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STORYLINE - 8: "THE NAME'S KING, NOSMO KING! Stub That Cigarette!" (Fiction? Well, Maybe...)

Updated on August 11, 2017

'One more drag before it goes in the bin - ah, shame to waste a light'.

Frustration, or relaxing? Could be the thin end of the wedge... What was relaxing becomes a need.
Frustration, or relaxing? Could be the thin end of the wedge... What was relaxing becomes a need. | Source
'There I was, I'd just lit up in the pub and this thing fell on me 'ead!'
'There I was, I'd just lit up in the pub and this thing fell on me 'ead!'
The little-known Nosmo tribe on the Great Plains. The middle one is the Nosmo chief. Most of us call him 'King-size' cos' he's a weedy so-and-so (from smoking, what else?)
The little-known Nosmo tribe on the Great Plains. The middle one is the Nosmo chief. Most of us call him 'King-size' cos' he's a weedy so-and-so (from smoking, what else?)
'The name's Camel... 'Humph Camel. I'll send you a fake crocodile-skin wallet when you've bought fifty packets!'
'The name's Camel... 'Humph Camel. I'll send you a fake crocodile-skin wallet when you've bought fifty packets!'
'Butt out!' (This almost qualifies to go on show at the Tate Modern Gallery. Well, why not... after Tracy Emin's unmade bed
'Butt out!' (This almost qualifies to go on show at the Tate Modern Gallery. Well, why not... after Tracy Emin's unmade bed | Source
Shoppers in Carnaby Street - nice distraction, now where was I? Uh-oh! Grey matter's lit out again!
Shoppers in Carnaby Street - nice distraction, now where was I? Uh-oh! Grey matter's lit out again!

There I was in my local one day, supping a pint. I thought, 'I know what's missing...'

I felt so much at home *I thought I'd have a light-up. Stretching back on the chair I reached into my trouser pocket and fished about for my lighter. Coins ran through my fingers, house keys... Ah, the lighter!

Having found it I checked to see it was still working and flicked the flint.

Nice! The flame was steady and I 'stubbed' it again. My left hand reached to my shirt pocket, the fingers stirring its contents, mobile phone, car keys... Ciggies!

'Okay', I thought. 'It feels as though there's a couple still in the packet. I can spare one for the time being until I pass another paper shop'.

With two fingers I fished out the packet, and knocked one out with a quick flick of the index and second finger of my other hand. 'Dead sexy', I figured, with these Yank ciggies. I squinted like one of these Western characters - or maybe James Dean - into the middle distance at a couple of nice-looking, slim, long-legged and mini-skirted birds out in the street, and then picked up the lighter from where it lay beside by my glass on the table in front of me.

I lit up and took a long drag.

That was just the beginning of my woes! With a flash someone upended a glass of water over me. Boy, was I doused! I looked around and saw this character standing behind me, beaming as if he had done something truly heroic! He was dressed in a weird manner, a bit like Superman - you know, all 'Goody-goody' - with thick glasses, a red T-shirt tucked into his blue 'Y'-Fronts, and what looked like Wellington boots on his feet. A bit dinky if you ask me, but I wasn't disposed to sight-seeing right then. I felt like putting out his lights. Permanently! I reached up for his scraggy neck with both hands -

Wrong move! I was on my back before you could say 'Camel Filter'! Clean out of breath, with the clown standing over me. I thought I'd give him time to lose interest in me and let his thoughts stray elsewhere. I tried to rise and push him out of the way. Teach him a lesson! Well I thought I would!

Wrong again! Before I knew it, I was on my knees with my hands behind my back, a bit constrained you might say. He eased his hold on my hands. I thought he had relented but a few words whispered into my right ear let me know why,

'Health and safety! I might over-strain myself holding onto your arms like that'. Thus saying, he ruffled my hair in a friendly sort of manner, like an older brother. I didn't need an older brother right then, though, and tried asking what the strong-arm tactics were all about. But my input wasn't needed right then. 'What'd you say?'

He taunted me, knew I wasn't able to say much from where I was, on my knees with my cheeks rubbing his mucky boot soles. Well-polished, I had to admire them that close up, but was it necessary for me to smell the polish - and dog muck as well? Was this some sort of Fascist state suddenly, where if your face didn't fit you got the 'treatment'? When at last I was let up, I straightened my clothes. My lighter was somewhere near the door, but I couldn't see where the ciggie had got to. I looked all around - no! Gone(awol)!

'Were you looking for this?' the comedian asked, brandishing my last-but-one tobacco tube, coffin nail or whatever you want to call it.

He crumpled it up, letting the tobacco flakes fall to the floor. My jaw seemed to drop with it. Mind you, there was another here who wasn't too pleased with him. The pub dogsbody-cum- cleaner frowned, dustpan and brush at the ready.

'Who the **** do you think you are?' I asked, really naffed off by this time. Everybody was looking at me, all superior and such. Who did they think they were? Toffs! This was supposed to be the end of the working day after all, wasn't it? A long day of toil and trouble, and a visit to the local ending with - what? A drubbing, that's what! Why the ****?!

'I asked, "Who the **** do you think you are"? I still haven't had an answer!' I was going to get it out of him one way or another, even if he was going to wipe the floor with my beard before I got it.

'Temper, temper', he wagged a finger. 'You really think I should need to tell you?'

He beamed at everyone around him and received a standing applause from all the 'beano-brains' sitting around. They were probably waiting for him to finish off the job. This was the last time I was going to stop by here for a jar on the way home!

'You really don't know?' He stood there, arms folded across his chest, looking at me as if i'd come straight down, non-stop from Mars or somewhere out of this universe. I thought maybe the blank look on my face was enough to give him a clue. His 'fan-club' didn't have any more idea than he had.

'Oh well, I suppose I'll have to tell you...' He was taunting me again. I looked at him, waiting for revelation.

'The name's King, Nosmo King'.

Was that it? Some sort of joke! I had to put up with all that 'aggro' for a joke?

'So what's the big game?' I demanded. I reached for my last ciggie, but thought better of it. He might go overboard again. That would give the bystanders another treat.

Then it began to sink in... King - well there's plenty with that name. I remembered a comedian-turned actor by that name, Dave King. He wasn't that much of a comedian, though. I thought again, Tara King in 'The Avengers' with Patrick McNee. She was a bit of a martial arts freak, tossing the 'usual suspects' through the air...

It tumbled home then - with a vengeance. Clank-clank into the brain-pit like a penny in the weighing machine ! Nosmo King! It was still turning over in that sieve I call a brain later that evening when I dropped off in front of the telly, watching some quiz programme. I looked up suddenly in a Eureka moment during the commercial break, an advert advising on how to quit smoking. The 'hero' of the ad stood crumpling up his ciggie outside a pub, in front of him a red sign: 'No Smoking'.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

*The author wishes to inform this is total fiction. He doesn't smoke - not since 1962

Anyone got a light? Course, up there on the ceiling!

Nosmo King? No, he's not in this pub mate!
Nosmo King? No, he's not in this pub mate! | Source

Here's an admission from the author: I smoked a long time ago, back in 1962 (when I was 15, started a couple of years earlier but gave it up because I couldn't afford it, simple - had to keep cash aside for my *5/- bus fare home to Teesside on Fridays when I was at art school in Scarborough)

There are many other reasons why smokers should pack it in, mainly for health issues. Take a look inside and do yourself a favour -

* 5/- (five 'bob' or five shillings is equivalent to 25p in today's money, doesn't seem much but my spare change didn't amount to much more after meals at college etc)

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    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      lol! ready! haha!

    • alancaster149 profile image
      Author

      Alan R Lancaster 5 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      Nice to see you again Nell. Where are you going to pop up next? Glad you liked this one, borne by the sweat of my brow in record time. There's a few more comic pieces to get through yet, so you're under starter's orders!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      Great story! lol! I am afraid I would have stuck my cigarette where the sun don't shine! yes I smoke, no not all the time, yes I have given up, no don't tell the cigarettes and yes I hate it! lol!

    • alancaster149 profile image
      Author

      Alan R Lancaster 5 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      Thanks again UnnamedHarald. It's basically observation and 'taking in images' from the Movies or books. I used to know people who smoked, but nowadays I seem to be surrounded by non-smokers. Coincidence I would say.

    • UnnamedHarald profile image

      David Hunt 5 years ago from Cedar Rapids, Iowa

      You may not smoke but you express the thought processes of an addict carefully calibrating his smokes rather well. Nicely written.

    • alancaster149 profile image
      Author

      Alan R Lancaster 5 years ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      Doesn't do to have too much of an ego in telling stories. You have to be able to put yourself in somebody else's shoes. After all, it's not me but my alter ego that's been manhandled!

    • Barnsey profile image

      Barnsey 5 years ago from Happy Hunting Grounds

      Hah! That was rich! Takes onions like yours to tell a story about getting manhandled! Most male egos could never do such a thing! Great read!