can identify with them.

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 3 years ago from North Texas

      I love the photo comparison! I'm sure it will offend some people as will my words, but if they can't take it, don't dish it out. Sharing!

      Glad you are in good spirits, Bobby! xox

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 4 years ago from Neverland

      You have a great collection of quotes here. Some were funny and others were real thinkers :) Im bookmarking the page so I can use some of the quotes in greeting cards I make. Voted Up and Useful

    • Perry the Cat profile image

      Perry the Cat 5 years ago from Mouskin, Texas

      I like Murphy's Law and its corollaries.

      Anything that can go wrong, will.

      If anything cannot go wrong, it will anyways.

      If any number of things could go wrong, the most destructive will occur first.

      If anything can go wrong, it will. And it will be your fault.

      Murphy's "butter side down" theory: If you take ten pieces of toast buttered on one side and throw them into the air, nine of them will land butter side down. The tenth will be stuck to the ceiling.

    • Trish_M profile image

      Tricia Mason 5 years ago from The English Midlands

      Hi :)

      A number of those made me smile, but this one made me think:

      “Man is Nature’s sole mistake”.

      And I agree that '“To be a skilled conversationalist in Britain, you need only study meteorology”'.

    • Perry the Cat profile image

      Perry the Cat 5 years ago from Mouskin, Texas

      Great stuff. My two favorite quotes: Do what you can with what you have where you are. T Roosevelt

      and

      All unnecessary stress will be returned immediately! K Fairweather

      WC Fields once said, "I never drink water. Fish f*ck in it."

    • BobbiRant profile image

      BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

      This is simply wonderful, but I never expect less from your writing. I absolutely adore good quotes and you have some great ones here. I like yours most about legalized lying. Great one! I loved reading this one so much!

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 5 years ago from Australia

      Haha! Loving these quotes Bob.

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 5 years ago from USA

      Very humorous, Bob! Quotes by Bob Hope and Plato seem equally wise in this instance. Love your original quotables, too, though I don't usually bite...well, it depends...

    • profile image

      diogenes 5 years ago

      Thanks for comments guys. This was a real fill-in hub! I am amazed it got any attention, much less the kind remarks received

      Bob

    • bell du jour profile image

      bell du jour 5 years ago from Ireland

      Hi Bob, love these and particularly your own gems! Look forward to some more. Bell

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

      Great selection

    • kj force profile image

      kjforce 5 years ago from Florida

      Diogenes..very creative hub..throughly ..I have an original for you....

      " A Liver kspot is a mature freckle "...and one of my life's quirks...

      " When you finally figure out what's what in life..it's went "..both are original works by moi...feel free to use at your own risk....look forward to reading more of your hubs...

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 5 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      Pretty amusing. It put a smile on my face.

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

      Bob, great quotes and I liked the smattering of your own words :o) I look forward to the next one.

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 5 years ago from North Texas

      Good for a laugh and in some cases food for thought. I liked Maher the best. Oh, and the apes with your explanation are precious!

      Voted you up and funny, Bobby!

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      Oh Bob, looks like you've been gathering funnies! This was a riot to read, one funnier than the other. If someone had a gun to my head and I had to choose a favorite, I think I'd get shot!

      According to Plato, “Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something”, you must be a wise man!

      Voted up and funny. Keep 'em coming!

    • profile image

      Janhorner 5 years ago

      This list of quotes has made me laugh so much and, especially the ones from Bob Hope and Ken Dodd.

      I remember reading about a phrase Mae West used (not a quote really), it went "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."

      Loved this; wanted to vote up but when I get a message in my email saying someone I'm following has written a new hub I click on the link but the vote menu etc is not showing. So I have pinned and tweeted!

      Jan

    • John Holden profile image

      John Holden 5 years ago

      How could you miss the great cricketing one of Johhners -

      " The batsman is Holding, the bowler's Willie!"