Sponsor the World : How to Produce Effective Advertising
Sponsor the World : How to Produce Effective Advertsing
“Adverts, Adverts everywhere and don’t you stop to think!!”
Of all the things that bother me most about modern life, intrusive advertising has got to be the most irritating and infuriating. It drives me nuts.
'Nuts!! Whole hazelnuts!!!, Ooo!!! Cadbury's take 'em and they cover them with choclate' Yes, infuriating they are 'Go Compare!!! Go Compare!!!' and see what you think. 'Just do it!!' I say.
Not that I am influenced you understand, no, no no, I am impervious to their influence and I have that ring of confidence because I'm worth it. So have a break, have a Kit-Kat and explore the endless possibilities of advertising.
But don’t get me wrong, I know global warming, international politics and the disastrous credit-crunch are a lot worse to most people.
But for sheer, in your face, distraction on a daily basis the omnipresent nuisance of posters, billboards, internet pop-ups, 'Drink Jack Daniels!!! Drink Jack Daniels!!, trackside LED screens at sports events.
Then there's newspapers, magazines, 'Diet Coke!! Diet Coke!!! have it with a Diet Coke' and TV and Radio commercials take the biscuit.
And wash it down with a beer chaser because it's 'Miller Time!' don't you know.
You got to move it, move it!
Especially annoying are those modern kinetic and animated adverts, deliberately constructed to catch the eye of even the most determined commercophobes like myself. Bad for the nerves too as you leisurely stroll down the street on a quiet Sunday afternoon and all of a sudden the billboard above starts whirring fiendishly as it rotates its shutters. Once I’ve lifted my quivering carcass off the pavement my eyes slowly gaze upwards to behold the entreaty to “P-P-P Pick up a penguin!!!” That really does take the biscuit.
I can’t even watch a game of football on the television without my eyes being slavishly drawn to the trackside as the ‘Mastercard’ advert overtakes Ryan Giggs down the left wing and before I’ve finished reading “there are some things money can’t buy....” Manchester United have scored a goal. Bastards!!!
I missed the friggin goal because of your flickering, pixelated exhortation hypnotically dragging me into your unwanted sloganeering. And the advert was at least 5 yards offside into the bargain. What the hell was the linesman doing? Reading the ‘Barclays Bank Savers Account’ billboard behind the goal no doubt. At least the myopic football officials here in Scotland are more honest in wearing the ‘Specsavers’ logos on their outfits.
Leave the 'driving you mad' to us
Back to the present on terra firma, they even have video adverts on the buses here in Glasgow, usually for puerile Hollywood blockbuster movies or ‘The Sun’ newspaper.
In fact on a 20 minute journey recently the display was on a two-advert loop that repeated itself every 60 seconds or so 'Bingo-Sun, Bingo-Sun, Bingo-Sun, Bingo-Sun, Bingo-Sun, Bingo-Sun'. Psychological water torture of the most heinous kind and I would have confessed to anything if a ticket inspector had come aboard the bus.
“Honest mister, I thought my ticket had another day to go! I’ll pay double, I’ll pay double, just leave me alone!!!” And all I wanted was to read my reassuringly expensive newspaper in peace and quiet with all the news that's fit to print.
But even that is fraught with menace as you soon discover when you open it up. Because falling out all over the floor are about 14 glossy marketing brochures, grasping for your cash for a low-cost mail-order Book Club or new pension plans deals for the eternal pessimist terrified of poverty in their old-age.
Lust for cash
Talking of old age, a real dismay for me as a true dyed-in-the-wool Heavy Metal fan was to see Gothic black art legend Alice Cooper endorsing the Norwich Union insurance company, or ‘Aviva’ as it’s now known, much to the chagrin of the good people of Norwich who've lost their place on the financial services map.
School’s out for ever my friends, welcome to my nightmare as class is dismissed! I even remember him advertising Sky TV playing the straight man to the diminutive comedian Ronnie Corbett not to forget the nadir of presenting a prize at the National TV Soap awards. Iggy Pop followed suit without wearing a suit just to suit the suits at Swiftcover car insurance.
But the writing was on the wall for the credibility of the ancient Rock Rebel mystique when a few years ago the immortal Lemmy played violin on a ‘Kit-Kat’ commercial. Even worse he later showed up trying to force us to buy Walkers Crisps in the company of Gary bloody Lineker. Offside Ref, Offside!!! However, slight redemption came in 2010 when Motorhead's bluesy version of 'Ace of Spades' was used to sell Kronenbourg 1664 beer. A potent concoction that was indeed worthy to be sold by the Rock n' Roll black masters of drunken debauchery and hedonistic excess.
The future's not too bright
But we’ll be soon be heading for the day when the nightmare of Ridley Scott’s dystopian vision of ‘Blade Runner’ comes true.
With Japanese corporations hovering above our heads haranguing us with "TDK, where the entertainment begins!” or a ‘Minority Report’ style bombardment of imposing computerised slogans, holographic blurbs and personalised messages.
All delivered from a database that knows all your personal details right down to your underwear preference and the size of your dog’s inside leg measurement. 'Look your best while you wear our least' as they say.
The grand conjugation
Taking that point even further, I had the notion that our planet might one day become known as ‘Google Earth’. Well why not? Everything else gets sponsored, why not go the full hog in our ever complex corporate world?
Google dominates our culture anyway, it’s even a verb now “I google, you google, everbody googles”. “If you don’t know it, Google it!!” It’s everywhere and very sinister as it leads to widespread cheating in pub quizzes. But before then we could even name other famous locations and institutions of our world.
My friend speculated that if Google wants to buy the rights to sponsorship for Earth then they would have to pay all of us something in return.
But then would each new human born to this planet have to buy an admission ticket? Turnstiles in the Maternity Ward, the midwife will take your cash and stamp your head with a receipt.
We wondered if we could all get personally sponsored, perhaps a 1" by 1" spot on our heads for advertising space. It would certainly help with the bills and I'm sure it would be possible once Google improve the technology.
With more high resolution and a powerful 'zoom-in' capacity from the satellites you could simply type in someone's Social Security number and trace them anywhere on the planet where you could see what they're advertising on their bonce. Bald people could offer multiple opportunites and I'm sure the Rockerfellers would be interested since they apparently want to insert computer chips inside us all now.
It's good to talk
How about introducing messages into everyday conversation to make some money, talk may be cheap but at least it could be profitable. Imagine two blokes meeting at a party;
“Hi there, pleased to meet you, my name’s Eric and I come to you today in association with Budweiser beer, the genuine article”
“Pleasure to meet you too Eric, my name is Dave and thanks to British Rail point-to-point ticket I’m here today to tell you ‘Let the train take the strain’, it’s so good to link up with you at last and……..”
“Sorry Dave! I have to interrupt you there as we’re going to some more messages, I’ll be right back to you”
“No problem, don’t go away now!”
Selling Scotland by the pound
I wouldn't even mind us Scots giving it up too, we could be known as the “Ballantynes Scotch Whisky State of Scotland” to sell our national drink and encourage tourists to visit our ‘McSweens Haggis’ Highland Mountains, the rolling landscape of the ‘Tunnocks’ Glens, historic Edinburgh 'Drambuie' Castle or try and catch a glimpse of the ‘Tennent’s Lager’ Loch Ness Monster.
At least it would be cheaper living here, or am I just kidding myself?
Never mind, I'm glad you read your way through all this hypocrisy and ranting contradiction. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you? But I do hope our sponsors have a sense of humour and irony and I hope you're enjoyment of this article was augmented by the wonderful commercial opportunites available to you.
Buy! Buy! for now.
Yet more golden opportunites brought to you by Shinkicker Inc.
- CSI Los Angeles : Death in Beverley Hills
An upper-middle class residence in an exclusive area of Beverley Hills is the focus of public attention. Police vehicles are stationed outside and local officers keep back eager on-lookers straining to see what is happening inside.
- Practical Uses of a Social Sciences Degree : Court Counsellor to His Royal Majesty King Henry VIII
A Psychoanalytical encounter with an historical legend proving the advantages of a degree in History and Psychology. Yes! I'm a Social Sciences graduate which means that I can't do sums.
- Heavy Metal Legends : Interview with Eddie of Iron Maiden
Interview with Eddie of Iron Maiden. Probably the most photographed star in the music business who has never lost his looks, although that's not saying much. He is the face that launched a thousand glitter patches and a million childhood nightmares.
- Buy Italian Wine Online : Following the Mamovy Trail
Gargle if you may and launch it into a bucket but I prefer to drink the stuff. Whether an esteemed vintage from a famous cellar or a mass-produced carton of the cheap stuff I'll try it all.
- A History of Glasgow Part 1: The Roman Occupation and Early Christianity
An alternative history for the least-easily offended. The origins of the Glasgow people is said to be a mixture of Northern Irish, Welsh and the odd Viking to bring a hint of ginger to the local hairstyles.