Some funny political jokes from 2011
I wanted to do something a little different for my last planned Hub of the year. The only problem was I had a hard time deciding exactly what. It has been a little hectic around here due to the holidays so I've not had the best chance to sit and write the kind of stuff I usually do. But still, I didn't feel right just saying good-bye to 2011 without posting something with hopefully a little humor.
SO...I finally decided to maybe readers would like to hear some of the jokes I've received and/or sent to others throughout the year. From these I have selected politically themed jokes, as this has proved the most popular subject of jokes in 2011. Now, if you're easily offended by political jokes or have a favorite political figure you simply can't bear to see dissed in a humorous way, you may want to skip this post. On the other hand, if you accept the fact that every political persona on earth has been the subject of humor at one time or another then you may just enjoy these!
Michelle is told her husband's diagnosis
During a State trip to a remote South Pacific island nation Barack Obama is bitten by a mosquito. While he thinks nothing of the bite at first, it soon becomes infected and the President becomes deathly sick. He is rushed home to D.C. and here, the White House physicians determine that Obama has contracted a rare disease from the mosquito, one that attacks the entire neurological system. The President is treated by the best specialists in D.C., who a few days later, release him to go home. However, the President is bed-ridden. His head physician makes a call to Michelle and asks her to come in for a consultation regarding the President’s condition.
On FLOTUS’s arrival the physician is very sober. “The President is seriously ill,” the physician says. “But with proper care and the help of those closest to him I believe we can give him an optimistic prognosis.”
Michelle nods and the physician continues, “First and foremost, it is vital that he doesn’t get upset. He needs to be in pleasant surroundings at all times, with absolutely no stress. Don’t argue with him. Be cheerful and indulgent of his every need. Smile and show him he’s the most important thing in your life. Serve him his favorite foods. If he wants to smoke, let him. If he wants a beer, don’t nag, just let him enjoy it. Also, he should not be moved. He needs to be at home, surrounded by his family instead of taking vacations that will over-exert his strength. See to it your husband receives this devoted care and you can expect the President to survive to a ripe old age.”
Michelle thanks the physician and returns to the White House. She enters the bedroom suite she and Barack share and finds him lying in bed. At her approach Barack raises his head off the pillow, takes her hand and asks what the doctor said.
Michelle pats his hand and replies, “He says you’re a dead man, Barry.”
Perry at the Trivia Challenge
Things have taken a nasty turn on the GOP campaign trail as Rick Perry has released a commercial that insinuates Mitt Romney is a fraud and possibly of illegitimate birth. Likewise, Romney has alluded in several recent interviews that Perry isn’t very bright. The media is having a ball with the obvious contention between the two rivals, so much so that attention is being diverted from the serious issues. So Newt Gingrich suggests that to regain public respect the two should compete together at the Trivia Challenge for Charity to take place in Nashville. The men’s advisors concede this is good strategy and will give both men a chance to show the public that they can behave like adults toward each other.
Perry and Romney agree and go to Tennessee for the Challenge. They are among seven celebrity contestants on stage that night, and the winner will take away $100,000 for their favorite charity. Perry and Romney easily knock out the other contenders so by the next to the last round they are the only two contestants left. Perry barely beats Romney during this round and is now totally stressed. He knows all he has to do is answer one more question correctly to beat Romney and win. But as the round opens Romney is holding his ground and answering just as aptly as Perry. Worse, the arrogant look on Romney’s face makes it difficult for Perry to keep his temper in control.
Perry takes a long breath as host Urha Schmidt asks him a new question: “Governor Perry, which U.S. government agency is known by the abbreviation NLRB?”
Perry sees Romney smirk but he’s not daunted. He gives Romney a cocky sneer. “That’s easy MITT,” Perry says, “the National League of Revenue Bureau.”
The host shakes her head. “I’m sorry, but the correct answer is the National Labor Relations Board.”
Perry’s jaw falls open as the host moves on to Romney: “Governor Romney, what is the name of the angel the Mormon Church says led Joseph Smith to the golden plates?”
Giving Perry a pompous look Romney says, “That’s easy, Urha..Moroni!”
Indignant, Perry screams, "And you're a lying bastard!"
Holder stands trial
After many long years of denying any responsibility whatsoever Eric Holder is finally charged in connection with the infamous Fast and Furious debacle. Holder faces a determined prosecutor who is confident that Holder will be put away for many years. But Holder’s group of elite attorneys is just as determined to convince the jury that not only are the charges ridiculous, but that Holder is being victimized by racism from a prejudicial judicial system. Toward this goal they scrupulously screen each and every potential juror to eliminate any possible chance a single member jury will harbor prejudices based on the color of their client’s skin. It is a long process that exasperates the District Attorney, but after several weeks Holder's attorneys are satisfied with a jury selection.
The case goes on for several weeks before the case closes. The jury, however, retires for only one hour before returning with a verdict. The judge asks the foreman to pronounce the verdict, and when he does it is one of Guilty on all counts. Holder’s jaw falls open in shock. His chief attorney insists that the judge dismiss the case because the jury obviously reached their decision based on racial bias.
The District Attorney pipes up, “Need I remind you that you and your team took up an inordinate length of the court’s time in approving jury selection? The court and the district attorney’s office have been very indulgent of your fastidious expectations, and to allude now that the jury was prejudiced seems quite unfair.”
The attorney replies, “Need I remind you this request is in my privilege.” He turns to the judge now and adds pointedly, “And need I remind you, Your Honor, of my client’s office in our government? And that the White House won’t look too kindly if there is even a hint that any one of these jurors reached a decision based on the color of the man they’ve seen me defend?”
The judge’s stomach knots. While he’s reluctant to question the jury’s integrity at this point, he certainly doesn’t want trouble with the White House. So he agrees to poll the jury.
He turns to the jury box and says, “Ok, a show of hands. Who here thinks the defendant was born pink and green and polka-dot all over?”
Twelve white-tipped canes simultaneously go up into the air.
What’s the difference between a Ron Paul fanatic and the average big hairy thing in the bathroom that runs into view only when someone’s sitting there minding their own business?
A: Unlike with the bug your husband won’t be saying “It won’t bite!” about the Ron Paul supporter.
What’s the difference between the road to hell and Ron Paul newsletters?
A: The road comes to an end.
Why is it so hard to get Nancy Pelosi out of office?
A: She's learned how to duck a bucket of water.
How do you get Mitt Romney out of a Presidential race?
A: Remove the tires from Barbie's Corvette
How do you coax Mitt Romney into a hot topic?
A: Tell him Barbie’s waiting inside with her credit card and needs his pants size.
How do you know Mitt Romney is blazing the campaign trail?
A: By the smell of the burning plastic
How do you know when President Obama is going to visit a foreign leader?
A: He packs knee pads and lip balm
Rick Santorum's interview
After the GOP debate Rick Santorum is asked to the side of the stage to do an interview with FOX New’s Brett Baier. During the interview Baier asks the Congressman why he thinks he has the right stuff to run for the office of President.
Santorum recounts his list of credentials and qualifications. Baier nods and says, “That is all impressive, Congressman, but why do you personally think you should run?”
Santorum blushes and he answers modestly, “Because I believe this is what God has called me to do.”
Baier says, “Don’t you think some people might use such belief to hint that you could be..how can I say this? Er..loony?”
“Loony is as loony does,” Santorum shrugs. “But I don’t worry, as God has also promised to be there for all of us during times of adversity.”
At that moment Michele Bachmann runs up and snips, “No, I didn’t!”
Al Gore at the Pearly Gates
Al Gore dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. Waiting at the booth, with the Book of Life in hand, is St. Peter. Seeing Gore, St. Peter opens the book and begins reading through Gore’s page.
“Hm, Mr. Gore,” the saint says, “from what I’m reading here, you spent your life a lying humbug who loved money and power above your fellow man. I’m sorry, with a record like this we can’t let you in.”
“But St. Peter,” Gore points out, “I accomplished to answer the prayers of millions, and in doing so single-handedly returned faith in a happier, more peaceable future for the entire world.”
St. Peter is impressed. “Really?” He frantically begins looking back over the passages. “Ok, I’m looking..so when did you do this?”
Gore looks at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”
Angie says her nightly prayer
Angie puts on her night gown and brushes her teeth. Now, as she does every night before sleep, Angie kneels at her bedside. She folds her hands and closes her eyes.
“Dear God,” Angie says, “Leslie Nielsen was my favorite actor and you took him. Patrice O’Neal was my favorite comedian and you took him. Amy Winehouse was my favorite singer and you took her. I do not hold any of this against you, Lord, but just want to let you know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen.”
Kim Jong-Il goes to his eternal reward
Upon death Kim Jong-IL arrives at the gates of Hela’s abode and is met by the fearsome looking Lady of Death herself. The Lady informs Kim that while he has earned a punishment reserved for the worst of wrong-doers, it is Her custom to let even the most fiendish of souls choose from a variety of fitting rewards.
So the Lady leads Kim through the halls of Hel, opening various doors where the punishments of his peers are going on. Behind one door Kim is shown a banquet room. Here, an emaciated Joseph Stalin sits at a great table on which is crowded plates and platters of every type of delicious delicacy ever created. But every time Stalin reaches for a morsel the food turns to poop on his fork before it even reaches his mouth.
Kim is disgusted and tells Hela to show him another room. She leads him to the next door, and here shows him a chamber full of dogs. It also has a floor of damp sand, and in the middle of this is the sinister Pol Pot, buried up to his neck. As Kim watches on the dogs take turns hoisting a back leg and whizzing in the mass murderer’s face.
Kim is again disgusted and asks Hela to show him something else. She informs him there is only one suitable punishment left for him to choose from. She takes him to the last door, and as she opens it Kim sees Saddam Hussein shackled to a bed of nails. But to Kim’s surprise Marilyn Monroe is here, too. She’s naked and beautiful as she’d been in life and attending to Hussein’s every carnal wish.
Kim says quickly, “I’ll take this one.”
“Are you sure?” Hela asks. “There is no changing your mind once you choose.”
Kim doesn’t have to think twice. “I think I can handle this punishment,” he tells Hela, trying to conceal his glee.
“So be it,” Hela says. “Ok, Marilyn, you’ve been relieved.”
The White House doctors
Four White House doctors meet for a drink at their favorite bar. Planted at their usual table and sipping down their beer, the four begin comparing the day’s notes.
“It’s been hell day,” one doctor complains. “I was giving Valerie Jarret her pap smear today. The speculum froze in my hand, and now I’ve got frostbite.”
The second doctor pipes up, “You think that’s hard? I had the First Lady come in my today and she went around the waiting room snatching the lollipops from all my young patients.”
“That’s nothing,” the third doctor retorts. “Jay Carney came in today wanting me to stretch his height. I played hell doing it without shattering his spine.”
The fourth doctor grunts and says, “I got all you whiners beat,” he says. “Joe Biden came to my office after holding a press conference this morning. Took me five hours to get the foot out of his mouth.”
Off to see the Wizard
Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Rahm Emanuel and Anthony Weiner are caught in a tornado and are all whirled off to Oz. They make it down the yellow brick road and come to the EmeraldCity and are let in to see the Great Wizard of Oz.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Barack Obama steps forward and says timidly, “I-I want some courage.”
“VERY WELL. I KNOW YOU NEED IT, BARRY. SO IT IS DONE. WHO IS NEXT?”
Eric Holder comes up and says, “I would like a brain, Wizard.”
‘YES, WE WOULD ALL LIKE THAT. SO CONSIDER IT DONE. WHO IS NEXT?”
Rahm Emanuel steps forward and says, “Me, Great Wizard. I want a heart.”
‘NOT A SECOND TOO SOON, RAHM. IT IS GRANTED TO YOU. NOW, WHO IS NEXT TO SEE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?”
The hall of the Wizard resounds with silence. Everyone looks over to Anthony Weiner, who is just standing there, glancing around with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.
“WELL, ANTHONY,” the Wizard thunders, “DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK OF ME?”
“Yes,” Weiner says, “do you know if Dorothy received my emails?”
FLOTUS and the wondrous weight-loss pills
When Barack announced he was planning a state dinner for two important ambassadors and a wealthy king FLOTUS knew she simply had to have something spectacular to wear. But the idea of having to wear one of her old gowns was unpleasant, and then she remembered the one her newest Paris designer had sent as a Christmas gift. It was a gorgeous gown, one-of-a-kind, tailored of costly gold tissue and embroidered with dozens of real pearls and other jewels. The only problem was that it was five sizes too small. Michelle had been planning on going on a diet after the holidays but just hadn’t got around to it yet. And with the state dinner planned for less than ten days away she had no idea what she was going to do!
Close to panicking, Michelle called in her doctor and told him about her predicament
“I know you’re not a miracle worker,” Michelle said tearfully. “But the dinner is only days away! Is there ANYTHING you can do to help me lose enough weight to fit into my lovely new gown before then?”
The doctor thought a few moments. Then he said, “As it so happens I came by some samples of a brand new line of diet pills. They are all the rage in Europe right now, as patients and doctors alike hail them as outright wonder pills. Although they’ve not yet been approved by the FDA I have been given authorized samples to use for case studies at my own discretion.”
Michelle felt a twinge of hope. “Oh please, show me!”
The doctor took from his case three glass vials of pills: the pills in the first vial were purple, the second ones were amber and the pills in the last were black.
“The purple ones sell on the black market for $25 a pill,” the doctor told Michelle, “the amber ones sell for $50 and the black pills sell for $100. I can give you a sample of the purple pills if you’d like.”
Michelle happily agreed and the doctor left her one of the purple pills, instructing her to take it with a glass of water right before going to bed. That night, after getting ready for bed and telling her family goodnight, Michelle got on the scales. The number was disappointing again, so she hopefully downed the purple pill and crawled into bed.
That night Michelle had a most wondrous dream. She found herself standing in a darkened wood. She heard a babbling brook nearby and felt a warm summer breeze caress her skin. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw a tall figure standing close by. The moonlight fell upon his firm muscles, and now she saw the figure was none other than Senator Marco Rubio. He wore nothing but a pair of leopard print boxer shorts and a come-hither smile that sent shivers of desire through Michelle’s thighs.
Rubio whispered to her in a sensuous voice, “If you catch me I'm yours!” He turned then and sprinted away with Michelle eagerly following. Through the woods she chased him, and into a great grassy field. Michelle ran and ran until her heart was pumping faster than it had ever pumped before. On and on she gave chase, almost catching the Senator a few times. Just as she came close enough that her finger tips grazed his tanned back the sun came up over the eastern mountains.
At that moment Michelle woke up. Her heart was still racing and she felt flushed and out of breath. But she felt good, too. And when she went to the scales and took her weight she was amazed. She’d lost five pounds overnight!
Excited, she called the doctor back in and told him the good news.
“Please, let me try the amber pill now,” she said. “If I lost five pounds with the purple one the amber pill is sure to make me lose faster!”
So the doctor gave her a sample of the $50 amber pill, instructing her again to take it with water right before going to bed.
That night Michelle was whistling when she got in bed and so excited it took awhile to get to sleep. But eventually she drifted off.
She dreamed again, finding herself in the same darkened woods, with the summer breeze washing over her senses with a virile scent. A figure was close by, and as he turned, Michelle saw that this time it was Senator Scott Brown. He was all buff and trim and downright gorgeous in the moonlight, wearing nothing but a pair of tight red briefs and a smoldering smile.
In a low, husky voice Brown said, “If you catch me I'm yours!” He took off then, with Michelle giving chase. Through the woods she pursued him, still hot on his heels when they reached the great field. Desperate not to fail this time Michelle ran even harder than before. The blood pounded in her ears and her legs ached. But nothing ached as much as the determination to catch Brown. Just as Michelle’s hands snatched a lock of his golden hair the sun came up over the east.
Michelle woke up. She was breathless from both exertion and physical desire. And when she checked her weight on the scales, she was ecstatic to discover she’d lost ten more pounds!
She was happier, but knew that if the $50 amber pill had doubled the strength of the first pill, the black $100 pill had to be at least four times more effective. So she called her doctor in again. She told him the great news and said that if he’d give her the black pill she just knew she’d be down to her ideal weight in no time. The doctor agreed to let her try one and left her eager for bedtime.
That night Michelle was whistling again as she prepared for bed. But this time she put on her sexiest nightie, too, and doused herself with her favorite perfume. And getting under the covers, Michelle closed her eyes and waited happily to drift off.
At last Michelle went to sleep. She again found herself in the beautiful night woods and the summer breeze tickled her skin. She looked over eagerly for her nocturnal companion. The brambles rustled and a figure stepped forth Michelle was shocked to see it was Representative Henry Waxman. He was dressed in only a thong, and the moonlight glared painfully off his pale, saggy muscles and egg-shaped dome of a head.
Waxman gave Michelle a toothy grin and a twitch of his rabbity mustache. Then with a glint in his eyes Waxman whispered, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”