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Tale of Two Turkeys

Updated on May 29, 2011
My best friend and I felt like 'turkeys' when this adventure was over!
My best friend and I felt like 'turkeys' when this adventure was over!
Male turkey is called a Tom.
Male turkey is called a Tom.
Female turkey is called a Hen.
Female turkey is called a Hen.
Old Lady York's place was a little like this.
Old Lady York's place was a little like this.
More turkeys outside on a farm.  Be honest, who could resist jumping in there and chasing those turkeys!!!!
More turkeys outside on a farm. Be honest, who could resist jumping in there and chasing those turkeys!!!!
Remove the birds and this is what is left...poop and feathers!  P.U.!!!!
Remove the birds and this is what is left...poop and feathers! P.U.!!!!
What a Lie...well it was fun until G.I. Old Lady York and Robocop ruined it !
What a Lie...well it was fun until G.I. Old Lady York and Robocop ruined it !
Wow, we hit the jackpot!  And the chase begins!
Wow, we hit the jackpot! And the chase begins!
No wonder my best friend knew what to do ..he had practice!
No wonder my best friend knew what to do ..he had practice!
More turkey chasing practice!
More turkey chasing practice!
Turkeys smell much better cooked than they do in a pen!  Whew!!!
Turkeys smell much better cooked than they do in a pen! Whew!!!
Maybe we can just blend in.
Maybe we can just blend in.
Old Lady York was packing heat at an early age!
Old Lady York was packing heat at an early age!
12 gauge shotgun.  Good for close encounters of the worst kind.
12 gauge shotgun. Good for close encounters of the worst kind.
All I recall of what Lady York's gun looked like was this!
All I recall of what Lady York's gun looked like was this!
Or was it this?  They all look the same...nasty!  I think she had notches on the stock!
Or was it this? They all look the same...nasty! I think she had notches on the stock!
No, wait, this is what she had..Rambo Granny!
No, wait, this is what she had..Rambo Granny!
Or, maybe this was looks like the other one..sort of.   Terminator IV watch out!
Or, maybe this was looks like the other one..sort of. Terminator IV watch out!
Oh no, not him again!  What is it with old people calling the police on innocent little kids???
Oh no, not him again! What is it with old people calling the police on innocent little kids???
And people call us dumb!
And people call us dumb!
Well, well, well.  It seems Dave and I aren't the only ones that like to chase turkeys.  Can we join you Officer Smith???
Well, well, well. It seems Dave and I aren't the only ones that like to chase turkeys. Can we join you Officer Smith???
My Halloween costume that year!
My Halloween costume that year!

Will the Real Turkeys...Please Stand Up

Some of you have read a few of my hubs about when I was younger, and probably dumber than I am today. When I was working on those hubs, my brain started recalling some other long forgotten events that took place back then, They were not funny when they happened, but today they are hilarious, at least in my family's eyes. This next event happened again, during my growing up years and I was about 10 or so. My best friend and I lived fairly close together and we walked everywhere for the most part. Everything we did was within walking distance of our homes...our school, a couple playgrounds, 2 parks, and so forth.

My friend, Dave, lived up the street and had 3 sisters. I had the biggest crush on his oldest sister for years and went out a few times when in high school. She was a hottie another story for another time! About a 10 minute walk from his house, was a pretty large park, at least back then it was. Its name was Vinita Park and there was just a huge amount of space to play when away from the playground and picnic area. There were a lot of woods around the south, west, and east side of the park then and another great play area for a bunch of kids. Seeing it today, much has changed. A huge industrial park was built sometime after I left the immediate area and over half the park vanished. What a shame!

But, back in the 1960's...ah, the golden decade for me, the park was just perfect. Dave told me about a woman who actually lived on the park grounds, which to me was weird. I didn't think a private citizen could live on public property like that, but she did. Dave called her Old Lady York. I never had met her, so just kind of shrugged my shoulders. Dave had a natural gift of finding ways to drag me into trouble and this was another one of those time his gift went above and beyond.

Dave told me that Old Lady York, and when I did finally see her, think she should have been called Ancient Lady York, had a bunch of birds that she kept fenced in around her home. That didn't sound very interesting to me, but I saw the grin on his face and knew something was up! Being curious at this point and knowing Dave, I decided what the heck and wanted to see this BIG attraction. We walked down the street, cut across this open field to a driveway that led into the park from the back. I never knew that was even there, so that was interesting and used it often later.

Up the driveway we went, coming to a small house about halfway up this hill, surrounded by a pretty tall fence. There was no top to it, so wondered how the lady kept the birds from getting away. All at once I smelled a smell that would take paint off the wall. Talk about stink! It made my eyes water so pulled my shirt up over my nose and mouth to breathe. I never smelled anything like that in my life and didn't want to ever again! Dave had his face covered too and said to follow him.

What on earth could smell that bad? It almost gave me the heaves and I didn't want to have any part of this until.....OH BOY...I saw the birds!! My brain kicked into overdrive when I thought about the possibilities with this encounter. My friend just looked at me and laughed...he was thinking the same thing!

These weren't just birds, but about a flock or whatever they are called of about 200 turkeys! These beauties were not little bitty birds, but full grown adults. They were everywhere and I was just itching to introduce myself to these new acquaintances. I never saw a live turkey before and had no clue as to what they would do, so both of us crept slowly up to the gate and just watched. The turkeys didn't really do anything differently. A few of the braver gobblers came over to us and just looked us over, but for the most part, the others just ignored us. These suckers were big...almost as tall as we were when standing upright.

We looked around to see if the coast was clear, opened the gate and went in. I was still a bit uneasy since these dudes and dudettes were as big as I was and there were at least 200 of them besides. If they got mad, we would be trampled and become road kill, or in this case, turkey pen kill. We would never be found in here...they would peck the skin right off of our stupid bones and probably eat those too! I knew something about turkeys, not much, but did recall hearing these big birds had little in the brains department...meaning they were dumb as a rock and as stupid as can be. That was fine...with our superior human brains, what could happen??

Apparently, Dave had been here before at some point...probably getting a former best friend into big trouble like what was going to happen to me right now, because Dave just took off waving his arms and charged these huge two legged dinners! I thought he had lost his mind, which was possible. I just stood there not sure whether to get out of the fenced area or just hit the dirt and hope I wouldn't be trampled to death. But one look at the ground convinced me not to do the latter. There was the dirt, but also the source of that awful stench that was everywhere! That was first time I saw turkey poop, and it was pretty impressive considering there were a couple hundred depositors in this cage.

Dave was having a blast! The turkeys went berserk and were scattering everywhere trying to get away from him, the lunatic. No matter where he went, the turkeys went flying everywhere to get away from him. The noise was unbelievable and thought that anything within a 100 mile radius would hear this commotion, but it did look like fun!

Any reasoning or sanity left me at that point. Maybe it was the stink fogging up my brain, or just watching Dave having the time of his life. Feathers were flying everywhere and the whole turkey pen was in utter chaos. I threw caution to the wind and thought there was no way Dave was going to have all the fun! I jumped in head first, not literally, and joined the circus.

With Dave alone, it was bad enough, but when I joined in the commotion, the birds went absolutely nuts! Two of us were chasing these stupid birds and they were in full rout, doing anything to get away from two crazy humans!  Feathers just filled the air and the noise was deafening! Neither of us thought about where the owner, Old Lady York, was. She surely heard all of this racket that was taking place right outside of her home! We didn't see her, so we kept having the time or our lives....until....

What happened next was getting to be a common ending of my fun and those with me. Dave and I stopped immediately when we heard an unidentified sound come blasting through all the turkey screeching! We froze in fear...the cops! I thought to myself..oh no, not again. What is it with old people calling the cops on poor little kids? Well, this time I was caught red handed in my lawbreaking.The turkeys were still running like someone dropped a bomb inside their cage, but they were starting to calm down. I had feathers all over me and so did Dave. What a mess! There was no way to get out of this one..the evidence was literally all over both of us.

Old Lady York was outside, but we didn't see her come out. Since Dave and I were inside a fence with an army of turkey dinners that were about the same size we were, we didn't notice a little, sweet old lady with a shotgun in her hand! My eyes got big as I stared down the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun! At first I thought she was a dwarf...she was so small, maybe about 4 feet tall at the most, but this gun looked like a missile launcher and it was almost as big as she was! If she took a shot at us, she would probably fly a mile or so back into the woods from the recoil. My eyes were glued to that gun and I was scared to death! Dave, wanted to run, but I wasn't going to move one hair! That lady was small, but that gun wasn't and the look on her face told me she knew how to use it!

The police officer came out of his patrol car after turning off the siren that he had on for a few seconds. I wonder if he turned it on to get our attention when he drove up, or to stop Old Lady York from spreading our innards all over the park! He motioned to Dave and me to come out and reluctantly we did. I had no desire to come over to two people armed with guns...but at least the policeman didn't have his out, just the lady with the bazooka! Dave and I came over and I started to inch my way behind the policeman to get him between me and the psycho lady! Dave just stood there looking at the ground! We were both going to get it and good!

The policeman, of course, asked what was going on and we told him the truth. We couldn't deny it as feathers still floated around us. At this point I wasn't going to do anything to provoke the lady to start target practice on me! Dave didn't say a word, the rat! Then the lady started telling what happened, and she told the police she heard her birds going crazy and thought some dog or animal had gotten in, so she grabbed the gun to chase it off. CHASE it off! With that cannon? if she shot the dog, its pieces would still be floating all over the park! She told the police how disappointed she was in us, two Vinita Park children doing such a mean thing! Right then, I opened my big mouth, again, and said, "Uh...we don't live in Vinita Park, we live in Hanley Hills." Why I said that, I still don't know, but one thing I do know was that it was dumb! She glared at us and explained that turkeys are so dumb that they will drop dead in their tracks if something is chasing them. I thought she was telling a big lie, but she insisted that if Dave and I had kept on chasing turkeys, they would have run themselves to death at some point.

Now I really felt like a creep and so did Dave. All we were doing was having fun, but had no desire to kill or harm anything. I really felt bad and hoped there weren't any dead turkeys in the pen...if there were, Dave and I might be joining them. The policeman put both Dave and I in the back seat of his car and the two adults surveyed the damage. At least we had some metal surrounding us if Rambo and the shotgun came over to us! Feathers were everywhere! The ground inside looked as if it had snowed. Man, we were cooked! I got restless in the back seat so started picking off feathers. The were starting to itch and I didn't want anything to make me more uncomfortable than I was. Dave and I had a bunch of them stuck to our shirts, socks, collars and we probably smelled bad too when running through the turkey poop all over the place.

The two came out of the pen and said there were no casualties...we were lucky! Maybe no prison time since nothing died, at least not yet anyway! We left in the car and now were driving home to face our parents. Oh joy! Round two!

We went to Dave's house first and I stayed put. I knew Dave's mom and dad and wanted no part of what he was going to get. He was a dead man and didn't want to be even close to the execution. When that was done, we drove to my house, about a 4 minute walk. I went in and faced General Mom. My poor mom, it seems whenever my brother or me screwed up, the local law enforcement always got involved. I wanted to just sink through the floor and slither down the drain in the basement. Nothing really bad happened. I wasn't strung up in the nearest tree, but my posterior got to play with the wooden paddle that was on top of the fridge. Yeah, I got my cheeks tanned good. When Dad got home, he added a little more to the mix. I could hardly walk, but at least I was alive and not smeared all over some wall of Old Lady York's house or have my head mounted and put in her living room!

My Dad actually thought it was funny at some point, because he used to tease me for years about this. He would walk up behind me and go "Gobble, gobble, gobble!" and just roared with laughter while I turned about a dozen shades of red. Then, Mom and my brother added to my humiliation and to this day, they still do that on occasion, usually around Thanksgiving or when we have turkey for dinner.

So, the real 'Turkeys' in this escapade were Dave and myself....Gobble, Gobble!!!

Revenge of the Turkeys!


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    • Knightheart profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from MIssouri, USA

      Merry Christmas, Skye,

      Glad to hear from you, my friend. I have not been here much lately myself...just so much going on and a lot of trials and troubles as usual. Just seem to be constantly trying to keep my head from going under. Anyway, it is nice to hear from you and I hope your holidays are truly blessed and joyful. Our Lord sure knows His Children even at this time of year are sure under fire from all sides. Hugs and best wishes right back at you and I just had a thought...what is Christmas like in Heaven? Wow, talk about the best place to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus! Mind boggling, isn't it! Take care and when we meet in Heaven, the first Christmas party will be held at my place, okay? Pets and all welcome! LOL

      Bye now,

      Your brother in Christ, Knightheart

    • skye2day profile image


      5 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      Knightheart, My precious bro. I dropped in to send a hug and prayer your way. I have been away from the hubs for a time. God had me busy elsewhere. I hope to return soon to write. I wish you a wonderful Christmas bro. I love you. In Christ your sister, Skye

    • Knightheart profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from MIssouri, USA

      Hello Skye,

      I was surprised to see you here...thought you had already read my "Turkey Encounters of the Worst Kind" and Rambo York was a nightmare in the flesh! I didn't think a little lady could even carry the artillery she had...I wonder what else she had in that little house of her..a tank?

      Anyway, I am glad you got a laugh out of this one episode of many of my childhood friend Dave sure had a way of getting me in trouble over and over. Sadly, Dave passed away from a heart attack in 1984, so he was only 31. We drifted apart after high school, he got married and I went my own way. At my 20 year high school reunion, I talked to his wife some... I knew her when in school, but not well. I know his sister that I had the biggest crush on for years, ended up married to some slob out of state...what a shame. She was such a hottie! LOL Very nice and sweet, and then ended up with some creep.

      It is funny about that duck you mentioned. About the same time as this turkey thing, I recall a goose was in back of this store down the road from where we all played a lot. I just saw its head sticking out from under a hole in the back wall, so I started feeding it. I have no idea what a goose was doing in that building, but am sure it didn't have a good future. I don't recall what happened to it, but I do remember feeding it from time to time. That is funny about your 'duck dinner' surprise! I can sure understand why you don't like duck now. I remember a similar incident with tea once. I was very small and at a neighbor's house and they had tea to drink...unsweetened. It looked like apple juice to me, so I just took a big gulp and when I realized it was NOT apple juice, I about barfed. To this day, I do not like tea in any form! So, I can relate to your duck dinner.

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving a note...and the vote. If you haven't read my story about pool hopping, I am sure you will get a laugh from another mess my best friend Dave got me into! LOL I am glad this story brightened your day and you got a good laugh...I sure know how laughter feels so good when things around you stink! Thanks again, Sis!

      Bye for now!


    • skye2day profile image


      6 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      Knightheart, My dear bro. Make my evening. I so needed this. Laughter is medicine for the soul, Amen.

      Why you little turkeys getting all feathered up. Too funny. I love how you write Dave. You are gifted indeed. I think each thanksgiving I will think of this.

      Brings up something and I might have been around the same age as you guys were. My parents had a duck in our garage. Yeah go figure. For about two weeks. They would feed it and who knows what the deal was. Anyway one night at a dinner party we were told we were eating the duck. Sure enough the duck was gone. To this day I will not taste duck. I was growing a bit fond of that loud mouth duck. I think they won it at some 'you gotta be kidding' party. They were the party type that is for sure.

      My love to you soldier for Christ. Your sister. Skye

      I shared this and voted.

    • Knightheart profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from MIssouri, USA

      Hey Stars, thanks for the comment, and am glad you enjoyed this hub. That video really cracked me up when I found it and fit so perfectly in this hub. This entire episode really was funny and it happened exactly like I described. I will never forget the gun carrying little old lady. She was frightening! LOL Take care, my friend and I enjoy your hubs too...they are awesome!

    • stars439 profile image


      8 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

      Your hub was wonderful. I really enjoyed it, and especially the video. You made the story so interesting, and fun to read. God Bless you, and thank you for sharing this special experience.


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