ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Storyline - 8: "The Name's King, Nosmo King! Stub That Cigarette!" (Fiction? Well, Maybe...)

Updated on October 24, 2021

'One more drag before it goes in the bin - ah, shame to waste a light'.

Frustration, or relaxing? Could be the thin end of the wedge... What was relaxing becomes a need.
Frustration, or relaxing? Could be the thin end of the wedge... What was relaxing becomes a need. | Source

There I was in my local one day, supping a pint. I thought, 'I know what's missing...'

I felt so much at home *I thought I'd have a light-up. Stretching back on the chair I reached into my trouser pocket and fished about for my lighter. Coins ran through my fingers, house keys... Ah, the lighter!

Having found it I checked to see it was still working and flicked the flint.

Nice! The flame was steady and I 'stubbed' it again. My left hand reached to my shirt pocket, the fingers stirring its contents, mobile phone, car keys... Ciggies!

'Okay', I thought. 'It feels as though there's a couple still in the packet. I can spare one for the time being until I pass another paper shop'.

With two fingers I fished out the packet, and knocked one out with a quick flick of the index and second finger of my other hand. 'Dead sexy', I figured, with these Yank ciggies. I squinted like one of these Western characters - or maybe James Dean - into the middle distance at a couple of nice-looking, slim, long-legged and mini-skirted birds out in the street, and then picked up the lighter from where it lay beside by my glass on the table in front of me.

I lit up and took a long drag.

That was just the beginning of my woes! With a flash someone upended a glass of water over me. Boy, was I doused! I looked around and saw this character standing behind me, beaming as if he had done something truly heroic! He was dressed in a weird manner, a bit like Superman - you know, all 'Goody-goody' - with thick glasses, a red T-shirt tucked into his blue 'Y'-Fronts, and what looked like Wellington boots on his feet. A bit dinky if you ask me, but I wasn't disposed to sight-seeing right then. I felt like putting out his lights. Permanently! I reached up for his scraggy neck with both hands -

Wrong move! I was on my back before you could say 'Camel Filter'! Clean out of breath, with the clown standing over me. I thought I'd give him time to lose interest in me and let his thoughts stray elsewhere. I tried to rise and push him out of the way. Teach him a lesson! Well I thought I would!

Wrong again! Before I knew it, I was on my knees with my hands behind my back, a bit constrained you might say. He eased his hold on my hands. I thought he had relented but a few words whispered into my right ear let me know why,

'Health and safety! I might over-strain myself holding onto your arms like that'. Thus saying, he ruffled my hair in a friendly sort of manner, like an older brother. I didn't need an older brother right then, though, and tried asking what the strong-arm tactics were all about. But my input wasn't needed right then. 'What'd you say?'

He taunted me, knew I wasn't able to say much from where I was, on my knees with my cheeks rubbing his mucky boot soles. Well-polished, I had to admire them that close up, but was it necessary for me to smell the polish - and dog muck as well? Was this some sort of Fascist state suddenly, where if your face didn't fit you got the 'treatment'? When at last I was let up, I straightened my clothes. My lighter was somewhere near the door, but I couldn't see where the ciggie had got to. I looked all around - no! Gone(awol)!

'Were you looking for this?' the comedian asked, brandishing my last-but-one tobacco tube, coffin nail or whatever you want to call it.

He crumpled it up, letting the tobacco flakes fall to the floor. My jaw seemed to drop with it. Mind you, there was another here who wasn't too pleased with him. The pub dogsbody-cum- cleaner frowned, dustpan and brush at the ready.

'Who the **** do you think you are?' I asked, really naffed off by this time. Everybody was looking at me, all superior and such. Who did they think they were? Toffs! This was supposed to be the end of the working day after all, wasn't it? A long day of toil and trouble, and a visit to the local ending with - what? A drubbing, that's what! Why the ****?!

'I asked, "Who the **** do you think you are"? I still haven't had an answer!' I was going to get it out of him one way or another, even if he was going to wipe the floor with my beard before I got it.

'Temper, temper', he wagged a finger. 'You really think I should need to tell you?'

He beamed at everyone around him and received a standing applause from all the 'beano-brains' sitting around. They were probably waiting for him to finish off the job. This was the last time I was going to stop by here for a jar on the way home!

'You really don't know?' He stood there, arms folded across his chest, looking at me as if i'd come straight down, non-stop from Mars or somewhere out of this universe. I thought maybe the blank look on my face was enough to give him a clue. His 'fan-club' didn't have any more idea than he had.

'Oh well, I suppose I'll have to tell you...' He was taunting me again. I looked at him, waiting for revelation.

'The name's King, Nosmo King'.

Was that it? Some sort of joke! I had to put up with all that 'aggro' for a joke?

'So what's the big game?' I demanded. I reached for my last ciggie, but thought better of it. He might go overboard again. That would give the bystanders another treat.

Then it began to sink in... King - well there's plenty with that name. I remembered a comedian-turned actor by that name, Dave King. He wasn't that much of a comedian, though. I thought again, Tara King in 'The Avengers' with Patrick McNee. She was a bit of a martial arts freak, tossing the 'usual suspects' through the air...

It tumbled home then - with a vengeance. Clank-clank into the brain-pit like a penny in the weighing machine ! Nosmo King! It was still turning over in that sieve I call a brain later that evening when I dropped off in front of the telly, watching some quiz programme. I looked up suddenly in a Eureka moment during the commercial break, an advert advising on how to quit smoking. The 'hero' of the ad stood crumpling up his ciggie outside a pub, in front of him a red sign: 'No Smoking'.


*The author wishes to inform this is total fiction. He doesn't smoke - not since 1962

Smokers no longer wanted...

'Butt out!' (This almost qualifies to go on show at the Tate Modern Gallery. Well, why not... after Tracy Emin's unmade bed
'Butt out!' (This almost qualifies to go on show at the Tate Modern Gallery. Well, why not... after Tracy Emin's unmade bed | Source
Girl shoppers in Carnaby Street - no sign of ciggies here!
Girl shoppers in Carnaby Street - no sign of ciggies here! | Source
None here either - empty ashtrays or no ashtrays at all! All smokers are out in the street
None here either - empty ashtrays or no ashtrays at all! All smokers are out in the street | Source
See description below
See description below | Source

Here's an admission from the author: I smoked a long time ago, back in 1962 (when I was 15, started a couple of years earlier but gave it up because I couldn't afford it, simple - had to keep cash aside for my *bus fare home when I was at art school in Scarborough)

There are many other reasons why smokers should pack it in, mainly for health issues. Take a look inside and do yourself a favour. Maybe your willpower's challenged by everyday stresses. All the more reason to stop before a stroke or heart attack takes you in your prime or middle age. A stroke could leave you damaged for the rest of your life, a coronary might rob you of the rest of your life. Your choice.

Are you a smoker who wants to stop?

Do you want to give up smoking?

See results

© 2012 Alan R Lancaster


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)